Rogue At The Piggly Wiggly

wanna see some cool ad space for the Rogue? aughra over at bad news blonde did a collage for the festival at my request. check it out. she totally rocks.

oops. dick cheney is less popular than o.j. simpson and michael jackson. the good news is that he's still slightly more popular than paris hilton (huh? she could be my veep anyday).

now, you know i looooove anonymous commenters. especially the ones i can identify through my magical powers. so, i'm down with someone not wanting to post a real name (hey, none of us do!) for reasons of security. in new jersey, however, a politician is attempting to force anyone on the internet to include their legal name if they wish to make noise of any kind. "bringing civility back into the discussion" or some such nonsense is how he puts it. check it out.

ooh, bad moon rising. don't piss off the scientists on their own turfizzle. some of the pencil necked geeks are taking it to da man (that would be bush and his (cough) appointees).

and again. gay penguins cannot be trusted. do not open the door for them, even if they are holding morman pamphlets. turn off the porch light, hide the eggs and call 9-1-1. you people don't seem to realize just how serious this is. if gay penguins are allowed to adopt and have books written about them, then no human child is safe from their "turn all human children into sissies" agenda. and this is evidently what the gay penguins have in mind. it's not enough that they've convinced male pandas to not have sex ever again (repeat after me: eucalyptus leaves yummy, female pandas fat and stupidly inscrutable). it's not enough that gay penguins are the reason for the dodo bird's demise (little known fact: penguins and dodos once fought for breeding territory. you do the math). some scientists will try to convince you that penguins are not gay, they're just extremely nearsighted. which is a fact. and some anthrpologists will tell you that when two male penguins are kept in captivity since birth and have no females around they may feel the need for a little good-ol-boy fun. but i'm here to tell you that the gay penguin agenda is also a fact. and they're everywhere. did you know there are penguins in australia? a country that doesn't know snow. a country that touts its manliness 24/7 with movies like crocodile dundee and rugged actors like russel crowe, guy pearce and hugo weaving. a continent of great white sharks, poison spitting lizards and really big beer. you might be saying right now, "no. penguins in the outback? totally nuts. how can this be?". yet, they are there. and some of them have to be gay and looking to adopt. look at the numbers: if, on the average, one out of ten humans is gay and we outnumber the penguins by like a lot (many researchers put the ratio at 10:1), then it just proves that one out of every penguin must be gay. makes you think twice before visiting the zoo.
and don't get me started on puffins and sea otters.


-does this need anything said that's not said already? just look at the coifs. clinton's all over that. not to mention the chino eyes. clinton had the humboldt, bush mistook ecstasy for aspirin. boooooring. plus, he gets no pie!

"We should fight the enemy. We should not fight each other". this was said in defense of a committee vote to not investigate illegal eavesdropping. remember, there is a law in place since 1978 ( i believe ) that orders a president to ask the court for permission to eavesdrop. the court has turned down 4 ( i believe ) requests in a lot of years. this can be asked for almost three days after surveillance starts. if it's turned down, then no one is allowed to talk about what they saw. not too shabby. but some congress people are thinking that even that much intrusion into the administration's machinations is an invasion of policy. i mean privacy. and what i think is that government privacy should be held to the same standards as piracy on the high seas.

and "the poopdeck is closed" means the poopdeck is closed. don't know why i wrote that, but poopdeck is a really funny word. what the hell goes on on a poopdeck? or in? or near? is pop really poop? is poop slang? i know it's on a ship, so deck must be accurate, right? whatever poop is it's happening on one of the decks.

The Oscars In Dyerama-vision

hey, what the heck? enough politics for one week. let's take a break and watch the Oscars! of course, i can't watch without commenting:
1. gay jokes STILL don't get much mileage from the politically correct (great western montage).
1a. guessing on george clooney for best supporting actor. don't know why. just feels right.
2. reese witherspoon continues to prove that midgets are not only a viable social minority, but sometimes really hot. it's good to have hope. keep looking up!
3. dolly parton got collagen shots? she's almost got mick jagger lips!..speaking of which , that would have made a good theme drink for tonight's festivities: collagen shots.
4. george clooney...good acceptance speech. nice poke in the eye of right wing blowhards. but did he HAVE to bring up the sexiest man thing? most of us are still hating him on that.
5. ben stiller needs to get laid...or a job. notice how he and owen wilson aren't doing much together anymore? and owen is en fuego.
6. i hate cartoon nominee announcers. and, no, i'm not rehashing #5.
7. russell crowe has a nice hairdo. looks unkempt and handswept. cost $1000. hand sweep extra. lock on the forehead looked like a big C. or a curly L.
(by the way, 40 Year Old Virgin is the funniest movie from last year)
8. rachel weiscz for best supporting actress. that's just my guess. but, eventually, catherine keener must be attended. amazing actress. amazing improver.
9. taking a guess on narnia for makeup.
10. stewart's pulling down Oscar and starting democracy in hollywood was right on...and not really gotten by the crowd.
11. morgan freeman is the epitome of coooool...
12. lauren bacall's moment on stage reminded me of frank langella in Dave when he starts out with a room full of supporters and ends up alone with a limp banner in his hand. sorry, lauren. get back into acting.
13. have i mentioned yet how hot keira knightly is? no?
14. keira's hothothot!
15. the quickest way to fuck up an Oscar nominated song is to choreograph it for the show. ooh, burned out car and fog. um, what was the song about?
16. cool. sandra bullock and keanu reeves finishing the Speed trilogy as nominators. he embraces an Eastern philosophy that doesn't fuck with making millions of dollars from two dimensional characters ans she marries somebody not me. i think i'm going to miss this segment if you don't mind.
17. sandra is goooooooorgeous. and the winner of art direction stepped on her dress. keanu..well, he looks good in a tux, but what gay penguin doesn't?
18. samuel jackson epitomized himself in Sphere. other than the pulp fiction cheeseburger moment, what's he got?
19. wow. the Oscars just went full tilt boogie on politics. left coast style. a little pissed off about being represented as "left coast" when it wasn't doing much to earn it? a bit miffed about being branded "out of it" and "not in the mainstream" and "typically liberal"? go get 'em, bitches!
20. the Oscar president is talking about sharing a movie experience in a cinema with complete strangers. he hasn't been to a cineplex lately, has he? if i want to experience people eating with their mouths open, talking on their cell phones, shushing their children, rolling their empty beer bottles down the aisle, complaining about how they wanted to see the other film, kicking the back of my seat, or needing to pee every fifteen minutes, i will pay $9. if i don't want all or any of that, i will wait until it's on netflix or the local second market movie theater. and, guess what?, very few cities and towns have second market theaters. ed emmanuel had the right idea: save up your money until you can build a private theater and pay for first-run movie reviews.
21. selma hayak is hot. even when she had no vagina in Dogma. very good movie.
22. jessica alba is hot. and Sin City is too. watch this movie. it's not nominated for anything. jessica made me think of it. hot hot movie.
23. lily tomlin and meryl streep talking about the altman montage. wow. look for the clip. not here, but somewhere. either so well rehearsed that lecram would cry or such inspired improv that...well, lecram would cry.
24. robert altman's acceptance speech is good and ends with a gotcha.
25. then a house party broke out. then it won an Oscar. woof.
gotta go. the cat needs grooming.

Gay Penguins, Convicted Republicans and Hot Whistleblowers!!!

Parents Complain About Book's Undertones
The Associated PressSaturday, March 4, 2006; 12:22 PM
SAVANNAH, Mo. -- A children's book about two male penguins that raise a baby penguin has been moved to the nonfiction section of two public library branches after parents complained it had homosexual undertones.
The illustrated book, "And Tango Makes Three," is based on a true story of two male penguins, named Roy and Silo, who adopted an abandoned egg at New York City's Central Park Zoo in the late 1990s.
The book, written by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson, was moved from the children's section at two Rolling Hills' Consolidated Library's branches in Savannah and St. Joseph in northwest Missouri.
Two parents had expressed concerns about the book last month.
Barbara Read, the Rolling Hills' director, said experts report that adoptions aren't unusual in the penguin world. However, moving the book to the nonfiction section would decrease the chance that it would "blindside" readers, she said.
(huh? is this a new part of the gay agenda? human males aren't getting the job of turning the world's children into sissies done, so they're now using the animal kingdom for this purpose? so, how'd they know those two penguins were gay and not just overly fetching in their tuxes? was it the clawticures? or the pages of Redbook lining their litter boxes? i guess this could answer the question: which came first, the gay penguin or the egg?)

anyone want to grab some illgotten booty from Randy "Duke" Cunningham? in order to pay his back taxes and whatnot, his assets are being auctioned off. $40,000 rugs? woof!

and speaking of hypocrites, Iraqi in-charge people have vowed to disband the militias that have been carrying out executions en masse of enemies, but aren't too sure just how quickly this should be done. as well as considering "disbanding" to mean absorbing them into the Iraqi "police" units so that not too many militias are operating in the same area at one time. uh, yeah. good idea. no need for turf wars over who gets to kill who when you can cover more territory the "legal and moral" way.

by the way,
"When they finally stopped, they discovered that they had just killed a family of unarmed civilians. Vivian Salim's husband, her 15-year-old son Hussam, her 12-year-old son Waseem, and her daughter Merna, age 6, were all dead."
a small group of Iraqi women wanted to come to the US to speak of their experiences. they were turned down by our government for, of all things, the fact that they had no next of kin and couldn't show that they wouldn't have a good reason for returning to Iraq after the visit. more than likely, they were turned down, because the administration knew the stories would not read well in Peoria. our soldiers wiping out innocent families? not in OUR house!

Sibel Edmonds is such a hottie!

Half Nekkid Thursday and

My Fractured Mind
Oh, and people need to wave at the webcam. or write notes and hold them up so they can say hi to me from my exile in Washington. My first year away from the Rogue.
update: let them comment!!! and tell fatass to get out of the way of the webcam... sorry, jag. didn't mean to call you fatass.
update #2: good crowd. but they don't look drunk. did you guys provide wine? and why do they keep looking at the lame artwork on the wall when the true genius is on the laptops? hey. HEY!!! pay attention to me. look at me! don't make me add another picture! okay, that's it. now, you've pissed me off. here it comes. and i won't be held responsible. you asked for it!!!

Yeah, you don't like that one, do you? drink more and maybe it will all blur into a bad memory. like my once firm buttocks.

NASCAR

You know I hate polls. Right? Hate them more than spinach and spam. hate them more than the smell of my morning breath. More than that ingrown hair high up on my inner thigh that rubs against my jeans all day and turns into a whitehead. More than Seigfried and Roy. More than the fact that my cat can lick her labia and I can't even scratch my ass without turning around. I hate polls.
i don't read them. i don't live my life by them. I don't wake up and open the paper and expound on what a beautiful day it's going to be, because Bush is in the toilet waiting for Cheney to be flushed ahead of him. That's not how I roll.
So, imagine my surprise and chagrin when I read the following:
U.S. Troops in Iraq: 72% Say End War in 2006
Now, the shock is not that soldiers are a little tired of the crap they're going through. That's natural. Getting shot at, watching buddies get blown apart, being told to smile real big when the politicians come acalling, refrain from shooting everyone in sight because they can't take another day of being called an invader and infidel and the devil. Not a cool gig. No R and R in Hawaii or the Philipines after three or six months of incountry duty. No chance at a tickertape parade. No medals, no college, no bonus, no exit.
To me, though, the real pisser is that 90% think this war is about retaliation for Saddam Hussein's role in the 9/11 attacks. Um, they don't get out much, do they? I imagine with bullets whizzing by and bombs going off and factions attacking each other the common grunt might not get much time to surf the web and search out the real news. But 90 friggin' per cent? 90?!? Not oil, not revenge for an assassination attempt on Shrub's daddy, not global hegemony, not The Neocon Deal, not even "hey, this is the only thing Republicans think they're good at". No, they all seem to think that Saddam was involved in the Twin Tower attacks. Still. To this day. As I write and you read. They think they are there for revenge, because Saddam somehow trained, financed and bought flight training for the terrorists. Wow.
But I wasn't finished with being surprised by the latest polls.
Not only do I find the lowest support for these two in almost ever, but they give me two great pictures to go with it with the numbers right below. Hosanna in the highest. Manna from Heaven. An edible fruitcake. Wonder of wonders. Actually, I think these are the lowest. I don't remember Bush going lower than 37% and Cheney below 21%. Of course, you know this means war, right? These two won't take this sitting down. Cheney will come out guns ablazing. And Bush will practice his smugly pensive look each night until it's time for ice cream and jammies. And Iran might want to close its borders and arm its anti-ballistic missiles just in case. I mean, now that New Orleans is a non-issue (passed its 90 day warranty this week).
But really the one thing that got my dandruff in a freefall today was reading that this group is calling for a boycott of advertisers on Desperate housewives. They claim (and I quote)
Wildmon calls the show "one of the trashiest programs on television. Many people consider it to be the most offensive, so we decided to take on the worst of the worst."
Wildmon, by the way, is a man and he is speaking for onemillionmoms.com. Good to know who wears the pants there. Why can't they boycott The Bachelor or Deal Or No Deal? Or The Apprentice? Or Jay Leno? Or Oprah Winfrey? Or the nightly local news? Right there is enough trash to cause a garbage strike in Manhattan. But no. They have to go after one of the very, very few intelligently written shows out there. Trashy? Some of it is...akin to the recycle not yet taken out. Or the clean green that waits to be mulched.
What these people object to is sex and sex talk. Cuz they all know that that kind of thing never happens in real life. At least, not in suburban Stepford life. Or where their husbands are concerned. And none of them are going to be seduced by the lawnmower guy. And none of them are going to get a shot a conjugal prison visits. But some are going to pass out on their lawns. And many of them are going to emasculate their husbands. And almost all are going to become their mothers (which isn't necessarily a bad thing if they can remember lessons learned). And a lucky few will sleep around for much longer than is socially acceptable and not contract any lasting diseases. And that very lucky One will become a community pariah for whatever reason and wake up and turn into Shirley Maclain's character from Steel Magnolias.
And what is it with everyone naming their group a million something? In this same article there's a onemilliondad.com and I'm wondering what exactly they did wrong to get forced into it. Stain the sofa? Fuck the maid? Vote for Kerry? Play the wrong Lotto numbers? Leave the cake out in the rain? What? Because no man in his right mind joins one of these things if his world is on a fairly even keel. No man wakes up in the morning and says to himself "you know, those 999,999 other men seem sane and happy and I feel like jumping off a cliff today". Not even to get laid. It just ain't cricket.
Unless, of course, it's NASCAR.

Countdown to Rouge

go here to find out what this really cool picture is all about. trust me. Really. Seriously. Shut up. Yes, I've been drinking. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what makes you happy? To think I'm still a drunk? Then fine. I'm drunk and puking all over my keyboard. Oh crap, here goes another volley. Dirty little Commies.
I hate polls, don't you? One note about this one, though. It's not six ports, it's around 21. Fortunately for you Californians, your ports are not affected (according to your illustrious Governor), but you might want to ask which country's company is actually in charge of them.
To me it's kind of funny the difference in arguments about Dubai being involved in controlling these ports. When I first heard about it I, too, was a bit agog that our administration would hand over something like this to a foreign entity having ties to those people we are told we want to kill. Looking into it, though, I found I was more interested in
1) the fact that the deal was done without the knowledge of Bush, Chertoff and Rumsfeld (three alleged administration mucky mucks directly tied to this type of thing), and
2) why exactly we need to be outsourcing critical control of our seaports. Are we as American workers and American companies really that incompetent? So much so that we can't be trusted to helm this ship (so to speak) ourselves? Or does bottom dollar truly rule? Or does a million dollar gift to the George Bush Library by Dubai really count for this much?

And speaking of outsourcing...or is it just more deregulation? Or deforestation? Or dearrangerment?

And speaking of Hallibuton...weren't we?...looks like we're picking up the tab for disputed costs on one of its no-bid contracts. Hey, you gotta feel for these guys. Hard working what with the bribes and graft and cut throat business deals and overcharging for every little damn thing and not finishing one job that I can think of. Of course, if you had as many people to pay off and subsidiaries to not keep track of or inline you wouldn't have any time left to run your own business the way one might expect you to. Good thing halliburton has never had any intention of doing that. By the way, do any of you realize just how heavy a "football" made up of hundred dollar bills can get when humped in a suitcase or backpack all the way from the States to Baghdad? Evidently, it's not easy feeing green.

So, if I can make it down to the 'No for the second weekend of the Rogue, who can I count on for a place to lay my sodden head? Because I can guarantee this: it will be sodden. And snorin'. Things might work out for me to make the sojourn. And kamotion says she'll be there as well. By the way, today is her birthday. So, go over and wish her one why dontcha? Oh, and go to Generik's place and ask him if he's coming down for this year's festival and bringing the missus.

Tripping The Right Fantastic

Last June, Bush said there would be no Civil War in Iraq on his watch. Last December, he repeated pretty much the same thing (and, also, called Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum his close friend)
Hmm. But now George Will (an Administration apologist, though he calls himself a political historian) seems to disagree. And Goergie has been a very good and loyal pooch up until now. This doesn't mean he will ever say that Bush's policies are a disaster. Or even an ill-conceived frat prank. What he probably means is that "little brown boys can't handle Democracy".
And, of course, there's nothing like reality to give one an idea of who might be closer to the truth...on the Civil War memo. Not Ann Coulter tripping the Right Fantastic.
Hey, remember that really crappy movie starring Dennis Quaid about the big holes in the ozone that created super storm cells that sucked really, really, really cold air from, um, up there? And everything froze? And he had to make his way to New York City to save his son? And it was all white and everything and if he blew his nose it looked like a big long green icicle? So, okay. And when everyone raced for the border of Mexico (because somehow this giant weather thingy only affected Democratic areas of the country or something) they had to set up refugee camps to control everyone? Remember? Well, don't look now, but Halliburton just got a huge friggin' contract to build detention centers in case we get a huge influx of "refugees" or "immigrants" or just plain old-fashioned "population movements". Not that it could happen, but just in case. You know...nuclear war, mass destruction, all you can eat at the Santa Fe Ribs Joint, martial law, cats and dogs living together, really really good Blue Light Specials. Nutty stuff, but the Administration takes our protection seriously. Seriously enough to keep spending all of our money on protecting us from invisible rabbits, talking horses, crazed millions of Muslims pouring in from Mexico and Liberals.
Then again, maybe it's in case they can't get this airport no-fly list thing to work (evidently, it still has a few unworked-out kinks). You know, round up all the dissidents and America haters and plop 'em down in some unused alfalfa field, radio tag 'em and let 'em free range. If Ann Coulter read my blog, I know she'd be down with that in the comment section. Call me, babe. We'll do lunch.

One Might Say That Alberto Is Slightly Out Of The Loop As Well

"When you're a law student, they tell you that if you can't argue the law, argue the facts. They also tell you if you can't argue the facts, argue the law. If you can't argue either, apparently, the solution is to go on a public relations offensive and make it a political issue... to say over and over again "it's lawful", and to think that the American people will somehow come to believe this if we say it often enough.


"In light of this, I'm proud of the very civil civil disobedience that was shown here today."- David Cole, Georgetown University Law Professor

but on to different, more melodic things. has anyone listened to the Moldy Peaches? my son got me hooked on one of their albums. i think that threw him a bit. an album of home recordings. you can hear the phone ringing in the background on one track. which adds to its anarchy. beautiful stuff. and totally homespun. i would imagine recording costs were in the hundreds of dollars. plus, the intimacy of the recordings could only add to the sexual/sensual immediacy one would want these two singers to feel. "Anyone Else But You" is about the most romantic ballad i've ever heard.

so, how do you defend yourself when questioned about your professional abilities? this is a real question. when someone(s) come to you and state that your results are not cool and that everyone else is getting different ones and you recheck your method and your equipment and you can find no flaw, how do you respond? do you:
a) request to view how samples are taken in the field;
b) request to view how tests are run in other labs;
c) check for conflict of interest in the outside agencies running the tests;
d) ask for a transfer before the lawsuit hits;
d) all of the above.
just curious. not that it might ever happen to me. assholes.

I Guess Bush Is No Longer Needed, Either

Bush promised transparency and now...we got it. Bush is not in the loop with his own team and it has never been as obvious as it is now. But that doesn't mean he won't wave the pom poms and lead a good Yale cheer for for his bosses and their shenanigans. I've been sure for a long time that Bush isn't in charge and never was. Cheney and Rove call the shots and the daily morning Presidential briefing consists "Over or under on your eggs today, sir?". Truly, this is Oz and the curtain is flapping open.

WASHINGTON -
President Bush was unaware of the pending sale of shipping operations at six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates until the deal already had been approved by his administration, the White House said Wednesday.

Is Orrin Out Of His Mind?

This is choice. Orrin Hatch claims that no one with any brains believes that Saddam Hussein wasn't supporting al-quaeda. Excuse me? bin Laden called Hussein an infidel, because Hussein was secular. Hussein once said that bin laden was insane. Rumsfeld shook Hussein's hand in Baghdad and called him our best friend. Not one indepth independent search for a link between Hussein and bin Laden has produced anything. But here's Orrie spouting off as if truth is a doormat for political gain. One of these days, Norton...

CEDAR CITY - Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, boldly defended President Bush's warrantless surveillance program and the war in Iraq on Saturday at an invitation-only luncheon with Iron County political and business leaders.
While addressing a group of about 50 people, including Cedar City Mayor Gerald R. Sherratt, Enoch Mayor Bob Rasmussen and county commissioners Dennis Stowell and Wayne Smith, Hatch stressed that Bush was acting in the best interests of the country and doing so within the confines of the U.S. Constitution.
"This president is doing everything in his power to help us and everything he can to protect us," said Hatch, who will seek to win his sixth term in the Senate later this year. "I have to tell you, this president has guts and he deserves your support." Hatch spent about an hour answering questions and sharing stories with the crowd gathered inside The Garden House restaurant. Earlier in the day, Hatch met with Washington County officials.
"I always appreciate the senator and his willingness to share with us," Smith said. "It's a good thing when you can meet with him and you leave knowing you're being looked after."
Hatch was joined in Cedar City by Rep. LaVar Christensen, R-Draper, who announced his candidacy for Utah's 2nd Congressional District this week.
The 52-year-old Christensen is the early Republican frontrunner in the race against Democratic incumbent Jim Matheson.
"It's such a privilege to serve the Utah House of Representatives, and this is just an offer to serve at a greater level," Christensen said. "I'm passionate and I think the Republican difference matters. ... The Republican principles are the right vision for America. It's the map and compass that has guided us.
"Without this map and compass, we'd be wandering."
Following his question-and-answer session, Hatch voiced strong support for Bush, who, in recent weeks, has been widely criticized by Democrats for his eavesdropping program in wake of the 2001 terrorist attacks.
By order of the president, the National Security Agency was allowed to eavesdrop - without court warrants - on Americans whose international calls and e-mails are believed could be linked to the al-Qaida terrorist network.
"They're moaning and groaning in Congress because he didn't abide by what's called the FISA Act, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act. That act is very important, but it was enacted in 1978 and it is not applicable to today's world," Hatch said. "The president is using every methodology that we know ... to try to track down those al-Qaida people or people affiliated with al-Qaida."
In addition, Hatch said Bush is abiding by the fourth amendment of the Constitution, which decries unreasonable search and seizure.
Of the war, Hatch said the U.S. must "hang in there and do what's right." He also praised the Utah soldiers who are fighting for freedom.
"It's about bringing effective changes and establishing principles of democracy," Hatch said following his speech. "If we can be successful (in Iraq), that will put pressure on all of the Arab states. It will be a rise in freedom and a demand for liberty that has never existed in some of those states.
"And, more importantly, we've stopped a mass murderer in Saddam Hussein. Nobody denies that he was supporting al-Qaida."
In a clear attack on Democrats, Hatch added, "Well, I shouldn't say nobody. Nobody with brains."
Originally published February 19, 2006

Is Rummie Out?

QUESTION: Are you confident that any problems with security — from what you know, are you confident that any problems with security would not be greater with a UAE company running this than an American company?
RUMSFELD: I am reluctant to make judgments based on the minimal amount of information I have because I just heard about this over the weekend.

very interesting...but stupid. if you click on the link you'll find that our administration is claiming different.

Skype, Skype Baby

"Skype, the Internet calling service recently acquired by eBay, provides free voice calls and instant messaging between users. Unlike other Internet voice services, Skype calls are encrypted — encoded using complex math operations. That apparently makes them impossible to snoop on, though the company leaves the issue somewhat open to question."

so, all of the code talk lecram and i use is for naught, huh? damn. zucchini is such a fun word to use. not that it meant anything. no, really. we truly do have a deep and abiding affection for long, green vegetables. shut up. can't take you guys anywhere.

well, taxes sure were fun tonight. turbotax was a bust. but taxact asked me lots of neat questions that garnered me many little deductions. i'll actually get a bit more back this year than last. my move was deductible two ways, which was way cool. not only what i spent, but the distance of the move. and i remembered renter's tax this time (always forgot that one before).

today was a cool enough day at work. i got to spend an hour or so at some condominiums being built right on the Puget Sound and watch the progress of the work. i was also told that i'm working too many hours, especially on the weekends and we have to find a way to curtail that. and i know more about asphalt according to my new bosses than i thought i did (in other words, they know very little about mix designs and lab work). i found out that i'm getting an $11,000 asphalt burning oven (burns the oil away from the aggregate). let's see, my calibration subcontractor is coming tomorrow to recalibrate all of my balances, ovens, vacuum pumps and compression machine (max load of 250,000 lbs on that sucker). and i will soon have carte blanche to charge for my extra hours on a time-and-a-half comp ratio for any work i do to move the old competitor's inventory out of his lab.
what i've noticed since my move up here (and i have to thank anonymous in part) is that in the 'No i had a job that was boring. i wasn't learning anything new. i was beyond good at what i did, but i was bored. on the other hand, i had a very rich personal life. i had friends i could trust and i had an acting life and a festival to sustain me. up here, it's the opposite. my personal life would be considered nil to most. i read, i type, i watch movies, i play with the cat, i watch the stars and the inclement weather, but i don't go out. my personal life has become very inward looking. but my job has exploded in terms of what i can learn. while i bitch about my bosses and whatnot, the job has many rewards. i am learning new things on a grand scale. i look forward to going in on the weekends for the sheer pleasure of being able to work alone. i look forward to the next challenge, because it's something i've not experienced for a while. i want to test for another certification as soon as the last one is over with. since i moved back to california and fell into the engineering industry i've not looked upon the job as just a job. it's fun, it's demanding and it almost always surprises.
big fish, little fish. big pond, little pond. those boundaries are not mine. i've never cared to be either. those are for people who define themselves by what surrounds them. not by who they are. all i want is the next challenge.
when i moved back to the 'No i was challenging myself (although i didn't really think of it that way. i just thought it was the logical thing to do). just coming back was a big question mark. was i conceding defeat in that perhaps my move to seattle was a bust? had i burned my bridges on purpose by blowing the whistle to the EPA about my company? it took me a long time to admit to friends i was back in the 'No. even got slapped by shookie.
in the long run, though, i figured out that seattle had not been the place to qualify as my own. in terms of acting it was filled to the gills with hungry. as for friends, the natives tended to be clannish and somewhat xenophobic (and not without reason). i never felt that i fit in as me. but in thinking about coming back to the 'No i wondered if i would be able to fit back in. actually, i wondered if i would be able to fit in for the first time. i never had felt that before i left.
but friends like lecram and nbutlerdidit and jade ed gypsy and zonthar and RP made me feel like the prodigal son must have. welcomed back into the fold as if i'd never left. used and manipulated to be sure, but welcomed and loved nonetheless.
the rogue was a godsend. it was the ultimate challenge. an undertaking of unparalleled proportions. none of us had the expertise, the experience, the maturity to handle anything of this sort. it was a one-off and we didn't know if we'd fall flat on our faces or not. and we had no inkling that it would go beyond one year. i remember the first night. the first shows were set to begin in an hour and no one had bought a ticket yet. it had been raining slightly and we were downtown. some of us were already shaking our heads. it was a wonderful idea and effort. the acts involved didn't expect crowds. in a sense, we had nothing to lose. except our pride. and other peoples' egos.
and then the patrons showed up. it was such a rush and a scare. and we knew we had something. by closing night when we had an audience of almost 200 for the last show we knew. and we knew the next year was going to be even worse. but after each year, the sense of exultation was enormous. the last night party was electric for me. we'd done it. year after year.
unfortunately for me i stopped having fun last year. i'd been in for the first four years and was looking the fifth in its face. i had decided to stop acting while i was the venue manager, because i found myself dropping lines on stage. why? because i couldn't be an actor and a manager at the same time. and i needed to be a manager first, because this was my baby. and i'm on stage skipping whole pages. so, there i was getting ready to be just a manager. not fun. and giving up acting with people like zonthar who makes me laugh more than metamucil on a stick.
but so be it. i had stopped enjoying the anarchy of it. i wasn't seeing the organized chaos of it anymore. i had become walmart.
so, when i was offered a chance to push my job possibilities to a new level in washington i jumped. a new challenge. and this time i know that if i don't like it (or it just doesn't work out) i have friends who i will never lose again.
and, yes, there probably is a therapist reading this and thinking "motherfucker! there goes my kid's retirement fund!".
by the way, did you know this is the only "nudie" picture i have ever been able to find of sandra bullock?

Old Fucker That Really Isn't That Old, Complaining About Being a Small Fish In a Big Pond When He Used to be a Big Fish in a Little Pond

Who here feels sympathy for the White House with regard to Vice President Cheney's "hunting accident" and the media's subsequent dog pack attack on it? Truthfully, now. Did any of you shed a tear or light a candle, because you felt Bush and/or Cheney were being wrongfully harassed?
I ask, because it seems many Republican politicians feel that our fair country does feel something akin to sympathy. I don't know about that. I can't, unlike most of our politicians, speak for the entire country. I can't glean what affects us en masse...other than apathy, narcissism and miopia.
One thing I do think I know is that there are a lot of politicians and lobbyists who are breathing a collective sigh of relief that Cheney chose to misfire on a hunting trip they were not invited to. And I don't mean that they are happy they didn't get shot. They're happy they weren't present and thereby see their names in the papers. Some of these people are probably jealous of Whittington. Talk about instant celebrity.
Here's a few names from a sure-to-be extensive list of hunting companions:
Since becoming vice president in January 2001, Cheney has continued to mix work and pleasure in these trips, at least in his choice of companions. Besides Graham and Chambliss, Cheney has gone hunting with a variety of other politicians, including Republican Sens. John Thune (S.D.), Trent Lott (Miss.) and Jim DeMint (S.C.), South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford (R), former treasury secretary Nicholas F. Brady and former senators Phil Gramm (R-Tex.) and Zell Miller (D-Ga.).
But enough about that. Want to talk about the (rounded down) million dollars per year that we pay for Cheney's ballistic forays? Same article as above.
So, Cheney goes out akillin' in order to relax and rehumanize himself. Bully for him! While it's not something I would need to do when I've got a local watering hole and a pool table or dart board, I can't fault him for blowing animals away. But enough about that.
Of course, the fact that they can't even get their stories straight is a bit nonplussing. The President was notified within an hour. No, it was two. No, it was an hour and a half.
Katherine Armstrong was an eyewitness. No, she saw it from the truck. No, the first she knew about it was when she saw the Secret Service running towards the Veep and she thought it might be his heart again.
Then, she decided on her own to call the local press. No, she called Cheney first. No, it was Cheney's idea. No, Karl Rove called her and laid it out.
Scott McClellan didn't know until the next morning. Then, Scottie didn't know about the heart attack of the victim even though it was later proven that he DID know.
But enough about that.
I guess what this tawdry little affair boils down to (besides the tittilation of Cheney's maybe having a mistress) for me is that the point is now well and truly made that Cheney doesn't feel the need to notify his boss about anything until he's ready. In other words, no one knew about his vacation and no one knew about his shooting someone until he said it was time. In other words, too much time was spent working the spin on this and not enough on realizing that sometimes the truth is your best defense. It was an accident, it was regrettable, we're getting him the best care we can and we've talked with the local authorities immediately (which they didn't until the next morning. In fact. a local law guy was not allowed access to the ranch that night and when the local sheriff called about it was informed and satisfied with the ranch's response that it had set a meeting the next morning).
But enough about that.
Did you see the trailer for tonight's Desperate Housewives? The redhead passes out drunk on her own front lawn and her son turns the sprinklers on. Hilarity, I tell you. And so socially relevant. It's must-see teevee. If they weren't all so hot I'd turn the channel to something with meat to it like Rick Steves pretending he's straight. Or the Antiques Roadshow as it continues to destroy yardsales everywhere. I mean, when's the last time one of us found a treasure for a steal of a price (other than my moving sales last year)?
But enough about that, too.
By the way, Wallace and Gromit's new movie is very cute, very inventive. But I liked Chicken Run better. And Jodie Foster's Flightplan was intriguing, but I could have done with more of the "she's gotta be crazy" part. I mean, it's Jodie Foster fer crying out loud. Of course, she's not crazy. She's in that movie career moment (which can last an entire career) of being the protective mom who kicks ass eventually (think Panic Room). Strong female role, I like it. But paranoid and delusional would have been more fun. And would have been a first for her (I think). Now, Sahara was fun. Put away your preconditions for a tight plot with no gaping holes and it's a sleighride of the first caliber. Not to mention that Penelope Cruz couldn't look ugly if her body was exhumed 6 months after dying. What a hottie. And next to Matthew McConaughy who's a hottie in his own right. Plus (not hotties), you've got Steve Zahn and William Macy. Good, fun cast who made sure the action zoomed and the repartee sizzled.
So Zonthar, did I get enough politics in and enough ass out?

21. Thou Shalt Not Republish Without Permission

10 MORE COMMANDMENTS FOUND!

'Apparently Moses was so enraged he forgot to tell the Hebrews about commandments eleven through twenty'
By CHUCK BRENNER
Religious Correspondent MOUNT SINAI, Egypt

-- Most people are familiar with the story of the Ten Commandments -- even if they can't name (or don't practice) all of them. They are the laws of life's conduct given to Moses by God on the peaks of Mount Sinai. After etching them into two stone tablets, Moses descended from the mountain to tell the newly-freed Israelites what God had ordered. The Biblical patriarch known as the Deliverer found his people worshiping golden idols -- already breaking Commandment number 2 about not celebrating graven images. Moses was so angry that he hurled the two tablets from the mountain. They shattered and, according to holy texts, were subsequently 'restored' and put into the ark of the covenant, later to be discovered by Indiana Jones. We now know that this is not the entire story. "Yes, Moses did destroy the tablets in his righteous fury, but the pieces were not put into the Ark of the Covenant." said Professor Edward Thomas Lawrence, head of a recent expedition to Mount Sinai. "It turns out the word 'restored' does not mean 'put back together.' In this case, it meant, 'Given a new copy.' We believe that someone -- probably Moses' brother Aaron -- used his sculpting skills to make a new set and copy them. But he only copied what he saw." After a painstaking and meticulous search, Professor Lawrence recovered all the pieces of the ancient stone tablets. They had actually been left where they landed. "Everyone just wanted to get on with their day," Professor Lawrence said. Remarkable as it is that Professor Lawrence found the original Ten Commandments, what is more astonishing is what archaeologists discovered after reassembling the tablets. "There were actually ten more commandments carved on the back!" Lawrence told us. "Apparently Moses was so enraged he forgot to tell the Hebrews about commandments eleven through twenty." Professor Lawrence brought in Dr. Ling Wul, an expert in ancient tongues. She translated the second set of commandments and gave the Weekly World News a sneak peek at what the rest of the world will soon be hearing about. "Unlike the first Ten Commandments, which outline an important set of moral laws, the next ten have more specific applications," Dr. Wul told us. "They are more accurately described as 'quality of life' commandments. Most are self-explanatory."
11 Thou shalt tolerate the faith of others as you would have them do unto you. ("This one seems to have been directed at those who objected to other Egyptian slaves who journeyed with the flock of Moses," Wul explained.)
12 In matters of business though shalt protect the rights of laborers, as Pharaoh shouldst have done. ("This is clearly a commandment to form workers' unions.")
13 Thou shalt not put thy animals before people, either in body or spirit. ("This refers to the animal-gods of Egypt, specifically cats, whose well-being was put before that of people -- much like today," Wul told us. "There were sheep traveling with the group and this commandment protected them."
14 Thou shalt not inhale burning leaves in a house of manna where it may affect the breathing of others.
15 Thou shalt renounce a portion of thy worldly goods to be collected by agents of the ruling body ("Tax evasion was a serious problem at the time," Wul said. "A government without a sound tax policy is one that tends to go to war and take slaves.")
16 Thou shalt not elect a fool to lead thee. If twice elected, thy punishment shall be death by stoning.
17 Thou shalt not cry "fire and brimstone" during a large public gathering.
18 Thou shalt not erect a temple of gaming in the desert, where all will become wanton.
19 Thy body is sacred and thou shalt not permanently alter thy face or bosom. If thy nose offends thee, leave it alone.
"The 20th commandment is too worn away to fully read," Wul said, "but after 'Thou shalt not' the words 'war' and 'oil' were legible. It's still a mystery." Scholars agree that it is too early to say how this discovery will change our society. "Will people begin to follow these new commandments?" Professor Lawrence asked. "Or will they be looked at as outdated set of rules? Who can say. One thing I do know: they're going to make someone else very, very rich." Word is that Mel Gibson has bought the rights to the tablets and is preparing to film The Ten Commandments II: the Back Side of Faith.

Friday Night Fights

ahhh. it's nice, after a longlonglong week of working with and for imbeciles, to get home, turn up the heat (it will, after all, get to a low 19 degrees tonight) and tip a beer or 6.
it's amazing what my job has morphed into in only two and a half little months. my business card says "lab services manager". but i seem to be spending more and more time acting as a project manager. to be blunt, the two real project managers in my office are really: 1) a salesman, and 2) a glorified field inspector. not that they don't have their merits and strengths. i'm just hard pressed to visualize them when i'm asked to handle client needs and ignorance that only a certified engineer should be involved with. i can answer most questions regarding asphalt and concrete, but i have to preface every answer with "this is not the answer, this is only my experienced opinion". which, of course, should make a client wonder why they're even talking to me in the first place.
and, again, i wonder when clients call or email me directly as lab manager, because they are not getting a response from the project manager.
this week i had to:
tell a project manager to clean up his equipment that he left lying around in my lab or he would find all of it on his desk the next morning;
force a project manager to define the word "we", because he kept asking me if "we" had made a phone call and had "we" gotten results from another lab and were we taking care of a client's needs (needless to say, "we" meant me and no, i hadn't and no, i wasn't about to);
inform that same manager that he was going to actually have to do some of his own work every now and then;
listen to the "salesman" expound on how we have control of 98% of all of the work on our peninsula, but in the same breath tell me how "we" couldn't afford to have someone spend a couple of hours creating 3 or 4 excel spreadsheets for the lab;
listen to several snide comments by the "salesman" about smokers, smoking, butts and lawsuits;
have the "salesman" take me over to another lab whose equipment we bought so i could inventory it and decide what goes to me and what goes to other offices and tell me that we're not in a huge rush to clear it out, then have him confront me each of the next two days about why i wasn't over there getting stuff out posthaste;
deal with another office's manager who hates mine (it's a hate/hate relationship evidently) about a sample that was not tested, because their manager claims i called him up and cancelled the test (when, in my reality, i told him he had two boxes of the same sample and to run the test on only one of the boxes so that my office wouldn't get charged twice);
learned over and over and over and over again that my "salesman" is a liar in the first degree and will not hesitate to cast blame on someone else if it deflects attention away from him;
heard a rumor that he wants to install a suveillance camera out back of the lab with the video monitor on his desk (hmmm, counting smoke breaks? or looking for cells of insubordination? i remember once at my first job in this industry when the office manager decreed that no more than two people could stand together outside the office at one time [mustang knows what i'm talking about]. we figured he was afraid that, because he was in the shitter with corporate, we were all outside talking about him. he was fairly right).

but then i arrive home an hour early (because when i work the weekend i take that time back during the week) and there is a brown package sitting on my doorstep. i call out to the gardener and say "hey julio, you dropped your unit on my porch. shearing accident?" but he says no.
lo and behold, it's a present from my very good friend blake. he sent me a present. two cds by the most excellent band the Pogues. plus, a couple of his own original compilations (by that, i mean that he is an amazing muscician who records his own music). by the way blake, i have that cd already, so i'll be damning people's souls to eternal purgatory when i give them out. just like i'm doing to you with this picture, but if aughra from badnewsblonde can give out naughty photos of herself in exchange for pressies, so can i. feast (and then scrub) your eyes on this!

so, i get to "end" the week with awesome music while sitting inside my toasty home with frosty beverages. okay, i'm not ending the week since i'm working in the lab tomorrow and sunday, but you get my drift. i'm getting drunk tonight (which i do so much less frequently than i did when in the 'no), eating a zucchini salad (now now, children. it's not what you think or hope unless you're lecram), listening to both the Pogues and the Trike Shop, and watching Wallace and Gromit's new movie.
does it get any better than that?
well, if you loathe ann coulter...it DOES!!!

“When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once again that John Walker is not getting the death penalty,” Coulter said in an address to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). “We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors.”

Who Your Daddy? Dick Your Daddy!

Okay, I don't usually revisit stories. Shut up . I don't. But this is too, too interesting. Cheney's got a gun. Cheney sees a Quayle. Cheney shoots and scores...a lawyer. Cheney doesn't speak to local law. Secret Service denies access to local law. Cheney calls Rove who calls Bush (we think). Bush reacts with...we don't know what. Scott McClellan finds out the next morning. Gets bushwhacked by the White House press. Somehow. Gets in an argument with a journalist. Local law is evidently allowed to interview Cheney (but we really don't know that for sure). Word gets out that a local Deputy Sheriff approached Cheney's compound the night before to get a statement and was turned away. The main witness interviewed by everyone was sitting in a car, which means they might have been shooting from or close to the roadway or she was quite a distance away from the event. White House says the bottomfeeder, I mean lawyer, is stable while in ICU. Later, the doctors say the bottom-shit-...lawyer... is in stable condition in the ICU. Later, the press clarifies that ICU means InContinent Uvula, which all buckshot men get. Still later (today)., the doctors say that the (i'll get this right dammit) lawyer has had a "silent heart attack", because one of the pellets somehow got near his heart. The doctors estimate that between 6 and 200 pellets hit him. And they have no way of knowing if more of these might pose a risk.
Now, look at these two numbers. First there's 6. Then there's 200. Just for kicks I'm going to list some of the numbers that fall between those two.
7891011121314151617181920212223242526272829230313233
3435363738394041424344
54647484950515253545556575859606162
6364656667686970717273747576777879808182
83848586878888990919293949596979899
100101102103104105106107108109110111112
113114115116117118119120121122123124125
1261271281291301311321331341135136137
138139140141142143144145146147148
149150151...
get the picture? perhaps we're being lied to about how bad this guy was hit. between 6 and 200 is a large sward of denial.
but really the real story to me is why Cheney couldn't stand up to the local deputies at the scene and tell them what happened. a few stories abound that Cheney was drunk. a few abound that his friend was on the out-list. i might buy Cheney being drunk. i mean, come on. they got guns, they got immunity. they can do what they want. i'd be tipping back a few myself. never did fire my rifle sober anyway. way more fun that way. in fact, i'm looking for a good garbage dump on the peninsula where i can work my rifle back into shape and bring a six pack.
but what the fuck? accidently shot a bro out on the back forty. cut and dried accident. so why the delay, the blather, the sudden "complication not necessarily related to the shooting" with the victim? Cheney fucked up as a hunter. Is that so bad? So he doesn't get his picture in the Women In Waders Who love Geriatric Geezers Who Can't Shoot To Save Their Own Shit calendar.
Deal. Show. And let the pot go to the winner.
Unfortunately, we don't live in a society that can do that anymore.
We win or we kill.
And sometimes we kill in order to win.
Not that I'm suggesting Cheney did so. I think he really did fuck up, because he's too fucking old to be in possesion of anything more powerful than a lawn dart on a string.

Cheney Steps Up War On Lawyers: Shoots One (stole this, but damn it's funny)

I'm still trying to hunt down info from a CBS news story about Cheney shooting his buddy. Right now, everyone is talking about the delay between the shooting and the public announcement. However, CBS evidently had a news bit on the fact that Cheny's Secret Service entourage would not allow local law enforcement to question him about the incident. Standard procedure in this kind of case includes questioning of all involved on the offchance that criminal complaints may be filed. The Secret Service refused to allow any questioning. Local law was alerted to the incident when the ambulance was summoned by Cheney's party and showed up at the scene. But no questioning. None. Nada. Nichts. Niente. Null set. Zippo. Don't know really if they even asked, but I think they did.
As for the delay in a public announcement (or even an internal one for that matter...Bush didn't know for about 2 and 1/2 hours. Scott McClellan didn't know until the next morning. Evidently, Cheney called Rove instead of Bush) it's interesting, but not to my mind noteworthy...yet. I would like to know if, in fact, local law officials were really not allowed to interview Cheney about his role in the shooting. If I tried that I would be arrested for obstruction of justice or fleeing the scene of a crime (even if none were actually commited). I could, also, be arrested (along with everyone with me) for conspiracy after the fact to commit a crime. All three can be contrued as potential felonies. Instead, I'm sure the Secret Service called on them good old boys down there to pass on a little professional courtesy and let Dick tend to his friend in the hospital. Most local law folks will do that, but they will still want a personal statement from Cheney. And I don't mean a fax from the White House.
Personally, my first thought when I heard about it was that his buddy criticized the War or something and Cheney tried to fire a warning shot over his head. Something along the lines of his telling a Senator on the floor of the Senate to "go fuck yourself" (remember that little gem?).

Neighbors' Home Security System

Who needs trip wires when you've got this? 

Bedwetters Make Moist Lovers

oh well now. here's some good reading. pdf files about internet usage and how to rake in the bucks, supervise us invisibly, and control what we can do with our computers. brought to you by the industry itself.

and hey, if that doesn't give you the warm fuzzies and make you want to go out and buy ice cream for the whole family, how about this? Got a problem child? Send him (or her) to Jamaica! In the land of ganja and great music, it's got to be THE way to help them sort themselves out. i and i give it two thumbs up, mon.

aren't you glad you don't live in Florida? if not, here's a reason. it's run by one of the worst crooks ever to be elected to a seat of power. and he's bringing in the Texans for some proper frontier...uh...well, they're probably breaking the law, too. hard to say with Texans.

but aren't you glad you live in America where the most powerful "private" attorney in the whole wide world would nevernevernever lie to Congress or the People? Alberto, you got some 'splaining to do! (cue canned laughter)

and, finally. on the heels of my announcing to you that Exxon had reported record profits for last year while continuing to argue in court that it should not be held financially responsible for its massive spill up in Alaska, SHELL!!! is reporting record earnings based in LARGE part on soaring gas prices. Of course, it will say (as did Exxon) that record profits are misleading. Records don't necessarily mean they made any profit at all! you know, there's the costs of paying off corrupt leaders, soaring gas prices for shipment, millionaire shareholders unhappy with staying millionaire shareholders...um...that's all i can think of.
better yet, just go to my Thursday Night Crush.

Thursday Night Crush

It's been a long day and longer week, which won't end until next week officially starts. Classes all day today (5 a.m. until 7 p.m.) and more tomorrow. plus work on both weekend days (not to fear, i will be safely ensconced on my couch for the Super Bowl commercials).
so, i got nothing. no juice tonight. only a triple shot of beauties (because in the northwest no one has just one shot) who make my cinematic experiences something akin to spiritual transcendence:

WARNING: RANT AHEAD. PROCEED WITH CAUTION

breaking news: cindy sheehan was arrested inside Capitol chambers and "escorted" to jail after she had been invited by a chamber member to attend. reports are muddled. some have her wearing a tee shirt sporting the number of troops killed in Iraq. others have her unfurling a banner. that's all i've got right now.
but it leads me to this new twist on the Patriot Act renewal. Mind you, Bob Barr is no longer a darling of the right wing. But it sends a very troubling message. So far as I know there have been no threatening instances of citizens attempting to express their views at events of this type. Those who wish to be arrested tend to let that be known beforehand. Suddenly, security for "VIPS" is an issue? I think not. I think that the issue is more about "VIPS" not wanting opposing viewpoints to be heard during their photo ops. What I think we have here is an attempt by the Roman Senate to distance themselves from the reality of the people's unrest. I mean, we have a president putting out photographs of himself at functions where the press is not allowed. Many of these functions had been open to the press up until this administration came into power. We have an administration "scrubbing" photos so we can't see Jack Abramoff standing next to the president. The Congress shakes its finger at the president for wiretapping without jumping through the normal legal hoops (as morally minimal as they are), but doing nothing to ensure he toes the line in the future. Republicans call for "investigative committees" that may or not convene during this century. Democrats get on their high horse and talk about how everyone would have free access to the internet if they are voted back into power.
None of them care about you and me. None of them remember the thin times, the years without, months where bills had to be juggled and the phone wasn't paid in order to keep the hot water on. Most of them have known this life. Most of them like giving themselves pay raises and justifying it by telling us that being a politician is hard work (i.e. away from home all the time and the junkets and the bad food and the lousy golf and the slimy lobbyists who try and bribe them successfully and the press that won't let them alone and the late nights drinking martinis while they try to coerce multinationals and gimungous corporations into flopping a throwaway to the masses in return for gimungous tax breaks and the speeches they can't charge $100,000 for yet because they're still a public servant and the book deal they signed and haven't ghostwritten a lick of yet). Do you think that one of these politicians truly gives a damn about you or me? The new guys are always the wave of the future, the ones who get elected because they're pissed off at the way things are run. We listen and we vote with our hearts. But time and again we are let down by the very "reformers" who hold us for the moment in their sway. Until we find out that they compromised the very values they insisted were the ones they would never let go of. The values elected them for. Politics is not a clean affair. Don't let anyone tell you different. There is almost no way in which a politician can stay truly clean. Compromises ARE made. Deals ARE cut by enemies if only to ensure that one amendment is included in a bill. BUT.
But it seems to me that more and more our "elected officials" are cutting and running from the basic paltforms which got them into their hallowed positions. More and more they are "listening" to their consituents and disregarding all. When the public says that Bush is not doing a good job, why are they not en masse arriving at his doorstep and demanding accountability? When the public says that Alito is untrustworthy why are they not stopping the proceedings and calling for more questions? When the public thinks that Iraq is a big, fucking mess why are they not addressing this in the Senate or the House in any meaningful manner? The president once said that he didn't run his business according to polls or something like that. But the polls are based on talking to the very people who vote. The very people who care enough to speak up. The very people who stood up to the British and said "enough is enough" (no offense to living Brits unless, of course, you think another invasion is warranted).
And that brings up another point of contention. Why are we being forced to go all the way back to original signers of the Decalration of Independence and the Constitution in order to argue the merits of Democracy? Democracy is the reason we are here. Democracy is the foundation. But it seems that (after almost 250 years) we still don't get it. Every one of us wants power. Still. Every one of us wants our person in a place of influence in order to promote our narrow frame of thinking. We have no tolerance for those who think differently. We have no ability to accept that we are all free thinkers and we continue to exist precisely because of that. We are because we can. But every other word out of our political mouths is "can't". If we continue to be so obsessed with "can't", then we probably deserve to be looked at as an empire and deserve to reap the consequences of an empire.

We Now Return You To Your Regularly Broadcast Porn

in case you weren't aware, Exxon has posted record corporate earnings. Not "record" as in their largest ever, but as in the largest ever by any entity. ever. it's worth more than Indonesia (this last year's profits alone). and it is still in appelate court trying to get out of punitive damages for the Exxon Valdez spill, claiming that all of its cleanup resulted in almost no harm to the environment or livelihoods of the fishermen up there in Alaska. the punitive damages sit in the mid-single digit billion dollars. their profits from last year alone are in the high double digit billions. now is as good a time as any to stop filling up at Exxon's pumps.

as loath as i am to criticize our administration in its attempts to quell that little hiccup known colloquially as "global terrorism" and "growing global hatred" i must point out this article. and note that it is a war crime (see the Geneva Convention rules) to hold a non-combatant hostage in order to force a suspected enemy to surrender. in this case, wives of suspected terrorists have been arrested and held as ransom (in a sense. i doubt that the wives would have been let go if the husband turned himself in). what has happened to the women in these instances i don't know. one memo states a wife was released after an American military person complained officially. is that we are willing to do ? shout out: "give yourself up or the bitch gets it and your little dog, too"?
makes me want to post more porn:

House Warming

so, this is my house, my back yard (fairly vertical) and my sky. not so pornographic...if you're not anti-dry sleep. personally, i love this backyard. it's absolutely unmanageable. i couldn't really do a damn thing with it. it will be what it is.
the house itself is warm. cozy. enough room for the cat to bounce and bounce. that light on a stand in front i will look at soon to see if i can get it lit. these free standing, connected outposts can be tricky. i know i'll suss it. i only hope that it gets sussed before i'm soused. i only say that, because i can.
but when i look out my window and i see a huge explosion behind a large tree i have to take a look. you see, the clouds fly low over my house. and sometimes they are gigantic. sometimes, i think i should run for cover, because they can look like a tornado.
and that's all i have to say about that.

Porn 24/7 Hot Nasty Kinky Sex Poodles HNT

In my new, ongoing effort to help the government root out "evildoers" of the online porno community (and, yeah, Lecram and Zonthar have already fallen into my little honeytrap) I feel commited to showing you yet more pornographic images (not that Penelope is by any means pornographic...except in my dreams!).
So, feast your eyes, dirty little commies!:

Had enough? Want more? Huh? Do ya? Like I said, 24/7. Tune in tomorrow when you're done scrubbing your optics with a brillo pad and scraping the white-out off of your moniter screen.

p.s. if pictures aren't your gig, if you like reading porn more, then this is for you:

MANAMA, Bahrain -- Pop star Michael Jackson was spotted shopping in a Bahrain mall on Wednesday, hiding his face behind a veil and donning a black robe traditionally worn by women in the Gulf.

Did you like my porn? The first pic's of me and my BIGBIGBIG nostrils breathing the CLEANCLEANCLEAN air of the 'NO. Do you like HNTHNTHNT? Then go here and absorb all you can. There's nothing like absorption to make you feel fresh. and it will help me further my porno entrapment cause and win me big lobbying bucks.

Aaaaand The Winner Of This Week's Obsession Goes To...

Penelope Cruz! And to those of you who think any nudity is porn, you're dead wrong. This is a wonderful picture from Open Your Eyes. Open Your Eyes is the original movie that they copied for Vanilla Sky. Vanilla Sky is just one more example of why Tom Cruise should not be allowed to attempt to act. Or breed (the movie's not the reason, he is).
Penelope, on the other breast, is a fine, fine actress and should you need further proof just rent Woman On Top.
Ah, Penelope. You make my life bearable even in the darkest of hours.

Letter To The Spinners (not the music group)

well, i sent these questions to all of the "guests" on the McLaughlin Group. If any answer (and Tony Blankly has in the past) I'll let you know whether you like it or not.
Her are the questions:
1) How do you not call for presidential impeachment proceedings when it's becoming clearer and clearer that Bush circumvented the FISA law? FISA was set up to make it as easy as possible for a president to obtain a warrant for wiretapping. The threshold for evidence of need is the smallest legal modicum possible. Why, then, would Bush attempt an around-end of this law if he felt his actions were legal? Time being of the essence cannot be an argument concerning FISA. Bush could start his wiretapping three days before approaching the FISA judges. And these judges have granted nearly all requests (only four denied) since FISA's inception. So, where (to you) is the legal basis for Bush's actions regarding this?
2) As a follow-up: If Bush was legally entitled to circumvent FISA, then why did he lie about it at first? And, after that, why did he claim the 5th, then admit it, then claim that Clinton and Carter did it (which they didn't), then assert that had he been doing this before 9/11 he might have been able to prevent 9/11? It's a fact that Bush knew bin Laden was planning to attack us with airplanes. It's a fact that Bush knew law enforcement was surveilling illegal aliens on our soil who were taking flying lessons and had direct ties to bin Laden. It's a fact that Bush did nothing about it and shooed away those who tried to clue him in to the information. And Bush's current argument that announcing he was covertly wiretapping phone conversations would alert terrorists and cause them to shut up or find new ways to communicate doesn't seem to hold water in light of the information we know he had prior to 9/11. So, why did he need to lie about the existence of wiretapping ("When we talk about wiretapping, we're talking about getting a court order. That hasn't changed...")? Terrorists have to know that any communication of theirs is being sought by the very people they seek to harm. If I was a terrorist I think I'd be smart enough to figure that out.
3) This wasn't on the show, but I'd like to know your thoughts. Jack Abramoff has claimed that he met with George Bush, that he knows George Bush. Bush's office has claimed the opposite. In fact, TIME has a photo showing Bush and Abramoff together at a meeting. Bush's office has said Abramoff wasn't present at the meeting, but key Indian tribe clients who were there assert the opposite. Key Indian clients who were in the same picture. So, the question is: Who do we believe? The constituents present or the Office? Abramoff has been tied to more than two dozen Republican politicians and the White House. There is photographic proof that Abramoff was at a meeting (not a party) with Bush and the White House is trying to tell us it never happened. Who do we believe? This administration has a detailed and public record of lying and dissembling in the face of known facts. Who do we believe?While I hold no hope that you will reply to this, I thank you for hopefully reading it.

I Got Rhythm, Ataxic Rhythm

One thing that very few people know about me is that I am Abraham Lincoln's first cousin, four times removed. That means that my great-great-great grandmother (give or take) was his aunt (or uncle...hard to tell sometimes in those old tin-types). This, in and of itself, means nothing. Everyone is related to someone famous somewhere back in time. Everyone will be related to someone famous somewhere forward in time.
However, that's not the point. This is the point. It seems that a mutated gene which causes a form of ataxia has been found and traced down through the descendents of Honest Abe's family (or a branch thereof). All the way through to the present.
What's ataxia, you ask? Good question. Gold star for you.
When one considers ataxia, one should first picture in the mind a drunken pirate. A drunken pirate on land. A drunken pirate on land for the first time in a very long time. With a large parrot on one shoulder that adds weight more to one side of the pirate's body than the other. This is an extreme picture. But most drunken pirates who own parrots tend to be extreme.
So, there is a list to this pirate's gait.
Now, picture this gait on someone who has never sailed. Picture it on a landlubber. A sober landlubber. A teatotaling, Bible thumping, dry docked landlubber. Again, an extreme picture. But again, these people tend to be very extreme. Even without the parrot. Or because of. Not sure.
Ataxia is this (from the MD Virtual University):
"Ataxia describes a lack of coordination while performing voluntary movements. It may appear as clumsiness, inaccuracy, or instability. Movements are not smooth and may appear disjointed or jerky.
Ataxia may affect any part of the body. When it affects the arms and hands, it may cause tremor due to over-correction of inaccurate movements, past-pointing when an attempted reach overshoots the target, and poor performance of regular, repeated movements, such as hand clapping. When ataxia affects mechanisms of walking, there will be instability with a tendency to fall. As a result, the child usually adopts a wide-based gait, with the feet spread further apart than the hips. This is done in an attempt to compensate for the instability. The gait may appear "drunken." Balance may also be affected; the child may fall spontaneously or be unable to compensate for variations in the ground or a mild push from the side. When ataxia affects speech, it leads to "scanning" speech. In this form of speech, the voice is relatively monotone, often with a breathy sound accompanied by unusual accelerations or pauses between syllables. When ataxia affects the eyes, rapid shifts of gaze to look at a particular object often miss. On careful examination, the eyes may be observed to overshoot or undershoot their mark, with "catch-up" movements."
Now to my point. If any of the class is still awake, that is. Personally, I dozed a bit right around "Ataxia describes..."
My point is that for all of these years when I've appeared intoxicated, lubricated, under the weather, out of my gourd pissing mad, ripped to the gills, three sheets to the wind, stupefied, mesmerized, hypmotized, and just generally shitass drunk...I really wasn't. It was the ataxia talking.
Now, I know a few of you, or some or you, or maybe most or all of you are saying to yourselves right now, right this minute in fact, "SSM has got his head up his anus". But think. When you and I were out on the town (well, at Livingstone's) and you saw me drinking what appeared to be a brown beer, how did you know it was beer? That and tea look exactly the same. When you thought you heard me asking for a taxi, could I actually having been announcing "I feel ataxic"?
So, there you have it. All these years I've been pulling the wool over your eyes. I was always ashamed of my ataxia, so I pretended to be the town drunk. I'm a good actor, after all.
Just felt I should tell the truth and be done with it.
And I think that deserves a round.
Of applause, dammit!

Hot Off The Press

"Cheney said the tape showed that al-Qaida has been hobbled, because "they didn't have the ability to do anything on video" and because it had been so long since bin Laden had been heard from."
Hey. Good news. We have al-quaeda on the run. They can't even afford a video camera. In comments not approved for dissemination, Cheney added that he expects the next message to be delivered on an Etch-A-Sketch. After that, stone tablet and chisel. But by the November election, he hopes to announce a huge terrorist attack imminent and of biblical (King James revised) proportions. Cheney's spokesman stressed that the attack announcement would be theoretical and "most likely only used in the event of looming Democratic gains in the Senate or House of Representatives during the run-up to the next election cycle".
At today's White House press briefing, Scott McClellan reiterated that the coincidence of the tape of bin Laden appearing around the same time as that of the increasing Republican scandal surrounding Jack Abramoff's conviction and subsequent "squealing" to prosecuters about who he paid off for favors, while highly unlikely, was merely an unfortunate "'cervix of combostuble events'. His words exactly. The President would in no way want to appear as having had a hand in distracting the hard-working media and the common citizenry from non-events not happening within the White House or with its Brown...yes, David? What would you like to insinuate today?".
The Democrats were quick to respond. Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada) proposed a committee to investigate steroid abuse by the Mafia, while Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York) called for an investigation into a possible candidacy for the 2008 presidential nomination citing bin Laden's offer to cease hostilities as a sign that "most terrorists are likely to vote Democratic in the next election cycle" thereby ensuring an uptick of at least .00182% in voter registration. Howard Dean could not be reached for comment. The Republican National Committee, however, downplayed Clinton's comments stating that in the 2004 election almost all known domestic and foreign terrorists voted Republican and that the RNC didn't see that changing so long as President Bush remained commited to the "war on terror". Said one RNC analyst, asking for anonymity, "Until we as a nation soften in our stance against terror the Republican Party can expect continued support from all of those miscreants who would bring down our noble effort". Clarification could not be obtained at press time as to what "noble effort" meant.
What does this mean to the average person on the street? We didn't know, so we asked one. Juble Jenkinsoninfromtonshire, age "41" and living in the Northwest, wasn't sure what all of the fuss was about.
Said Jenkinsoninfromtonshire, "Being average, I can only hypothesize. Perhaps this confluence of irregular confabulations will set off tintinabulations within the auracles of the hoi-polloi. Now get off my cardboard bed and away from my heating grate. This is MY turf until the DOW tops 12,000."
Efforts to reach Jenkinsoninfromtonshire for a follow-up interview were fruitless as, according to his PR firm, he was out of cell phone reach on an aluminum recycling pilgrimage.

Sanctity of Life. By Gum!

"At no point are we not going to value the sanctity of life," said prison spokesman Vernell Crittendon. "We would resuscitate him," then execute him.
No offense to those of you who support the death penalty for whatever reason (even though I think y'all are morons), but what the hell??? Clarence Ray Allen- a vicious, unrepetent asshole who was resuscitated once back in September for a supposedly fatal heart attack- asked his captors to let him just die if he had another one before his execution. The above response says it all about our so-called criminal justice system and the (lack of) morality therein.
"Sanctity of life"??? We will bring you back as many times as necessary, because we believe in the Sanctity of Life, so that we can kill you deaddeaddead in order to prove a point. I'm guessing the point is about the Sanctity of Life somehow. He didn't believe in it while he was ordering hits from prison, but somehow by kickstarting his heart as many times as it takes we ("we" being the morons) are showing him and the world that we value human life so much we will do whatever it takes to keep someone alive long enough to kill him legally. Um, put quotation marks around legally. So that it looks like this: "legally". Not to be confused with "morally". Or "financially feasible". Or "reducing the violent crime rate". Or "making the victims' families really feel any better in the long run".
Did you know it costs more to put a prisoner to death "legally" than it does to just lock them up forever and throw away the key? If a murderer continues to be a naughty boy in prison, then take away phone and visitation rights. Don't allow him access to the real world. Spy on his lawyers. My goodness, we're doing it to "terrorists" right now and we have so much less evidence against them.
But no. Put the American to death. Gas him. Electrocute him. Shoot his heart full of holes. Stick a needle in his veins. Then talk about how humane it all is. And how it will bring peace to the families of his victims. And how we are a nation of laws and crime cannot go unpunished and how the punishment must fit the crime. I'm all for a person forfeiting their right to life as we see it. And I'm all for the punishment fitting the crime. But how does killing the convict truly punish him? We've ended his suffering. We've ended his sentence. We are still stuck with his legacy. And it takes us long, long years and millions in taxpayers' money to do so. And 99.9999999% of us couldn't give a shit about that one scumbag. And does it statistically lower the violent crime rate? A big, fat, resounding no.
Unfortunately, it's the morons who make the loudest noise in this arena. Why? Dunno. Maybe they're still pissed off about Viet Nam, the Civil Rights Movement, the New Deal, the Civil War and King George the 3rd turning out to be a big pussy. Really, I don't know. Hell, it could all be constipation from the Roadkill Stew. Enlightenment, people. That's all I ask. And not on the "moral" issue. Fuck that. We should all know by now that revenge solves nothing. I'm more concerned about the moolah and the lawyers sucking it up like the bottom feeders they are. And the politicians using it as an elective stance when really they don't give a shit either. And the preachers who never opened a Bible, but know the right words to get their flocks to tithe. And the Rotarians for whatever reason. I don't think they're related to this rant, but they really bother me. So, they're in.
Any time I think of these people, I hear in my head the line from The Big Lebowski:
"Eight-year-olds, dude."

Just For APJ

See? I am SO over Sandra Bullock.

A Hard Rain Is Gonna Fall

it's raining again. we had one glorious day of no rain yesterday and the cat got kicked the hell out of the house. up to yesterday, there had been 27 straight days of rain. the record is 33. here in bremerton we did get enough to count it as the 28th day, so the streak continues. and my monthly rain total sat at 8.5 inches...before the current downpour started up. the monthly average for january is 8.3 inches. so, it's a wet one. but i love it.
and speaking of things i love, here is Al Gore's speech today commemorating Martin Luther King Day.

bald eagle

amazing the life one can find in the back yard. was just hanging out, ignoring the angry crows that divebombed it.