Saturday, December 31, 2005

New Year's Resolutions

I feel the urge, nay the need, to make some New Year's resolutions. I don't know why. I don't know why. Perhaps, it's because I'm living in a new state and working a new job. Perhaps, it is truly time for new beginnings and an end to old habits. In my life I've always cast off the old when moving, like a worn cloak in need of too many darnings.
Perhaps, too, I am of an age now when one begins to think of death and the fact that I have well and truely passed into the downward arc of my life expectancy. And I look at my accomplishments so far and wonder if I've really done anything worthy of note. I look at my past and wonder how I lived to be this age. I look at my family and friends and wonder what they would have to say as my pall was lowered from shoulders and placed onto the ground awaiting final internment. And I think, "Not enough".
So, with this in mind, I make the following resolutions:
1. From now on I will fire only warning shots from my rifle unless it's being done in self-defense.
2. As of tomorrow I will not drink before noon unless I began the night before.
3. Starting tomorrow, I will show my friends all of the respect I think they are due.
4. From this point on I will no longer leave the blinds open when I masturbate to internet porn.
5. Tonight is the last time I will call George Bush a bitch-ass knob goblin.
6. Tomorrow I will begin calling George Bush many other things.
7. I resolute that next year I will stop obsessing about Sandra Bullock having sex with someone other than me.
8. Be it resolved for 2006 that I will go back to obsessing about Liv Tyler, Uma Thurman, Penelope Cruz, Paz Vega, Samantha Morton, Joan Cusack, Milla Jovovich, Chinese chicks, Audra MacDonald, Bernadette Peters, Laura Dern, and Fay having sex with men other than me.
9. I will never again (from midnight on) say "never again" again. I promise. Never again.
10. I will work to love those around me who love me first.
11. I resolve that I will never resolve to do anything that I am not capable of resolving while sober.
12. I will try to be sober more often.
13. In about an hour and a half I will beginning calling the cat Wetto and that will be that.
george bush is a bitch-ass knob goblin. bitch-ass knob goblin. bitch-ass knob goblin.
sandra, you two-timing bad boy bitch hussy. i coulda made you an anne heche coming to fresno in a drug hazed sort of way.
never again.
UPDATE: (10;26 PM)
Resolutions For 2007:
1. 12 and 13.


lecram sinun said...

Happy New Year, man!

CindyLouWho said...

We never even got to say goodbye. I miss you.

marypoppins/privateeye said...

Hey there!
I heard you moved far far away to a distant land. We hope you are happy and healthy whereever that is. One of my resolutions is to start blogging again. But I'm not feeling it today. Perhaps tomorrow. May your day be merry and bright.
Mary Poppins

Mustang said...

Dear Sir,

Your resolute decision to become more resolute, sober, responsible, caring, and in general more of a less-curmudginly type, is ...did you say Joan Cusack or John Cusack?

And in lieu of the blinds being open, would you consider just turning on the webcam? In fact, perhaps a website where others may watch you masturbate to almost-nude photographs of Sandra Bullock, whilst imagining you not calling George a namby-pamby hamster-loving Texas pony poker?


airplanejayne said...

Happy New Year, SSM!!!


scarysquirrelman said...

happy new year to all of you...dirty little commies.

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