Hot Off The Press

"Cheney said the tape showed that al-Qaida has been hobbled, because "they didn't have the ability to do anything on video" and because it had been so long since bin Laden had been heard from."
Hey. Good news. We have al-quaeda on the run. They can't even afford a video camera. In comments not approved for dissemination, Cheney added that he expects the next message to be delivered on an Etch-A-Sketch. After that, stone tablet and chisel. But by the November election, he hopes to announce a huge terrorist attack imminent and of biblical (King James revised) proportions. Cheney's spokesman stressed that the attack announcement would be theoretical and "most likely only used in the event of looming Democratic gains in the Senate or House of Representatives during the run-up to the next election cycle".
At today's White House press briefing, Scott McClellan reiterated that the coincidence of the tape of bin Laden appearing around the same time as that of the increasing Republican scandal surrounding Jack Abramoff's conviction and subsequent "squealing" to prosecuters about who he paid off for favors, while highly unlikely, was merely an unfortunate "'cervix of combostuble events'. His words exactly. The President would in no way want to appear as having had a hand in distracting the hard-working media and the common citizenry from non-events not happening within the White House or with its Brown...yes, David? What would you like to insinuate today?".
The Democrats were quick to respond. Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada) proposed a committee to investigate steroid abuse by the Mafia, while Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York) called for an investigation into a possible candidacy for the 2008 presidential nomination citing bin Laden's offer to cease hostilities as a sign that "most terrorists are likely to vote Democratic in the next election cycle" thereby ensuring an uptick of at least .00182% in voter registration. Howard Dean could not be reached for comment. The Republican National Committee, however, downplayed Clinton's comments stating that in the 2004 election almost all known domestic and foreign terrorists voted Republican and that the RNC didn't see that changing so long as President Bush remained commited to the "war on terror". Said one RNC analyst, asking for anonymity, "Until we as a nation soften in our stance against terror the Republican Party can expect continued support from all of those miscreants who would bring down our noble effort". Clarification could not be obtained at press time as to what "noble effort" meant.
What does this mean to the average person on the street? We didn't know, so we asked one. Juble Jenkinsoninfromtonshire, age "41" and living in the Northwest, wasn't sure what all of the fuss was about.
Said Jenkinsoninfromtonshire, "Being average, I can only hypothesize. Perhaps this confluence of irregular confabulations will set off tintinabulations within the auracles of the hoi-polloi. Now get off my cardboard bed and away from my heating grate. This is MY turf until the DOW tops 12,000."
Efforts to reach Jenkinsoninfromtonshire for a follow-up interview were fruitless as, according to his PR firm, he was out of cell phone reach on an aluminum recycling pilgrimage.

Sanctity of Life. By Gum!

"At no point are we not going to value the sanctity of life," said prison spokesman Vernell Crittendon. "We would resuscitate him," then execute him.
No offense to those of you who support the death penalty for whatever reason (even though I think y'all are morons), but what the hell??? Clarence Ray Allen- a vicious, unrepetent asshole who was resuscitated once back in September for a supposedly fatal heart attack- asked his captors to let him just die if he had another one before his execution. The above response says it all about our so-called criminal justice system and the (lack of) morality therein.
"Sanctity of life"??? We will bring you back as many times as necessary, because we believe in the Sanctity of Life, so that we can kill you deaddeaddead in order to prove a point. I'm guessing the point is about the Sanctity of Life somehow. He didn't believe in it while he was ordering hits from prison, but somehow by kickstarting his heart as many times as it takes we ("we" being the morons) are showing him and the world that we value human life so much we will do whatever it takes to keep someone alive long enough to kill him legally. Um, put quotation marks around legally. So that it looks like this: "legally". Not to be confused with "morally". Or "financially feasible". Or "reducing the violent crime rate". Or "making the victims' families really feel any better in the long run".
Did you know it costs more to put a prisoner to death "legally" than it does to just lock them up forever and throw away the key? If a murderer continues to be a naughty boy in prison, then take away phone and visitation rights. Don't allow him access to the real world. Spy on his lawyers. My goodness, we're doing it to "terrorists" right now and we have so much less evidence against them.
But no. Put the American to death. Gas him. Electrocute him. Shoot his heart full of holes. Stick a needle in his veins. Then talk about how humane it all is. And how it will bring peace to the families of his victims. And how we are a nation of laws and crime cannot go unpunished and how the punishment must fit the crime. I'm all for a person forfeiting their right to life as we see it. And I'm all for the punishment fitting the crime. But how does killing the convict truly punish him? We've ended his suffering. We've ended his sentence. We are still stuck with his legacy. And it takes us long, long years and millions in taxpayers' money to do so. And 99.9999999% of us couldn't give a shit about that one scumbag. And does it statistically lower the violent crime rate? A big, fat, resounding no.
Unfortunately, it's the morons who make the loudest noise in this arena. Why? Dunno. Maybe they're still pissed off about Viet Nam, the Civil Rights Movement, the New Deal, the Civil War and King George the 3rd turning out to be a big pussy. Really, I don't know. Hell, it could all be constipation from the Roadkill Stew. Enlightenment, people. That's all I ask. And not on the "moral" issue. Fuck that. We should all know by now that revenge solves nothing. I'm more concerned about the moolah and the lawyers sucking it up like the bottom feeders they are. And the politicians using it as an elective stance when really they don't give a shit either. And the preachers who never opened a Bible, but know the right words to get their flocks to tithe. And the Rotarians for whatever reason. I don't think they're related to this rant, but they really bother me. So, they're in.
Any time I think of these people, I hear in my head the line from The Big Lebowski:
"Eight-year-olds, dude."

Just For APJ

See? I am SO over Sandra Bullock.

A Hard Rain Is Gonna Fall

it's raining again. we had one glorious day of no rain yesterday and the cat got kicked the hell out of the house. up to yesterday, there had been 27 straight days of rain. the record is 33. here in bremerton we did get enough to count it as the 28th day, so the streak continues. and my monthly rain total sat at 8.5 inches...before the current downpour started up. the monthly average for january is 8.3 inches. so, it's a wet one. but i love it.
and speaking of things i love, here is Al Gore's speech today commemorating Martin Luther King Day.

bald eagle

amazing the life one can find in the back yard. was just hanging out, ignoring the angry crows that divebombed it.