Friday, September 02, 2005

Sandra Bullock Gets ScarySquirrelMan And Spammers Can Keep Their Sorry Loser Asses Off My Blog

because it's my friggin' birthday i am posting this beautiful woman again. why? screw you, i got my reasons. and she makes all of my problems disappear for at least a little while when i gaze upon her visage. she is one of a very, very few number of actresses who actually get it onscreen. she understands "be natural" and "don't try to be what you can't" and "scarysquirrelman loves it when you snort while laughing".
just watched "miss congeniality 2" this morning at 1, because i couldn't sleep. it is good, but not as good as the first. dietrich bader did his best, but he was no michael caine. benjamin bratt is gone and good riddance, because he was on my hit list of men who are not allowed to touch lips with sandra (johnny depp, benicio del toro, john cusack and hugh grant are. in fact, it would give me a major boner to my chin if they did. being as sexually secure as i am in my lifestyle allows me to be candid). william shatner is as good as he ever was, the airport girlie fight was great and sandra bullock is gorgeous.
before that, i watched "the jacket" with adrien brody and keira knightly. a cool, weird, semi-scifi, redemption story. one complaint, though: no boobies. keira is almost as fine looking a woman as i've ever seen (bend it like beckham, pirates of the caribbean, love actually which may be my favorite christmas movie that i can watch any time of year) besides sandra, audry hepburn and audry tattou. but i need to see her babymakers one time before i die without having to resort to crap like "doctor zshivago" (or however that pretentious piece of crap is spelled). booooorrrrring. by the way, "bend it like beckham" is a hell of a good story. while i'm "on it" so is "whale rider", which sounds like porn, but isn't so much.
today, i left work early in order to drink away all of the useless 40 year old brain cells that i will no longer be accessing and watched "sin city". "from dusk til dawn" meets "pulp fiction" meets "kill bill" and throws in about 7 bad b movie flicks from the 50's. all in all, a grand time. two dicks way up. all of the actors did very well. brittany murphy, in particular, was excellent. i'd give it two giant cocks up the pooper, but the only boobies were so fake as to not be attractive. were i 18 it wouldn't matter. tits are tits at that age. but i'm FORTY ONE!!! and i can only appreciate the real thing, baby. actually, the real thing might make me dizzy. it's been a while. my blood pressure is higher than it should be and i don't know what blood loss to all of my joints but one would do to me for more than a minute or so. hookers might call me a dream date, but i prefer "efficient and end-result orientated". looks better on the old resume. plus, no employer will know just what i like to do when i'm on the road for the company. call it team spirit if you will.
anyway, where was i? oh yeah, drinking away old memories no longer needed. so, after i got off work i went to drug fair and bought a half rack of corona. two steps after purchasing and crossing the whoosh doors the cardboard went karrriiiiipppp and the bottles smashed onto the cement. i finally understood the heineken commercial where those bottles break and a guy somewhere else rolls over and tells his babe not to touch him. i watched the twelver leak and wondered if i should demand a replacement. after a few moments of silence for the dead i put it on the asphalt where it would dry out quicker. then i noticed my leg was leaking as well. somehow, a bottle shard had made its way out of the box and jumped up my leg, leaving a trail of cut 8 inches long. very shallow, but still red. the little shard had popped out and up, which is a little weird. i later found a bit of blood on my shorts where the glass landed after doing its shuttle impression. the drug fair folks were nice enough to give me a new twelver and aplogize even as i was telling them it wasn't their fault at all. what a great white trash moment.


lecram sinun said...

happy birthday. callmefor a birthday drink... and I'll promise not to sleepon your porch.

Mustang said...

Happy Birthday Joel...

cya Sunday


Generik said...

Happy goddamned birthday, my friend, and kudos to you for spilling your own blood in the pursuit of having a good ol' drunken time. I respect that sort of dedication.

My birthday wish for you is that you be smothered slowly with Sandra Bullock's thighs wrapped tightly around your head. And if lecram isn't going to sleep on your porch, can I?