Saturday, April 22, 2006

Pop Quiz: Who's Your Daddy?

Leo Dicaprio was hurt today. Unlike in previous years when he was snubbed for "much deserved" Oscar notice, this incident appears to be physical in nature. Or so they are saying. While the official version from his publicist is that he was injured while running, anonymous reports are surfacing that he has begun having Red Carpet flashbacks and, during these siezures, lashing out at any critic who failed to mention him as a darkhorse for "The Island". Roger Ebert is rumored to have immediately hired a phalanx of bodyguards in the event that Dicaprio's new movie does anything more than make young girls moist. No word yet on whether Dicaprio's new movie "Blood Diamond" is about illegal gem dealing in Africa or an autobiography on his attempts to rectally turn a lump of coal into a diamond.

Kirk Cameron, that former hottie teen movie and tv star, has astounding proof that Darwinism is a crock of gorilla poo poo. Using a banana, no less, to prove his point about its perfect shape for entering the mouth, he debunks every scientist ever born. You gotta watch it. It'll change your life. I know it changed mine. But make sure to fast forward the clip to about the 3:30 mark. Otherwise, you'll be sending someone money as fast as you can write the check. (hat tip to Crooks and Liars for this one).
P.S. I am waiting with bated breath for his next installment using a very friendly python and a traffic cone to prove just exactly how Eve brought about the downfall of the Garden of Eden.

My Name Is Rachel Corrie is being read publicly at an undisclosed location in Canada. This is the play that was censored in New York as being insensitive to Jews in a time of turmoil. it's a simple premise. Young woman goes to Palestine, tries to stand in the way of an Israeli bulldozer intent on destroying a palestinian family's home and is crushed to death by the 'dozer driver. The fact that this reading has to be kept a secret says a lot. Does it matter that the driver claims he couldn't see her? Does it matter that she was wearing a bright safety vest and there were dozens of other protesters present? Does it matter that the Israeli police tried to censor all news interviews with the driver? Or does it just matter that protection of one side outweighs protection of another? Or does it simply not matter at all? By most accounts the play as written is not so interesting. It relies mainly on diaries and notes written by this young lady who, were she not so damn photogenic, might not have even made historical footnote status. But the fact that this reading is being kept so secret and attendance is invite only says something about the extreme polarity which continues to exist between those who support Israel no matter the cost or level of justification and those who support the Palestinians with the same caveats.

So, someone remind me again why our Glorious Leader isn't threatening to invade and fix Nepal? Pro-Democracy protesters, a monarchy, violent crackdowns on demonstrations and marches...oh wait a minute. Isn't Nepal like 40 miles away from China? And its sovereignty is like disputed by China? And that Chinese guy Hu (who?) is actually here in the good ol' US of A on a goodwill tour? And we're like really scared of China's burgeoning influence globally? And the fact that it seems to own more of our country than we do? And it can single-handedly change the global currency from the dollar to the euro? In fact, aren't we so scared that we had a Chinese journalist jailed for speaking out at a Rose Garden press conference just the other day at the same time that Bush was promoting free speech in China? And we had a CNN reporter removed from a photo-op for asking one question?

Coca-Cola is being targeted in India for "hoarding water". More specifically, it is being accused of depleting needed water supplies as it churns out its tasty beverage. Communities living near its bottling factories are increasingly uncomfortable with the fact that water supply levels have been dropping drastically since Coke's factories moved into their neighborhoods. And the drought season is about to hit. Now, we all know that sodas do not slake thirst. After all, their main ingredient is sugar. And sugar dehydrates. As does caffeine. So, Coke's new mantra "Let Them Drink Coke And Shut The Fuck Up" seems to be less than ingenuous. What I do love about this company is that long after cocaine's classification as a Level 1 controlled substance, the company still touts it as part of its masthead. Ah, good times. Like Robitussin when it contained morphine. And actually worked to relieve symptoms of pain. Bring back Laudanum, I say. One question, though. Is Pepsi so much more oriented to the needs of the world than Coke? I hear nothing about Pepsi-Co's involvement in anything nefarious. Is it really just Coke or is Coke simply the most obvious jugular?

Gerald Ford's still alive?!? What the fu--? And he's defending Rumsfeld? And he claims we're "at a time of war"? Cool. The Stumbler's back. Ford did more for pratfalls and Vaudeville comedy than any other president in history. Jack Tripper would never have been given the mighty laughter he got were it not for Ford. Neither would Andy Dick's character in NewsRadio. A president prone to slips, slops, mishaps, missteps and imaginary escalators is a president to be cherished.
Seriously, what the fu--?!? Some people just need to know when to "go gently into that good night". All Ford will do by piping up is bolster the legitimate claims that the Rethuglican party is trotting out every fossil it can find in order to maintain some semblance of smokescreen behind which it can hide while it attempts to reassemble its strike team before the November elections. Starting with Karl Rove gatting back to what he does best: dirty smear campaigns. Looking forward to it, myself.

You, too, can sign a petition to stop the government from okaying research into deploying "killer fungi" as a weapon. Or not.

Katherine Harris, who I happen to have a trading card of, seems to not have the best filtering process when it comes to who she sleeps with. Not that my history shows the best judgement, either. Man, I remember the time I was whacked out on Coke (the other one) and had sex with some barfly in the cab of my truck in between games of pool. It was a tournament, $5 entry and the winner walked away with $200. 5 rounds and I was out in the fourth. My backscratch and spin were were on fire that night, but so was the powder. She was, um, not Sandra Bullock. She was not even Lynn Cheney. And defumigatedly not Ann Coulter. She was, however, drunk and loose. And 20 years older. So, anyway, here we have Katherine Harris accepting insider trader head for something she may or may have not done. I ask you, what's the difference? These K Street traders pay for anything you could ever ask for. Do you think for one moment that the politician is going to take it all and then say no? I call Bovine Bowel Movement on that.

60 Minutes tomorrow night. Check it out. Another former CIA high ranker has his say. And this time it gets nasty.
"They were given the intel that no weapons of mass destruction existed. And they said, we don't care anymore. It's about regime change".
'Nuff for now. I'm on Skype until I fall over. It's 1:34 PM.


airplanejayne said...

sorry it took so long to respond.
I just got back from the store....

I left for the store when you started talking about bananas being the perfect shape.....

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