Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Lesson Of The Day

an interesting event this afternoon. i pulled into my driveway after work and as i got out of my car i heard someone call "hello!". i looked around, but didn't see anyone. so, i locked the car and walked the rest of the way up the driveway (it's quite long). as i got to my front door i heard "hello!" again. i looked around once more and still didn't see anyone. i unlocked my front door, opened it and was about to enter the house when, once more, i heard "hello!". it sounded as if it was coming from the front half of my duplex. i thought to myself, someone is at that front door wondering if anyone was around since the unit is empty and the person wanted to get a look inside. so, i walked over in order to tell this person that the unit was already rented and they should go ahead and fuck off (in a very polite manner since i am nothing if not goddamn polite).
as i sauntered past the side of the unit i heard it again. "hello!". i looked to my right and there was a face peering out from one of the rifle slit windows. an older lady was staring intently at me. i stopped and said (very wittily) "hey". she said " can you help me? i locked myself in the bathroom and i can't get out". after briefly toying with the idea of asking her why she doesn't have one of those emergency police cowbells for idiots with the red button on it, i responded with "um, what seems to be the problem?". her answer was "can you come in and open the door for me?". again, i paused for a mental shakedown: is this one of those penthouse stories i've heard of (but, of course, never read since i buy the magazine for the pictures and wonderbra ads)? will i go in to find that she is naked and holding a sawed-off shotgun right next to the whip and handcuffs? am i on candid camera?
but being the uber-gentleman that i am when damsels are in distress (no matter the age or wrinkliness) i said i would. i proceeded to the front door, which was "conveniently" unlocked and entered the domicile. i scanned the place for surveillence cameras and tripwires and nets hanging from the ceiling and large bags of drugs just begging to be kiped and open mouthed blowup dolls of george bush and hillary clinton. i saw nothing. so i went to the bathroom door. there was no knob on it. and there was a very sweaty and wrinkly woman inside. i looked to the kitchen for a moment and there i saw a lot of cleaning equipment. that's when i knew she had commited a murder and was trying to cleanse the place of the evidence. at that moment i knew i would be okay. no murderer wants to compound one killing with another unless it's a CSI episode. i bent and put my eye back to the knob hole.
"so, what seems to be the problem", i asked.
"i closed the door and it locked on me."
"you don't happen to have the door knob in there with you, do you?"
"no. and i've been in here for two hours."
"well, let's see what i can do for you...is your purse in there with you or is it out here?"
"um, what?"
"just kidding...are you married? anyone going to miss you in 48 hours?"
"um...what?"
"kidding! you look awfully hot in there. maybe you should take off your clothes while i work on this lock."
"what?!?"
"ma'am, i'm kidding. you've been in there a long time and must obviously have been under a lot of stress wondering when someone would happen by to help you. i'm just trying to lighten the load. by the way, my name is lecram and i'm a good friend of the landlord. so, you're a sweater, huh? i'm into that."
after 30 seconds of playing with the recessed lock i freed her. she was drenched in sweat and i believed that she had been in there for some time (and maybe the wrinkliness had more to do with the humidity than with her age). man, that had to suck. and she still had a lot of cleaning to do. she began to fan herself and puff out her tanktop, which gave me the unpleasant opportunity to look down her shirt (which i wouldn't have if i wasn't already trying to not look at her and she walked into my line of view just as she partially and momentarily disrobed and i had just blinked so i was caught unprepared) and i discovered that the wrinkles were not temporary tattoos.
she said thanks, i said welcome. she said thanks again, i said no problem. she said lecram, i said yeah, l-e-c-r-a-m, middle name steph. she said is there anything i can do for you, i said yeah, grab that toilet plunger and call me kowboi.
and then i got the hell out of there. because no good deed goes unpunished in my book.

12 comments:

lecram sinun said...

Hey, I just got a call from an old lady cussing me out for kiping her glass dildos! I told her the only way to get them (aparently there was more than one) back was to take a good dump at my front door. I told her I thought she looked cute in her tanktop earlier in the afternoon. Oh, I also gave her my "private number" and invited her to call anytime.

scarysquirrelman said...

if your private number starts with 233...

lecram sinun said...

The one APJ didn't get...

scarysquirrelman said...

ohhhh, the number i put on your blogro-...never mind. so, chris calls me the superhero, but won't give me a $300 break on the rent. i ask him what a human life is worth to him and he says a couple of top shelf drinks. and he knows i only drink beer. so, guess what? anyone drinking with me the next time i see him might be in for a treat. right aftewr i kick his portagee ass!

Katie :) said...

LMFAO!
You are such a super hero??? Maybe just more of a hero- like the sammich kind....

hmmmmm

Mintzworks said...

Yeah, that's not what *I* heard happened.

Hm, let's see, what's more plausible? That wrinkly old broad went into her bathroom alone knowing there was no doorknob?

Or that post-sex SSM had to think of something QUICK before wrinkle broad offered to walk with him smelling of dirty sanchez to his own apt?

The nice old lady?

Or the lab technician?

The sweet great grandmother of seven?

Or the guy who really DOES know how to use cleaning products to wash up after sex, er, a crime scene?

And Solitaire is now no longer blogging???

I smell an Al Gore conspiracy film in the works!!!!!!

TequilaGirl said...

LMAO! Hehe!

airplanejayne said...

SSM -- I will never accept your number. It's a matter of principal, damn it. (what was it again? 233-....)

jade ed girl said...

Damn...sparkling water came out my nose! The bubbles hurt :)

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