Saturday, January 28, 2006

House Warming

so, this is my house, my back yard (fairly vertical) and my sky. not so pornographic...if you're not anti-dry sleep. personally, i love this backyard. it's absolutely unmanageable. i couldn't really do a damn thing with it. it will be what it is.
the house itself is warm. cozy. enough room for the cat to bounce and bounce. that light on a stand in front i will look at soon to see if i can get it lit. these free standing, connected outposts can be tricky. i know i'll suss it. i only hope that it gets sussed before i'm soused. i only say that, because i can.
but when i look out my window and i see a huge explosion behind a large tree i have to take a look. you see, the clouds fly low over my house. and sometimes they are gigantic. sometimes, i think i should run for cover, because they can look like a tornado.
and that's all i have to say about that.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Porn 24/7 Hot Nasty Kinky Sex Poodles HNT

In my new, ongoing effort to help the government root out "evildoers" of the online porno community (and, yeah, Lecram and Zonthar have already fallen into my little honeytrap) I feel commited to showing you yet more pornographic images (not that Penelope is by any means pornographic...except in my dreams!).
So, feast your eyes, dirty little commies!:

Had enough? Want more? Huh? Do ya? Like I said, 24/7. Tune in tomorrow when you're done scrubbing your optics with a brillo pad and scraping the white-out off of your moniter screen.

p.s. if pictures aren't your gig, if you like reading porn more, then this is for you:

MANAMA, Bahrain -- Pop star Michael Jackson was spotted shopping in a Bahrain mall on Wednesday, hiding his face behind a veil and donning a black robe traditionally worn by women in the Gulf.

Did you like my porn? The first pic's of me and my BIGBIGBIG nostrils breathing the CLEANCLEANCLEAN air of the 'NO. Do you like HNTHNTHNT? Then go here and absorb all you can. There's nothing like absorption to make you feel fresh. and it will help me further my porno entrapment cause and win me big lobbying bucks.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Aaaaand The Winner Of This Week's Obsession Goes To...

Penelope Cruz! And to those of you who think any nudity is porn, you're dead wrong. This is a wonderful picture from Open Your Eyes. Open Your Eyes is the original movie that they copied for Vanilla Sky. Vanilla Sky is just one more example of why Tom Cruise should not be allowed to attempt to act. Or breed (the movie's not the reason, he is).
Penelope, on the other breast, is a fine, fine actress and should you need further proof just rent Woman On Top.
Ah, Penelope. You make my life bearable even in the darkest of hours.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Letter To The Spinners (not the music group)

well, i sent these questions to all of the "guests" on the McLaughlin Group. If any answer (and Tony Blankly has in the past) I'll let you know whether you like it or not.
Her are the questions:
1) How do you not call for presidential impeachment proceedings when it's becoming clearer and clearer that Bush circumvented the FISA law? FISA was set up to make it as easy as possible for a president to obtain a warrant for wiretapping. The threshold for evidence of need is the smallest legal modicum possible. Why, then, would Bush attempt an around-end of this law if he felt his actions were legal? Time being of the essence cannot be an argument concerning FISA. Bush could start his wiretapping three days before approaching the FISA judges. And these judges have granted nearly all requests (only four denied) since FISA's inception. So, where (to you) is the legal basis for Bush's actions regarding this?
2) As a follow-up: If Bush was legally entitled to circumvent FISA, then why did he lie about it at first? And, after that, why did he claim the 5th, then admit it, then claim that Clinton and Carter did it (which they didn't), then assert that had he been doing this before 9/11 he might have been able to prevent 9/11? It's a fact that Bush knew bin Laden was planning to attack us with airplanes. It's a fact that Bush knew law enforcement was surveilling illegal aliens on our soil who were taking flying lessons and had direct ties to bin Laden. It's a fact that Bush did nothing about it and shooed away those who tried to clue him in to the information. And Bush's current argument that announcing he was covertly wiretapping phone conversations would alert terrorists and cause them to shut up or find new ways to communicate doesn't seem to hold water in light of the information we know he had prior to 9/11. So, why did he need to lie about the existence of wiretapping ("When we talk about wiretapping, we're talking about getting a court order. That hasn't changed...")? Terrorists have to know that any communication of theirs is being sought by the very people they seek to harm. If I was a terrorist I think I'd be smart enough to figure that out.
3) This wasn't on the show, but I'd like to know your thoughts. Jack Abramoff has claimed that he met with George Bush, that he knows George Bush. Bush's office has claimed the opposite. In fact, TIME has a photo showing Bush and Abramoff together at a meeting. Bush's office has said Abramoff wasn't present at the meeting, but key Indian tribe clients who were there assert the opposite. Key Indian clients who were in the same picture. So, the question is: Who do we believe? The constituents present or the Office? Abramoff has been tied to more than two dozen Republican politicians and the White House. There is photographic proof that Abramoff was at a meeting (not a party) with Bush and the White House is trying to tell us it never happened. Who do we believe? This administration has a detailed and public record of lying and dissembling in the face of known facts. Who do we believe?While I hold no hope that you will reply to this, I thank you for hopefully reading it.

I Got Rhythm, Ataxic Rhythm

One thing that very few people know about me is that I am Abraham Lincoln's first cousin, four times removed. That means that my great-great-great grandmother (give or take) was his aunt (or uncle...hard to tell sometimes in those old tin-types). This, in and of itself, means nothing. Everyone is related to someone famous somewhere back in time. Everyone will be related to someone famous somewhere forward in time.
However, that's not the point. This is the point. It seems that a mutated gene which causes a form of ataxia has been found and traced down through the descendents of Honest Abe's family (or a branch thereof). All the way through to the present.
What's ataxia, you ask? Good question. Gold star for you.
When one considers ataxia, one should first picture in the mind a drunken pirate. A drunken pirate on land. A drunken pirate on land for the first time in a very long time. With a large parrot on one shoulder that adds weight more to one side of the pirate's body than the other. This is an extreme picture. But most drunken pirates who own parrots tend to be extreme.
So, there is a list to this pirate's gait.
Now, picture this gait on someone who has never sailed. Picture it on a landlubber. A sober landlubber. A teatotaling, Bible thumping, dry docked landlubber. Again, an extreme picture. But again, these people tend to be very extreme. Even without the parrot. Or because of. Not sure.
Ataxia is this (from the MD Virtual University):
"Ataxia describes a lack of coordination while performing voluntary movements. It may appear as clumsiness, inaccuracy, or instability. Movements are not smooth and may appear disjointed or jerky.
Ataxia may affect any part of the body. When it affects the arms and hands, it may cause tremor due to over-correction of inaccurate movements, past-pointing when an attempted reach overshoots the target, and poor performance of regular, repeated movements, such as hand clapping. When ataxia affects mechanisms of walking, there will be instability with a tendency to fall. As a result, the child usually adopts a wide-based gait, with the feet spread further apart than the hips. This is done in an attempt to compensate for the instability. The gait may appear "drunken." Balance may also be affected; the child may fall spontaneously or be unable to compensate for variations in the ground or a mild push from the side. When ataxia affects speech, it leads to "scanning" speech. In this form of speech, the voice is relatively monotone, often with a breathy sound accompanied by unusual accelerations or pauses between syllables. When ataxia affects the eyes, rapid shifts of gaze to look at a particular object often miss. On careful examination, the eyes may be observed to overshoot or undershoot their mark, with "catch-up" movements."

Now to my point. If any of the class is still awake, that is. Personally, I dozed a bit right around "Ataxia describes..."
My point is that for all of these years when I've appeared intoxicated, lubricated, under the weather, out of my gourd pissing mad, ripped to the gills, three sheets to the wind, stupefied, mesmerized, hypmotized, and just generally shitass drunk...I really wasn't. It was the ataxia talking.
Now, I know a few of you, or some or you, or maybe most or all of you are saying to yourselves right now, right this minute in fact, "SSM has got his head up his anus". But think. When you and I were out on the town (well, at Livingstone's) and you saw me drinking what appeared to be a brown beer, how did you know it was beer? That and tea look exactly the same. When you thought you heard me asking for a taxi, could I actually having been announcing "I feel ataxic"?
So, there you have it. All these years I've been pulling the wool over your eyes. I was always ashamed of my ataxia, so I pretended to be the town drunk. I'm a good actor, after all.
Just felt I should tell the truth and be done with it.
And I think that deserves a round.
Of applause, dammit!