Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Funnies

(every now and then a family member sends me something intentionally funny. i'd seen this one before, but it never fails to get a chuckle out of me. thought i'd share it this time.)

"After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a “P”) and the solutions recorded (marked with an ”S”) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident."

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


jade ed girl said...

That is just about the funniest damn thing I've ever read! I need to go wipe the snot off my face and change my pants now!!!
Oh- yeah, and COME HOME NOW!!!

scarysquirrelman said...

there's still the little matter of my lease and the difference of opinion i have with the rental agency. you see, oh hell. i'll just blog about it.

scarysquirrelman said...

the other funny thing is that i've hung with a few maintenance guys and it seems that mary jane is the refreshment of choice at breaktime, which might expalin some of these answers.

airplanejayne said...

okay, we need a joke:

a cat, a mouse, and a midget are sitting in the cockpit.....

please finish it for me. I can't 'cause I'm laughing too hard!

Zonthar said...

I fly too often to find that last tidbit of info about maintenance guys to be entirely amusing.

scarysquirrelman said...

if they weren't stoned, they'd probably be homicidally pissed off. count your blessings.