Friday, January 20, 2006

Hot Off The Press

"Cheney said the tape showed that al-Qaida has been hobbled, because "they didn't have the ability to do anything on video" and because it had been so long since bin Laden had been heard from."
Hey. Good news. We have al-quaeda on the run. They can't even afford a video camera. In comments not approved for dissemination, Cheney added that he expects the next message to be delivered on an Etch-A-Sketch. After that, stone tablet and chisel. But by the November election, he hopes to announce a huge terrorist attack imminent and of biblical (King James revised) proportions. Cheney's spokesman stressed that the attack announcement would be theoretical and "most likely only used in the event of looming Democratic gains in the Senate or House of Representatives during the run-up to the next election cycle".
At today's White House press briefing, Scott McClellan reiterated that the coincidence of the tape of bin Laden appearing around the same time as that of the increasing Republican scandal surrounding Jack Abramoff's conviction and subsequent "squealing" to prosecuters about who he paid off for favors, while highly unlikely, was merely an unfortunate "'cervix of combostuble events'. His words exactly. The President would in no way want to appear as having had a hand in distracting the hard-working media and the common citizenry from non-events not happening within the White House or with its Brown...yes, David? What would you like to insinuate today?".
The Democrats were quick to respond. Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada) proposed a committee to investigate steroid abuse by the Mafia, while Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York) called for an investigation into a possible candidacy for the 2008 presidential nomination citing bin Laden's offer to cease hostilities as a sign that "most terrorists are likely to vote Democratic in the next election cycle" thereby ensuring an uptick of at least .00182% in voter registration. Howard Dean could not be reached for comment. The Republican National Committee, however, downplayed Clinton's comments stating that in the 2004 election almost all known domestic and foreign terrorists voted Republican and that the RNC didn't see that changing so long as President Bush remained commited to the "war on terror". Said one RNC analyst, asking for anonymity, "Until we as a nation soften in our stance against terror the Republican Party can expect continued support from all of those miscreants who would bring down our noble effort". Clarification could not be obtained at press time as to what "noble effort" meant.
What does this mean to the average person on the street? We didn't know, so we asked one. Juble Jenkinsoninfromtonshire, age "41" and living in the Northwest, wasn't sure what all of the fuss was about.
Said Jenkinsoninfromtonshire, "Being average, I can only hypothesize. Perhaps this confluence of irregular confabulations will set off tintinabulations within the auracles of the hoi-polloi. Now get off my cardboard bed and away from my heating grate. This is MY turf until the DOW tops 12,000."
Efforts to reach Jenkinsoninfromtonshire for a follow-up interview were fruitless as, according to his PR firm, he was out of cell phone reach on an aluminum recycling pilgrimage.


thereminman said...

funny and insightful stuff as usual.

scarysquirrelman said...

T-Man: call me again. i wanna talk at ya (like about those pogues albums you're taping for me...hint, hint).