Friday, July 14, 2006

It's Fuck You Friday

evidently, it's Fuck You Friday and, while i don't currently have any shots of me giving the "fuck you" to anyone, i do have this nice photo of the Chimp attempting to pass a field sobriety test. and tequilagirl did say "rules? we don't need no fucking rules!", so that means i can post any fucking picture i fucking want. don't like it? i think you know my response to that.
Happy Fuck You Friday.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Sanctity of the Hoo Hoo

"Straight" from The White House:

(for the boys)

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.
2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.
3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.
4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.
5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.
Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.
Catching a brain-rotting STD like "Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" any nasty dirty girlie holes.

(for the girls)

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.
3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.
5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
Super-expensive dry cleaning bills for getting crusty sex goop off all my good silk and cashmere stuff.
Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.
Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love."


so, as i was saying a couple of posts ago, i am currently undergoing a spate of very, very vivid dreams since my sleep is barely under the wire in terms of depth. last night was no exception. i won't bore you with the whole dream, but i wanted to share one part. see, my dreams right now are extremely linear and coherent. even the jumps have segues. i am having complete conversations with people and the action and plots make sense. anyway...a certain woman (and no one read into any of this, please) was trying to get me to stop seeing a certain other woman by claiming she was just using me. i wouldn't listen to her, so she hired the help of two certain gentlemen i know to arrange a meeting between the four of us wherein the two gentlemen would steer the conversation in such a direction that the certain other woman's, uh, usary, would be forced into the open. after many attempts they finally succeeded and i looked at the first woman with dawning recognition in my eyes. she noticed, smiled, and said "wow. high resolution results from low wattage morons". i just wanted to share that line, because i woke up and laughed my ass off. kept thinking about it at work, too, and giggling, which drew more than a couple of concerned stares.

good times.

Director of Irony. Heh.

(From a recent speech given by Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-IL)
"Mr. Speaker, yesterday the President said we continue to be wise about how we spend the people's money.
"Then why are we paying over $100,000 for a 'White House Director of Lessons Learned'?
"Maybe I can save the taxpayers $100,000 by running through a few of the lessons this White House should have learned by now.
"Lesson 1: When the Army Chief of Staff and the Secretary of State say you are going to war without enough troops, you're going to war without enough troops.
"Lesson 2: When 8.8 billion dollars of reconstruction funding disappears from Iraq, and 2 billion dollars disappears from Katrina relief, it's time to demand a little accountability.
"Lesson 3: When you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq more times than Danica Patrick at the Indy 500, it means you are going in circles.
"Lesson 4: When the national weather service tells you a category 5 hurricane is heading for New Orleans, a category 5 hurricane is heading to New Orleans.
"I would also ask the President why we're paying for two 'Ethics Advisors' and a 'Director of Fact Checking.'
"They must be the only people in Washington who get more vacation time than the President.
"Maybe the White House could consolidate these positions into a Director of Irony."

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Day 10: The Monkey Emerges

managed to get out of the house tonight. my brain is beginning to get the hang of being abby...something. the last week has been a bit, well, wrong. perhaps it is a compliment to my psyche that wellbutrin twists me in the wind. it must mean i'm not depressed since that is what the drug is ultimately used for. however, it's also used for smoking cessation, alcoholism and weight loss (because the so-called "smarty" scientists finally figured out the hard way that this drug caused a significant minority of users to explode or commit suicide).
so, i've dropped 9 pounds in ten days. my nicotine cravings are definately diminishing (except when i go out) and alcohol has tasted like day-old dog farts

until this evening. actually, food has, too. except for tacos. don't know what it is about tacos made at home with fried corn tortillas that transcends all. but whatever it is does. cantaloupe's been tasting really good, too, as has raw cauliflower. all food looks and smells great and i am enjoying watching other people eat, but mostly my taste buds have gone on vacation to scotland for haggus.

the headaches are wearing off. the irritability is under control now that i know not to drink caffeine in public.
the std turned out to be a sinus infection (but, yes, the appropriate person was still notified).
i am completely focused at work and get a lot done and can speak very, very fast without tripping up.
when i get home i go back into la-la land. the energy surges are like a rollercoaster.
i am now a cheap date to get drunk.
i still am not sleeping in any stretch of the imagination. alpha level maybe. the dreams are extremely vivid and sometimes unsettling. memories are being dredged up from my past that i haven't thought about in years or decades. not necessarily a good time, but damn interesting.

as fucked up as i've felt, i gotta admit it's still fun to ride a new dragon from time to time.
Hey. A funny political ad. Who'da thunk it?

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Day 8, Using medication To Help Quit Smoking

Dear Diary: