Friday, March 31, 2006

Help Find Me A Home Contest

yes, you read right. it's a contest to see who can find me a cool Tower District house to live in. notice i didn't say apartment. i said house. under $700. with a backyard. one bedroom, one bath, preferably with a washer and dryer. a duplex will work so long as the neighbors are old, infirm, deaf, or otherwise noise impaired.
what's the prize for winning? well, let's see. besides the gratification of knowing you helped one of the 'No's most famous and beloved drunks to return and regale you all with stories of debauchery and "there, but for the grace of God..." moments, dirty poetry at open mic, useless suggestions about the arts, slurring rambling diatribes on the state of anything i didn't invest in, snide comments about all of you, the experience of watching my clean my earwax with my pinky finger, masturbation anecdotes, unanswered phone calls and unreturned phone messages, bemused expressions hiding my real feelings, unnecessary and ill-timed odors, well...
First Place: Buy Me Dinner
Second Place: Drink With Me
Third Place: Buy Me Dinner, Drink With Me, Watch Me Get Slapped By Shookie, And Have Me Agree To Act Badly In A Play Written By You Or Directed By You Or Watched By You
Fourth Place: A Knock On The Nose, Because You So Very Much Didn't Try At All And Therefor Suck Wind That Convicted Ax Murderers Could Be Breathing

Wow. that is some serious bootiage. if it wasn't for the obvious legal restrictions on relatives of those putting on this contest i'd enter myself.
heh. i said "enter myself". there's a neat trick. and i am kind of at loose ends this evening. what the fuck. what's the worst that could happen? a pulled muscle or something?

9 comments:

lecram sinun said...

just move to the north-side.

scarysquirrelman said...

well, the contest isn't over yet, but i think i can safely box you with the "give your oxygen to the pedophiles" group. no soup for you!

Mustang said...

Will you be able to tolerate the elder Peruvian maid, and the slightly off-putting Maldovian pool boy?

M

scarysquirrelman said...

um...no. unless one of them makes a mean mai-tai. and by "elder peruvian" you really mean "young french".

thereminman said...

with all your personal qualifications that you listed
....exactly why did we want to have you move BACK???

airplanejayne said...

hmmmmm....sorry. I went to the store when you entered yourself.

:)

jade ed girl said...

Quit yer bitchin' and COME HOME!

scarysquirrelman said...

t-man: you want me back to serve as a warning to your children. hat is my purpose in life.

airplanejayne said...

what does that mean?
"hat is my purpose in life?"

is that some new-age crap? you gotta wear a hat? huh?