Saturday, May 06, 2006

Jaun Cole

My obsession with Stephen Colbert and the fallout of his night on the town isn't ending yet. Here's a very good editorial about that night and the hypocricy surrounding most of the people attending.
Juan Cole takes it to Christopher Hitchens for being a yellow weasel. Strong, strong comment about the right wing push to annihalte Iran without legitimate provocation. Plus, Cole's nudge about Hitchen's drinking problem. But to get jaun Cole so pissed off that he attacks back with strong language means someone went off the deep end ethically. Cole is as moderate a Liberal as there is. he tries always to be a peacemaker. While he holds to his beliefs, he also tries to take into account always the other side of the argument. This column is a radical departure. Enjoy.
Now, good night.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Letter To The Editor

(oops. after my last post i made the odd decision to write to mr cohen. i'm trying t0 figure out if it's too much beer and not enough zucchini? Or too much zucchini and not enough beer? Or both?)

Mr. Cohen,
You don't find Mr. Colbert funny. Okay. You claim you're funny. Okay. Why is it, though, that you are relegated to writing words that snipe at others from the safety of your First Amendment rights and the cover of your newspaper's lawyers while Colbert is doing his thing on a channel owned by a very conservative company? You called him rude and a bully. In fact, he stuck his neck out in order to make the point that no one among us is beyond reproach. The fact that he basically called the Washington press corps stenographers should be clelebrated. For they are stenographers. If they weren't, Helen Thomas would not be sitting in the back row each day. The fact that he mocked the President made me feel an empowerment I haven't felt for some time. Finally, someone was making jokes that my intellectual brain was enjoying. Where were you when the conservative talk show hosts were lampooning Bill Clinton about his blowjob and not being funny? Did you stand up and shout out that it was disrespectful of the President and his office to mock him? Just because it's a public function does not mean that Bush should be held as would be a crystal vase. You're either a journalist and reporter who adheres to the truth of the matter at hand and not the party line or you are a partisan sycophant. Make your choice and shout it out.

(well, that was just the peachiest letter, wasn't it dearies? i know i'll get a reply from him as soon as he reads it. that's the way those top journalists are. they know the regular person like they know the back of their hand. because the back of the hand is what they see when they clutch their paychecks. write what i tell you and thank me for it. if i do get an answer i will print it here)

Keepin" It Real, Squirrel Style

Porter Goss the Albatross is OUTOUTOUT. 18 months and done. Talk about a temp job. I thought the CIA was a for-life thing until they put a bullet in your head. Or they leaked your name to the papers in retaliation for something your husband said. Or they have you fired on trumped up charges months before you were going to retire anyway. Hmmm, I'll have to look into employment there. I got no wife, they would know going in that I'd hand out classified material to reporters like Santa, presents and attractive women (good or bad) on christmas Eve. Wait, I mean children. Wait, I don't mean attractive ones. Oh, you know what I mean.
And they wouldn't have to lie about the charges of espionage. Looks like a perfect fit. Especially if I can get in on some of this action. Poker and Pros, baby. And at the Watergate hotel. That's the life for me. But wait, there's more. And tens of millions in greenbacks, too? Oh my. I gotta get me some of that. I'd sell my liberal, secular, goin-to-hell-for-sure, can't-believe-in-God-if-I-vote-Democrat soul for a taste of that pie.
Someday, somewhere, in a country far far far away from here, someone with enough clout will once and for all kick touchscreen voting machines the hell out of our solar system. But not today, not this year, not this cycle. Not until the democrats win one by so large a margin that it becomes obvious to the walking dead that their votes went to the wrong guy. Or a Liberal steps away from the bong long enough to learn how to properly hack and not leave a signature ending in "I so got you dudes. Fur sucks. Signed, Chronic."
Sleep-driving? Okay. I'll buy it. So long as they make another pill that allows sleep-sexing, sleep-talking to my parents, sleep-working, and (finally) sleep-sleeping.
Oooh. Now, here's a good question. Should Karl Rove resign from his paid-by-us position in order to orchestrate the Republican National Re-election campaign for this year's mid-term? Sounds a bit partisan on the face of it, dontcha think? He represents an administration that is supposed to represent all of us. Yet, he is now officially in charge of keeping the wingnuts in power within the Congress. Not that it makes much difference one way or the other.
Hit List: Rick Santorum. Purity Balls. Richard Cohen.
On a personal note...what is it with this recent platypus on squirrel sex thing? I mean, for cring out loud, think about the offspring they would produce? Duck-billed rodents with furry claws that are comfortable neither on land or in water and couldn't crack a nut to save their lives. Hell, you might as well try to build another new Volkswagon with that kind of thinking. it just won't work. And as attractive as a certain scary squirrel might find a certain platypus it's just not in the cards, folks. Not gonna happen. Wouldn't be prudent. And Jade, methinks you doth protest too much. Makes me wonder what deep dirty impulses you harbor. As for all of you "anonymous" readers and commenters, read the whole damn thing before you declare that I'm on your side or even interested.
Now, it time to watch "Squid and the Whale". Last night was "Walk the Line", which was very good and entertaining and made me miss my Folsom prison cd that I sold before I moved up here. In fact, anyone who bought something from me at the yardsales, I want it all back. No refunds. You took advantage of me in a weak moment. Shame on you. Lecram, however, can keep the barnyard porn. I didn't really get "it". Keep working on the students, though. They are our future.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I Like Em Scrambled

It's very simple. We need to bomb China and India back into the Stone Age. If they have no roads and cars to drive on them, then we get our oil back. Pushing on Iran isn't the answer, obviously. We push, they get pissed off and turn the handle down on the oil spigot. We bomb them and we lose their oil supply. China and India make deals behind our backs with African nations and whonot and we sit by pretending not to notice. No. Nuke those two and gas prices fall back to 75 cents a gallon, in part because there's more oil to go around and because everyone else is so frigging scared we might radioactivate their testicles as well. I love it. Nuke, nuke, nuke. In the end, we will own all. And the cockroaches will have mutated enough that we can name them and (hopefully) housebreak them. Of course, the platypus will look on and mutter things about our genitalia and how, if evolution favors humans, it didn't give them the ability to lay eggs in the first place (but I will answer by pointing out that electing Bush is, in fact, laying a rather large egg; it's just that humans choose to do it en masse, it seems to take an entire country to produce only one).

3 Balls above His Head

Oh, you just gotta read what the Rude Pundit has to say today. Oh fuck it's funny.

So, is this court case in line with me being handed a "ten step program to better management" pamphlet that uses Psalms as its basis? Can I make him stop? Not that I would want to. It amuses me when co-workers approach me with management styles rooted in the Bible. Since I prefer to think that the Bible teaches anarchy when it comes to conformity and visulizing material gain. And it helps me to understand who all takes their jobs waaaaaay too seriously. I mean if you have that much need for bestseller metaphysical control over your work environment then you need to step away from the conference table and toward the waterbong.

Oh crap. Maybe you've seen this video. Maybe not, don't care. Chris Bliss juggles to the Beatles. Phenomenal. No other word. 'Simple' three ball tossing, but done to Golden Slumbers and into the finale of Abbey Road. Oh, it's worth it. Did I say fuck yet? Here: it's fucking great.

And one more note on Stephen Colbert: someone else in the blogosphere gets it. (yeah yeah, there's not only one. There's probably like three or four)
Bush thought he was going to la-di-da his way through a Rotary Roast and come out feeling all gushy and popular. What he got was a ke-bab-ing. And about time, too. Calvin Coolidge began this tradition for a reason. The reason was to let the "public" as it were remind us and the President that he is human. That he works a job and gets paid by us and he should never forget that we are his employer...okay, maybe that's not why this all started, but it shoulda been. people in power tend to forget what it might have been like before the Power. Bush never had to. Born into privilege, he has always walked above. On this night, he was brought back to Earth with more force and swiftness than Icharus melting in the Sun. Good on ya, Stepho.

In case you weren't yet convinced that Karl Rove may be somewhat out of toouch with those of us who face the mortgage wrath or the I'll-rent-'til-I-die regime, here's your opportunity.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Colbert Gettin' Jiggy On Bush's Tush

Yeah! Fucking right fucking on! Bush doesn't like the cream pie facial? Too fucking bad! Did he think it would be twinkletoes like at the frat house? Is he that fucking arrogant? Did he assume that all speakers would be vetted (read that as censored) for content embarrassing to his Highness? Good on Stephen. Smackdown on the Royal Bitch. Bitchslap on Mr. "Oops, no WMD's under my desk". Intelligent skewering of Herr "We hit the trifecta". WWF bodyslam on Senor "Mission Accomplished".

Skewering comedy skit angers Bush and aides
By Paul Bedard
Posted 5/1/06

Comedy Central star Stephen Colbert's biting routine at the White House Correspondents Association dinner won a rare silent protest from Bush aides and supporters Saturday when several independently left before he finished.
"Colbert crossed the line," said one top Bush aide, who rushed out of the hotel as soon as Colbert finished. Another said that the president was visibly angered by the sharp lines that kept coming.
"I've been there before, and I can see that he is [angry]," said a former top aide. "He's got that look that he's ready to blow."
Colbert's routine was similar to what he does on his show, the Colbert Report, but much longer on the topic of Bush, suggesting that the president is out of touch with reality. Aides and reporters, however, said that it did not overshadow Bush's own funny routine, which featured an impersonator who told the audience what Bush was thinking when he spoke dull speech lines.
In fact, some aides crowed over reports that the president easily bested Colbert in the reviews of both comedy acts.

Heh. Bush bested Colbert? That's like saying Jessica Simpson has talent or Paris Hilton should be nominated for an Emmy. Or Tom Cruise isn't a nutcake. The only outer limits argument these guys could use in their defense is that the audience felt compelled (drinks were spiked?) to obligatorially laugh for Bush and didn't want to be seen guffawing at Colbert's truly funny, intelligent, ingenious zinging. oh well. let's see if I can find the second half of Colbert's routine for ya.
Part One.
Part Two.
Part Three.
This is from a different source than before (thanks to Atrios for this) and should cover the whole evening.
Jon Stewart weighed in with his critique of Colbert's performance.
The Huffington Post has the full transcript (plus, pissed off liberal critique). Be warned that the transcript is typed by someone who was a bit tired and coming down from their caffeine high.

Moving on, you know it's getting out of hand when even the Cato Institute begins criticising the Bush administration. The Press likes to call Cato libertarian, but it is much more conservative than that. If they're feeling nervous, then Bush and his handlers are truly losing control of their party. And, if you're like me, that's a very very very good thing. Neither party should ever lie down and let an idiot extremist steamroll or dutch-oven it.

Screw Amsterdam.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Just Say No To Bad Porn

Just for you Zonthar: Stephen Colbert, Part II. (And, no, I was joking about the cutoff of the first part. I just thought it was funny that it was right at the Joe Wilson point and I couldn't find the second half of the tape at that point). By the way, I'd like to thank Steph for pointing out that the last Stephen Colbert segment came from some sort of crappy porn site and I promise you that I will endeavor in the future to bring you better porn site links if I possible can. I did not do proper research before linking and I am ashamed. Normally, I visit a porn site exhaustively again and again and again before recommending anything from it. This will not happen again. And again and again and again.

Was Valerie Plame, I mean Joe Wilson's wife (whew!), part of our clandestine spying on Iran and its attempts to obtain materials with which to make nuclear bombs? MSNBC claims to have spoken with unidentified intelligence officials who say it's so joe and that her outing has damaged our government's ability to moniter Iran and what it's up to. Go here and click on the video feed.

Well, ain't we having fun?

I could go on, but it's time for dinner and a nap. I'm getting old, you know.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Wizard's First Rule

Wizard's First Rule: people are stupid.
Bush is evidently claiming he doesn't have to enforce or follow any law he deems to be an encroachment on his interpretation of his Constitutional authority. Remember when he and his cronies began screaming during the Terri Schiavo case that the Supreme Court was interpreting the Constitution and it should be adhering to the words therein? Remember? Judicial activism and all of that nonsense? The Constitution is not an ever-evolving document of Important Thoughts and Beliefs to guide our young country by, but a strict set of laws? No? Yes? Cool with this ? No? Yes?
The Constitution clearly states that all Men are created equal. Nothing about women. And the number of slaves a Man owned determined how many votes he was allowed to cast. Back then, the Founding Fathers just didn't trust us nobodies who had no mega-income to cast a vote wisely. Therefore, only landowners with slaves were given the chance to engage in the Electoral process. A Man with a horse, plowshare and some rocky ground was looked at with disdain when it came to understanding this Important Voyage we as a Nation had embarked on.
It pretty much smells the same today. Those with ginormous amounts of cash buy influence, thereby buying votes, thereby ignoring what the common Man might think. And a woman as president? Unthinkable until Hillary rammed her First Lady decorum down the throats of every chauvinistic politician pig. Yet, still the Men scoff at her and anyone who dresses like her.
As for what makes a Man, when the Constitution was written there was only one color of Man. White. Tomorrow, many of our Not-Quite-A-Man bretheren will not be showing up to work as a protest against how they are treated based on the color of their skin. Bush has said "I don't like boycotts" when asked his feelings concerning this "national holiday" for non-Whites. (Of course, when tens of millions of people around the globe were protesting the impending invasion of Iraq, he called us "focus groups".)
Is tomorrow a boycott? Yes? No? Is it civil disobedience? Yes? No? Is it a very large group of people cutting off their noses to spite their faces? Yes? No? Many Anglo-owned large companies (hotel chains specifically) are demanding that these people ask for the day off beforehand. Should these people be forced to ask for and wait to be granted a day off in order to celebrate International Workers' Day? No? Yes?
We have a problem with immigration now in our country. Foreigners still want in at the same rate as always, but we no longer trust them. Our xenophobia is back with a vengeance. We Whites are scared of anyone who doesn't look exactly like us. We can tell the difference between an Arab and a Mexican and a Malaysian, but we no longer trust any of them based merely on the fact that their skins are more similar to each others than to ours.
So, basically what? This Democratic notion that we Whites think we invented and patented has progressed very well in many areas. Too well, I guess. The plaque on the Statue of Liberty needs to come down. We no longer accept the tired and oppressed and hungry unless they can prove they will be raped and murdered back home. Sometimes, not even then. The exception to this would be any foreigner of royal, noble, wealthy or influential descent. Those people are always welcome, because they will buttress the top 5% of our income level and will most likely vote with the Establishment.
Remember the Wizard's First Rule: people are stupid. We can't allow poor people into our country, because they might vote for those politicians who side with the needy. And those politicians are the ones who are working to bring this mighty giant to its knees and revert it to secondary global status. Poor people vote for equal rights, expanded medicare, universal healthcare, living wages, workers' rights, HUD funding, contraceptive access, unemployment and welfare rights, ad nauseum. They are stupid and we can't allow them to control our God-given right to preeminence over all. This idea of a melting pot was obviously a bad one. Our Puritan identity is dissolving and becoming a bastard mulatto of a child.
And Bush is the one at the top pushing to decide what laws he should obey and what he should not. Based on what will keep his kind in power no matter the cost to the rest of us who make this nation run as it has so well for 300 years. All of the obstacles we've encountered, either through hate or ignorance, we've managed to overcome and move forward. But Bush (at the behest of those who control him) is making a strong run for autocracy. And this run will continue to punish all of us. So long as we let it happen. When it comes down to it, skin color really doesn't play. That cloud of smoke is just...a cloud of smoke. He and his will crush and alienate any who stand in its way of claiming total power at the expense of most who got it there. And the demise of those who didn't.
Is genocide tantamount to terrorism? No? Yes? Is it worse? No? Yes? Because I think that we are witnessing the birth of a new form of it here in America. This time, though, it's not merely racial. It's also political. And theological. In a sense, the Trifecta.

addendum: you can go here for most of Stephen Colbert's White House Press Correspondents' Dinner speech, but it shuts down right when he is announcing that Joe Wilson and wife are in the audience. Which I found to be verrrrrrry interestink. As for the speech, it's fun to listen in and find out what the attendees would laugh at and what they would not. By the middle of the speech Bush was looking decidedly not too cool about the whole idea. I have to wonder if the Bush folk truly thought that Colbert is a Right Winger based on his show persona. Well, now they know.