Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I Like Em Scrambled

It's very simple. We need to bomb China and India back into the Stone Age. If they have no roads and cars to drive on them, then we get our oil back. Pushing on Iran isn't the answer, obviously. We push, they get pissed off and turn the handle down on the oil spigot. We bomb them and we lose their oil supply. China and India make deals behind our backs with African nations and whonot and we sit by pretending not to notice. No. Nuke those two and gas prices fall back to 75 cents a gallon, in part because there's more oil to go around and because everyone else is so frigging scared we might radioactivate their testicles as well. I love it. Nuke, nuke, nuke. In the end, we will own all. And the cockroaches will have mutated enough that we can name them and (hopefully) housebreak them. Of course, the platypus will look on and mutter things about our genitalia and how, if evolution favors humans, it didn't give them the ability to lay eggs in the first place (but I will answer by pointing out that electing Bush is, in fact, laying a rather large egg; it's just that humans choose to do it en masse, it seems to take an entire country to produce only one).

12 comments:

Mustang said...

It worked in Japan, it'll work in Iran..Nuke 'Em til they Glow!!!

Zonthar said...

This platypus only mutters about YOUR genitalia.

lecram sinun said...

Gawd! I just envisioned a platypus giving head! Talk about sick and wrong.

jade ed girl said...

Eeewww!!! It'sstuckinmyhead!!badmentalpicture!! Nowthinkingofplatypusonsquirrelactiongetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyhead!!

Mustang said...

Its this sort of sordid sex-talk that leads to platypus-on-platypus crime. I mean really...this is exactly the sort of thing that led to the platypus. Some randy otter had his jolly way with a rather sexed-up duck, and Viola..the platypus!

What next? The Platysquirrel? Or perhaps you prefer the Squirrypus?

Stop it! NOW!

M

Zonthar said...

Hey, once you've had Squirrypus, you never go back....

And BTW, platypi don't give head, we give deep bill.

Or we take Visa if you prefer.

Anonymous said...

IRAN:
The first effect of a nuclear explosion in the air is an intense flash of light, as quick as a lightning flash but a thousand times as bright. It is accompanied by a powerful pulse of heat radiation, sufficient to set fire to light combustible material out to a distance of fourteen km., and to paint or wood at half that distance. There is also an intense pulse of X-rays, sufficient to be lethal at a distance of three km.; in fact that would be a rather small factor, since people that close would all or nearly all be killed by the blast that follows. Immediately after the flash, a "fireball" forms in the air and rises for several seconds, blindingly bright and radiating much heat. On a clear day or night, people up to eighty km. away who happened to be facing that way, or who turned their eyes to look where the flash came from, would be temporarily or permanently blinded. Within ten km. of "ground zero" (which is the point directly under the explosion) all parts of the body exposed to the flash would be burned deeply into the flesh. Superficial burns would be caused at greater distances, out to fifteen km. at least. Clothing that caught fire would cause many more burns. The weather conditions prevailing, and the time of day the bomb exploded, would both influence the degrees of damage. For example, the radii for skin burns and blindness would depend on the weather. Mist or fog reduces the range of the heat and light rays; on the other hand, darkness dilates the pupils of the eyes increasing the probability of severe eye damage from the flash.
Starting at the same instant, but travelling more slowly (like the sound of thunder following a lightning flash) is an enormously powerful blast wave. It would destroy even reinforced concrete buildings for a radius of two km., and ordinary brick or timber frame houses out to eight km. Major damage to houses would extend out to fourteen km., and windows would be broken at twenty or thirty km. People at a distance, if they realized what had happened when they saw the flash, would have a few seconds to lie down, or even to dive into a ditch or hollow, before the blast hit. Within three km., almost everyone would be killed, either directly by the blast or by collapsing or flying masonry. At eight km., it is estimated that about fifty per cent of people would be killed by the effects of the blast. Immediately following the blast wave would be hurricane force winds, first outwards from the explosion, and many seconds later inwards to replace the air that went out. Within four km., the wind would be of tornado force, six hundred km./hr., sufficient to drive straws into wooden utility poles or glass splinters into people, but of course over a much wider area than a tornado. People in the open would be picked up and hurled into any object strong enough to be still standing.
Many fires would have been started by the first flash. Burst fuel tanks, gas mains, and collapsed buildings would provide more fuel, and it is likely that confluent fires would cause a "firestorm". This is when coalescent fires cause sufficient updraft to form their own wind, blowing inwards from all sides and thereby increasing the intensity of the fire. The temperature even in basements and bomb shelters rises above lethal levels, and all available oxygen is used by the fire. The wind blowing inwards is of gale force, so that even strong uninjured people would have difficulty walking or trying to run outwards away from the fire.
A nuclear explosion, as well as giving off a great pulse of radiation at the time, leaves everything in the vicinity radioactive. In the case of an "air-burst" as just described, most of the radioactive products would be gaseous, or completely vaporized, and would rise with the fireball and come down slowly, if at all. There might be a rainstorm containing radioactivity, as there was at Hiroshima; and the rubble within a kilometre or two of the ground zero would be radioactive. This might hamper later rescue efforts, and affect the very few survivors from that central area, but would not be a major factor. In any nuclear bomb explosion, a large fraction (a minimum of one-third) of the original fissile material (plutonium or U-235) does not get destroyed. This would result in widespread contamination, increasing the late risk of cancer for those who survived ten to twenty years. (These amounts of plutonium and uranium would have no immediate toxic effects.)
If the bomb exploded squarely over the centre of a city, no rescue services within the area of major structural damage would be able to function. All down-town hospitals would be destroyed, and there would be no electricity, water, or telephone communication in the area served by city utilities. Rescue services from outside would be hampered by impassable roads and the central area of severe damage would be inaccessible. The number of injured in the peripheral area would be so great that emergency services of surrounding cities would be completely overloaded, as would be any surviving suburban hospitals and all the hospitals of neighbouring cities. Even to be seen by a doctor and given analgesics, the injured from one city would need to be distributed among all the hospitals of Iran. The destroyed city would be radioactive. Decisions to attempt rescue work would depend first on a survey of the area by a specialist team with appropriate protection, and then on a policy decision as to how much radiation the rescue teams should be permitted. Willingness of the team members and their unions to accept the risk would be the final factor.

Zonthar said...

Hey SSM, I think Anonymous here doesn't actually read your blog.

airplanejayne said...

shhh Zonthar --

we like to let him think that people read his blog...

even if they are anonymous --

hey! anonymous -- platypus -- sound like they could be related....


hmmmm...

airplanejayne said...

how come there's a hanicapped fella next to the word verification!?!?!?

scarysquirrelman said...

oh children. really now. can't we all just get along? just because Anony delusionally thinks i'm here to engage in real discussion and trade of information doesn't mean he doesn't make a valid point. i mean, he doesn't, but it's not nice to point these things out in public. hell, i don't even read my blog. or any of yours if they don't have pictures. speaking of which, isn't it about time for another celebrity boobie shot?
oh, and APJ: the picture of the handicapped bloke is the logo for my new fundraiser:
Give A Man A Hand And He'll Work For A day. Teach That Man To Clap And He'll..." from my new "That Being Said" Ministries. If anyone can finish the name of the logo for me i'd be very appreciative.

airplanejayne said...

give himself a hand.....