yes, you read right. it's a contest to see who can find me a cool Tower District house to live in. notice i didn't say apartment. i said house. under $700. with a backyard. one bedroom, one bath, preferably with a washer and dryer. a duplex will work so long as the neighbors are old, infirm, deaf, or otherwise noise impaired.
what's the prize for winning? well, let's see. besides the gratification of knowing you helped one of the 'No's most famous and beloved drunks to return and regale you all with stories of debauchery and "there, but for the grace of God..." moments, dirty poetry at open mic, useless suggestions about the arts, slurring rambling diatribes on the state of anything i didn't invest in, snide comments about all of you, the experience of watching my clean my earwax with my pinky finger, masturbation anecdotes, unanswered phone calls and unreturned phone messages, bemused expressions hiding my real feelings, unnecessary and ill-timed odors, well...
First Place: Buy Me Dinner
Second Place: Drink With Me
Third Place: Buy Me Dinner, Drink With Me, Watch Me Get Slapped By Shookie, And Have Me Agree To Act Badly In A Play Written By You Or Directed By You Or Watched By You
Fourth Place: A Knock On The Nose, Because You So Very Much Didn't Try At All And Therefor Suck Wind That Convicted Ax Murderers Could Be Breathing
Wow. that is some serious bootiage. if it wasn't for the obvious legal restrictions on relatives of those putting on this contest i'd enter myself.
heh. i said "enter myself". there's a neat trick. and i am kind of at loose ends this evening. what the fuck. what's the worst that could happen? a pulled muscle or something?