Friday, May 12, 2006

Smoke Me A Kipper

in response to steph's question about my thoughts about the nightclub manager getting 4 years in prison for the fire that killed something like 100 people at a heavy metal gig due to pyrotechnics onstage igniting the ceiling:
check this out where an "eco-terrorist" gets almost 23 years for setting three trucks on fire at a dealership. do i think this guy is nearsighted in terms of what he should have chosen to do in order to get his message out? oh yes. do i think that 23 years is ridiculous and unwarranted without his having caused the death or injury of even one person? more than yes.
so, a nightclub manager who knows that pyrotechnics are not allowed according to city code lets it happen or fails to ensure that a band known for pyrotechnics gets the memo is serving 4 years. do i think he is a killer? not at all. do i think he's an idiot who stood aside in order to get his paycheck and keep everyone happy? yes, i do. do i think that he is the "ringleader" who deserves the most lockup time? no, again. the people who go to these concerts know what they're in for. the people who go to these concerts know that it will get violent at some point. the people who go these concerts know that the venues absolutely suck. did they deserve to die? no. did they deserve anything but a kickass concert? no. did they know that this band gets out of control on a regular basis and look forward to it? yes. did the manager know this as well? yes. is he paid to make the band and the patrons happy? yes. did he do his job well up to the point that the ceiling caught on fire? yes. do he do his job well after? not so much. but how do you calm a headbanger crowd down when the place is on fire? you don't. and what do you do when the sprinklers don't turn on? run like hell. so, i can blame the germans, but do i punish them harshly because they are culpable or do i not because they didn't go into the evening thinking that it would be cool to kill a bunch of bad music lovers?

by the way, have you ever noticed that when someone else yawns you want to as well? but when a pet yawns there is no like reaction on your part? why is that? do pets yawn differently? is it a species thing? what?

and how cool is my former dispatch woman? she had extra copies of Ender's Game and Speaker For The Dead and gave them to me as a going-away present. i lost $15 earlier this year when i tried to order them online. i received neither books nor refund.

i've been hearing a commercial for Geico lately that asks you about the feeling of getting a $5 bill from your granny and then 99 more from some other people. then it asks you about finding a $5 bill on the ground and then finding a $495 bill next to it. Geico (and i belong to them, by the way) thinks that finding a piece of currency in the amount of $495 to be a good thing. tell me: what store is going to accept a $495 bill? and whose picture is on it? is it the kind of bill i would slip into the waitress's book after my bosses all hung out with me and then left without paying anything and i know there is no way i can pay for this mistake of mine? is this special money for states with a mandatory purchase rebate? can you take it to a bank and ask for all $1 bills in exchange? all $5? quarters? serously, though, whose picture would be on it?

i will miss jackfm in seattle. it is a radio station that has no dj. ever. it plays music, "clever quotes" by a prerecorded voice that is sometimes amusing. it plays commercials and makes no bones about it. any sigles from the late late sixties to about 2 years ago. i've been surprised by songs i haven't heard in a long time by madonna, nine inch nails, the talking heads, the doors, the go-go's, KISS, rickie lee jones, movie quips, peter gabriel, tom waits, the proclaimers, pearl jam, tower of power, prince, matchbox 20. and i've been disappointed. the playlist is fairly random, but they do only play commercial singles. so, no obscure b side song except very occasionally. but their library is pretty vast. santana is playing right now. oye como va. valise notch. say your mama coughs. squa-weeze them. ..okay, so those are my rendition.

Free At Last

um...i made it. i'm free sort of at last. no more bad boss. just a sad boss. his loss. today actually went relatively quickly. i had enough work to keep me occupied, then i read a book for the last two hours. i seem to have not met everyone's expectations, though. no one thought i would show up today. so, i saw looks of amazement and chagrin. a few of them may have lost bets.
i did receive kind words and thanks from all but He Who Shall Not Be Named. while my time here was short i did manage to make a difference in the eyes of the technicians. so, that makes me feel good. now that i think about it, everyone who had a reason to come into the office did stop to thank me. except bill. but he's, well, in his own orbit around the planet Anger. penn was the best. he knew exactly why i chose to leave and understood. he's worked with HWSNBN for a number of years and has seen him alienate many people. penn and i got along very well. he's the type of inspector who never talks down to anyone who might not be as experienced as he is. he will simply use smaller words. he enjoys teaching and mentoring. he's the kind of inspector i wish i could replicate ten times and have as my entire field staff. aaron, robert, john, tim and james all were very kind.
jon can kiss my ass. he is a ladder climber who will say one thing to you and another behind your back. but he was useful, because he's a snitch. i found i could feed him stuff in "confidence" knowing it would go straight to HWSNBN.
but that's all over. now, i go back to being a technician and arguing only with the dirt that is given to me. oh, another fun thing today: one of my old co-workers from down in the 'No called me for help on some asphalt testing. i was able to get her past the problems over the phone in about 30 minutes and it felt great to feel like a troubleshooter again. i haven't been asked to use my testing experience in some time.
but anyway. it's friday and i'm free. i may come back on later for political meanderings and whatnot. for now, gluck gluck gluck. burp. scratch. gluck gluck gluck.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

T Minus One

Am I just charmaliscious or what? I scored a $50 Visa gift card out of the SBC operator just by being my normal beautiful self. And the DSL modem is free. So, I have a new address, new phone number and DSL service when I get back to the 'No. APJ, ETA is next Thursday evening. I plan to do an almost straight through drive with the help of Exedrin Migraine (all the pain relief, twice the caffeine) with time to stop off somewhere and hit 756 homers in less than an hour. Tweaked when I get there? Oh yes. Needing help to unload the furniture? Definately. Happy to be back someplace where culture isn't a foreign word? Priceless. Moving away from my current boss? Pinch me. Wait, don't . If this is a dream I don't want to wake up.
Happy to be back with my old landlord. Endless thanks to Lecram for hooking me up with him in the first place three years ago. You gotta love a landlord who frequents your drinking establishments and insists on buying you one or two every time. And isn't hung up on "the rent is due by this day or you get charged extra". And doesn't even want a security deposit. But does take good care of the place. Of course, he does have amazingly responsible renters like me. When I moved out of my last place in the 'No before moving up here I realized I couldn't get the place totally cleaned before leaving (mostly because I let the moving guys take my vacuum cleaner two days before). So, I left a sixpack of good beer in the fridge along with some of my mom's homemade jam with a note to apologize about the pile of dust and stuff I'd swept into a corner. He liked it.
So, now I have an address that has to have the letter R or word Rear put on it in order for me to get mail. Cool. Make the joke, dear readers. Make the joke.
Now, one more day of work to get through. Today, my boss came through the lab and stopped as if he just remembered something and asked "So, your last day is still, um, tomorrow?". As if he'd forgotten. The message there was very simply "I'm trying to make you think that I truely don't think you're still here". Then he told me he wanted a "synopsis" of how the lab stands and what needs to be done by the time I leave. This guy is such a piece of work. He is in a panic to replace me, but won't speak with me unless it's to report a problem he has with me. And he won't include me in the steps needed to be taken in order to provide a smooth transition. He hasn't even interviewed anyone for my position. Why? Because he sat on his ass until it became a crisis.
Will I get a going-away lunch tomorrow? No. Will I get a thank-you-for-what-you've-done-and-can-we-still-be-friends moment? No. I will come in and do my work as I normally would and leave at 5 pm in order to get a free ride with the dispatch woman. I don't know that I even want to shake his hand if it's offered.
I found out very recently that he has illegally abused my salary position. I've said nothing. I don't know what to say or what I want to do about it. I know I'm going to make sure that the person who replaces me can't be taken advantage of in this way. Whether I ask for compensation for all of the extra hours worked is still a question turning on the spit in my mind.
But tomorrow is my last day! I'm so looking forward to working. I can do whatever I want. I can tell him to go fuck himself and there's nothing he can do. My transfer is complete and Clovis wants me back. I won't tell him anything, of course, but it will be nice to see him twist if there's anything he needs to speak to me about.
Anyhoo, I'm going to watch a movie now and drink a beer.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I Blog Therefor I Am

1. When was the last time you had sex?
Most cultures define sex as an inimate act between two consenting adults. I do not. So, about four minutes ago.
2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
Right. Like anyone else does either. You leave one, I leave another.
3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Of course. It's the only thing that restrains me from attacking the other idiots.
4. Do you have a crush on someone?
Oh yes. Oh yes indeedy. See answer #1.
5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it?
6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
(other people) Kevin Kline, Starsky, Tim Dalton. (me) Jack Black.
7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
Liv Tyler
9. Do you crack your knuckles?
Yes. I, also, knuckle my crack.
10. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
I wake up every morning for some reason with a new song stuck in my head. So, it's a daily thing. Today's was "Sweet Child of Mine" by Guns and Roses. But I didn't hate it...for the first 30 minutes or so. Now, Axl Rose must die.
11. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
No. Right now, I have the Bangles' "Vacation" going. Ooh, why would that be there?
12. What are your super powers?
The ability to annoy without provocation. Manipulation of others' feelings. Being goddamn funny even when no one else gets it. Forgetting the writer's lines. Sloth. Gardening. The ability to ignore incessant ringing. Eating for free at Costco. Shopping. Fucking up...and somehow making up for it.
13. What is the hardest thing you have faced?
Growing up. Accepting that Natalie Portman is too young for me. Accepting that I am not superhuman or immortal. Waking up right before driving through the fence right before the DUI. Realizing that I do not have the talent of Laurence Olivier or even one of the guys from "Buttfarts: The Musical". Learning to like myself.
14. Where are your car keys?
Within reach.
15. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
I don't even want to hear my own. I pick Zonthar and Mustang.
16. What's your most annoying habit?
Not answering the phone would be most people's pick. But I choose making sure my nose doesn't whistle before I fall asleep (this can be a long drawnout process if I'm partially stuffed up. I had one girlfriend banish me to the living room, that's when I learned to do it quietly).
17. Where did you go on your last vacation?
The 'No, of course. Tower. Rogue. Rain. Big fun. Friends galore. Great wrap party.
18. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it who would it be?
Ann Coulter. Oh, and I'd want the cameras. Get away, yes; have it not seen, no.
19. What is your best physical feature?
My ankles are kind of nice. They're well-formed.
20. What CD is closest to you right now?
Gillain Welch. Kien Lim. Southern Culture On The Skids. Rickie Lee Jones. Sublime.
21. What three things can always be found in your refrigerator?
Three? Um, cauliflower, cheese and beer. Three more: minced garlic, flour tortillas, corn tortillas. Three more: salad dressing, jam, butter.
22. What superstition do you believe/practice?
Wake up, shower, cup of tea with cigarette, take first crap.
25. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
No. But I will take my hand off the wheel in order to "greet" those who do.
26. What would your name have been if you'd been born the opposite gender? If you don't know what your parents would've chosen, what name would you choose for your other-gendered self?.
Joelle. My choice. I happen to like my name and think any girl would be lucky to be named after me.
27. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
28. If you could go back or forward in time would you and where would you go?
The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe.
29. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
30. What CD is in your stereo?
2 A.M. Orchestra.
31. What OCD qualities do you have?
Orange County what? None so far as I know.
32. How many kids do you want to have?
See question #1.
33. If you could kiss anyone famous who would it be?
Liv Tyler. Susan Sarandon. Christina Ricci. David Letterman.
34.Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
Why not? If you knew my history of kissing et al, you'd wonder why they wanted to kiss me.
35. What do you do when no one is watching?
Practice. Also, see #1.
36. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
Who would I like? John Cusack. Who would I expect? Bystander #2. My life is boring and boring is never celuloid. Okay, so maybe Michael Caine during one of his paycheck phases.
37. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
Blaze of Glory. I hate the cold now.
38. What candy, from when you were a kid, do you miss the most?
The ones I would steal. Seriously.
39. What is your favorite kid's movie?
Kiki's Delivery Service.
40. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
Rickie Lee Jones, Lyle Lovett, Supertramp, The Beach Boys, Jonathon Richman, Tower of Power, The Police.
41. Have you ever been in love?
In love with love many times. In love with others...hard to say. It never took, so it's hard to say.
42. Do you talk to yourself?
I blog therefor I am.
43. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?
Nope. Without the ones I dislike I would have no outlet for my loathing of others. Or the ability to feel superior.
Bonds not Ruthian? Bullshit. Couldn't say it better myself. Actually, I couldn't say it anywhere near this well. After all, I am not a writer. I am a ranter. And anyone who thinks that Bonds got to where he is on the back of a needle can kiss my hairy white ass. Babe Ruth was a pig with the IQ of that twin from Deliverance.
Well, it's Quittin' Time minus 2 days. My lab tech asked me if he could take those two days off for a long weekend and, knowing that he will be working 6 or 7 days a week until they find my replacement, I said "get the hell out of here". So, I will be solo for these last two days. Which is okay. But I'll miss the young bugger. That boy can break me out of a funk faster than anyone I've ever met. Maybe it's because he's young. Maybe it's because he has a chip and attitude like no one's business and it makes me laugh to watch him get all pumped up over miniscule things. But I'll miss him. I just got done writing a letter of recommendation for him along with a personal note addressing those things I think he needs to think about. I may call him and get him to come mow the lawn before I leave (and help me schlep the couches into the moving van). It's weird leaving here. I can't wait to be back in the Tower and see all of my friends. But there's a part of me that hates walking away from this challenge I was so up for only 6 months ago. Under different circumstances I could have made this lab the creme de la creme. It's almost there. Well, it's a year or two away from "there", but it coulda happened. I don't feel as if this was a failure. But I do feel it was a big missed opportunity. And it will take time for me to figure out if the miss was truely the boss's fault or if I could have learned something from all of this and stayed. I do know that the person who replaces me can ask for the moon in terms of salary. They will be walking into a ready-made lab and the boss is in a panic. He won't speak to me about it...actually he won't speak to me about anything. He is acting as if I am already gone. Cutting off his nose to spite his face. Everyone else is being cool about the whole affair. I'm getting the usual ribs, but they're letting me know that they would like me to stay. I think I can leave on a positive note. I learned a lot about management and about myself. Someday, maybe, I can try it again. For now, though, I look forward to becoming an hourly grunt who just runs tests and helps out the lab boss.
See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

T Minus Three and Counting

You thought it was over, but you're wrong. One more comment on the mighty mighty Stephen Colbert. Steph-o!

It's easy for many of us to forget those affected by hurricane Katrina. it's last year's story and so many more scandals and disasters have happened since. It's nice to know that some journalists are still working to remind us that this most devastating tragedy is not yet behind us and may not be for years to come.

Tony Blair has announced he will be stepping down from his most exalted post earlier than anticipated. He and his party have been rocked by scandal and gaining lack of public support for some time now, but things became inestimably worse when Jack Straw was sacked and word leaked out that it was due primarily to the influence of George "heckuvajob" Bush and one phone call. I have no idea which party would lead England in a better direction than they face now, but it will be distinctly interesting to watch the fall-out over Blair's veryveryvery close ties to our President whose approval ratings just dropped to 31%, let me say that again with another poll's backing-31%, second lowest only to Nixon and Carter. And Carter's ratings bungee-plummeted only because Reagan and his boys were making deals with Tehran during the campaign to not free our citizens until after the vote.

Bush's Fish Story. And, yes, there is a German paper that reported his interview. Some bloggers are asking the question: is he that much of a liar? I respond with: no, he's that much of a boy king moron. And if that's the highlight, ohmyfreakinggoodness, there's not much in the vein of positive news concerning his presidency that even he can conjure up.

Bush says that the Taliban are not terrorists. Just out (well, not so much just out as I'm just getting around to writing about it) is the annual list of those assholes who don't like us and made some sort of pact to show us their dislike by killing one or more of us in a concerted effort. You know, the Liberals. Just kidding. Seriously, I'm somewhat stumped as to how Liberals didn't make that List. But the Taliban are not on there. In another article was a quote from some administration wonk that the Taliban were made up mostly of normal, common, everyday Afghan men who just wanted their homeland back. Not like all those damned Iraqis, I mean insurgents, I mean foreign agitators, I mean effing terrorists not from Saudi Arabia or Dubai.

Do I dare to pretend I understand any monetary bill coming out of Washington an any given day? No, I don't. The legalese used to wrap an enigma in a riddle in a word jumble makes mincemeat of my 140 IQ mind (yeah, that's right. 140. Was told that by an online site the third time I took the test. And I only paid thrice, so there). Do I think that the Republicans, knowing that their control of the government is extremely shaky, will do pretty much anything to reward their benefactors before it's too late? Yes, I do. As any good crony government would do when it thinks it might be on the way out. Line the coffers, boyos. After all, your careers aren't over, just the job titles on your business cards.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Monday Night Movies

As an antidote to Lecram's film picks of the week, I feel I must jump up and offer my own. It's not that I disagree with his choices. So far, he has been spot on interms of quality and entertainment value. However, testostrone level? Fear factor? Violence volume? Not so much. So, I present my first film pick as a remedy:

A rock-solid epic of a journey into the heart of Dixie darkness. Replete with zombies, killer viruses, backwoods redneck fucks, tributes to Deliverance and Evil Dead, and humor so dark and nasty you'd need to solve the Black Hole Theory just to find your pecker afterwards. Plus, it's a Morality Tale. Just in case some of you are hung up on the whole "redeeming quality", "is it good for the children", "he just said the N word" thing. Which I'm not. Laughs, gaffes, chills, thrills and spills. Potty talk, potty humor, maybe even potty potty. One disclaimer, though: it's intelligently written and directed with a talented cast. You know, blah blah blah. One more disclaimer: as Joe Bob Briggs would say, "3 Buckets of Blood, one car explosion, one burning body, zero boobies".

Sunday, May 07, 2006

'No News

Sunday May 28, 2006 at 10:00 AM-5:00 PM

Where:Aldo's Nightclub
617 W. Belmont
Fresno, CA 93728



We are auditioning girls to come and join the fun and work in the biggest Co-Ed bikini car wash event of the year! The only Co-Ed Bikini Car Wash with Private Dancers! Hosted by Private Encounters!
This BIG Event will be held in May 28, 2006!
If interested please send Photos to email addresses below,
For more info email or
Or Call 559-273-0067

whoo hoo! waka waka! ahoooogah!
what's with the co-ed bikini part, though? are there going to be studs wearing buttfloss? or fat guys like me with plumber's butt?