Thursday, July 13, 2006

Sanctity of the Hoo Hoo

"Straight" from The White House:

(for the boys)

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To stay massively cool by not having sex. Because only major losers have sex – which everyone knows is only for fags.
2. To never let any slutty girls peer pressure me into touching their vaginas – because vaginas are totally gay.
3. To ignore my raging hormones and burning drive to fondle, suckle, and thrust furiously into a hot gooey pit of creamy-soft fleshy ecstasy.
4. To keep my groinal giblets inside my GAP khakis, and to punch those sweaty bits into submission whenever they percolate with desire.
5. To never spill my sacred "dude milk" – unless it is inside of some hot babe who already married me and took my last name.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
The regret and guilt caused by the disgusting, squishy act of stupid sex, which is basically like going to the toilet from the front side.
Making retard babies out of wedlock, then having to blow my whole allowance on diapers and a stroller instead of XBox games and Snickers.
Catching a brain-rotting STD like "Finger Herpes" from "feeling up" any nasty dirty girlie holes.

(for the girls)

I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it's just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I'm a major tramp who's just asking for it.
3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina's freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.
5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn't want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
Super-expensive dry cleaning bills for getting crusty sex goop off all my good silk and cashmere stuff.
Forcing my wonderful parents to use "tough love" and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.
Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko "love."


so, as i was saying a couple of posts ago, i am currently undergoing a spate of very, very vivid dreams since my sleep is barely under the wire in terms of depth. last night was no exception. i won't bore you with the whole dream, but i wanted to share one part. see, my dreams right now are extremely linear and coherent. even the jumps have segues. i am having complete conversations with people and the action and plots make sense. anyway...a certain woman (and no one read into any of this, please) was trying to get me to stop seeing a certain other woman by claiming she was just using me. i wouldn't listen to her, so she hired the help of two certain gentlemen i know to arrange a meeting between the four of us wherein the two gentlemen would steer the conversation in such a direction that the certain other woman's, uh, usary, would be forced into the open. after many attempts they finally succeeded and i looked at the first woman with dawning recognition in my eyes. she noticed, smiled, and said "wow. high resolution results from low wattage morons". i just wanted to share that line, because i woke up and laughed my ass off. kept thinking about it at work, too, and giggling, which drew more than a couple of concerned stares.

good times.


Katie :) said...


dreams are an interesting deal.

As far as the "hoo hoo" deal- GOOD LORD MAN

scarysquirrelman said...

what is it about disclaimers and nobody reading them?!?

airplanejayne said...

I am so pissed off that you printed a copy of my contract!! I thought that was private!!! Pervert!!

except I don't call it a "hoo-hoo" -- too many owl jokes. We now call it a cookie. Don't ask. Suffice to say that there are just better cookie jokes than owl jokes.

and yes, I blew ice tea out my nose (thanks) on "high resolution..."

does that mean that dim stars are the brightest!?!?!? This will have to be proven on the next telescope night.

scarysquirrelman said...

if mustang doesn't want to buy mine you may be able to ( telescope i mean).

Mustang said...

I will most likely buy whatever SSM sells, or at least rent it for a while...


Katie :) said...

disclaimer my ass.
and you, Sir can BITE me :)

lecram sinun said...

vivid, linaer, coherent dreams from you... it's the final sign of the apocalypse. next stop... the rapture!

airplanejayne said...

....I always knew there was something between you and Mustang....

but wait!!! I drive a Mustang.....

scarysquirrelman said...

katie: thank you. i think i just might.
mustang: we're still talking about the scope, right?
lecram: start practicing your jumping up and down.
APJ: daily, you sit in the lap of a mustang and touch its knobs and still you complain!?!

airplanejayne said...

not complaining.....just telling it like it is.....

heh-heh, you said knobs....

Anonymous said...

Your site is on top of my favourites - Great work I like it.

Anonymous said...

Great site loved it alot, will come back and visit again.