Jack...Off. Why Wouldn't You Ask For A Do-Over?

i have bad news and good news. the bad news is that the nasty burning sensation in your crotch is hereditary and not related to your habit of dry humping store mannequins. the good news is i just saved a shitload of cash by switching to allstate!
...seriously.
out of boredom the other night, i filled out an online auto insurance quote form. five different outfits emailed me quotes that would be laughable if i was a person into laughing. which i'm not, because i am a curmudgeon (not a title i chose; it was given me by some very...dear...friends). ergo, no laugh at joke.
but the local allstate office called me today. yes, called. at work. and offered me the same coverage i have with geico fo a buttload less plus renter's insurance (which i was supposed to get 4 months ago according to my lease). this group actually believed me when i said that i drive my car less than a thousand miles a year (unless, of course, i drive down to the 'No).
and renter's insurance? $21,000 worth. anyone got a match? no, really. i'd never do something like that on purpose. really. but it does remind me...where DID i put that lit cigarette? what's cool about the renter's is that i don't have to take pictures of every damn thing. so long as i know the make and model of stuff like the tv, telescope, computer, and whatnot it's cool. the only bad is that my baseball card collection falls under the "limited" category. no individual card is covered for more than $250. fortunately, i have only 5 or 6 that exceed that value. but the entire collection is worth only $1500 should catastrophe strike. of course, most people i know would say that catastrophe DID strike when i bought my first pack of cards and pulled out an autograph. what they don't understand is that this is my retirement fund. these things appreciate more than some bonds. buy a pack, pull the right card (which i have a habit of doing) and profit is guaranteed. oh sure, the purist collector would say "no, no. you can't put a price on these". to him/her i say," plplplplplpl!!!". yes i can. and now i have. so, shove off.

but enough about that. let's move on to politics, that animal i so love to dangler shiny objects in front of.
Finding inspiration from God, The Last of the Mohicans and The Lord of Rings, Katherine Harris told hundreds of conservative Christians Saturday that she is "a work in progress."
remember that this is the person who shut down recounting of the ballots in 2000 in florida. she, also, accepted money from jack abramoff ( i swear, how can anyone have a name that starts with jack and ends with off) and won't donate it or give it back. her own staff has asked her to drop out of this race. but when God calls...and i can understand that one. but lord of the rings? what, does she think she's running against trollocs or that dark lord himself? and then there's this little gem:
"...redirected my life to the Lord when I was only in the third grade..."
wow. to be that precocious. to be that enlightened. to be that full of shit.
third grade. no gum balls, paperwad spitting, pulling braids for her. nooooo. walking in the Light Of Jeeee-sus. bowing before the Almighty when every other child in the universe is playing sick on a Monday and counting marbles against the next playground matchup. she is truly unique. and full of shit. how desperate do you have to be to get up in front of an audience and claim rightiousness at the age of 8? does she truly believe the fundies can carry her to victory? then, there's this addendum:
"...blessed to be raised in a godly family..."
i keep hearing this country song at work, because i'm such a nice guy i let my lab bitch play his favorite station. the song starts off by telling us how this poor little girl was being raised without religion. both her parents were godless. and they drank. and they fought. and they were basically junkies with no moral compass. and every time i hear it i want to shoot the radio, because it's so morally self-rightious. if this poor little girl had only had God in her life, then everything else would have worked out. bullshit. and then i read about politicians raising the religion flag. even though they accept money from immoral assholes and won't give it back. even thought they shut down vote recounts when they knew it would screw their chosen one. even though their own backers tell them they suck at what they do. even though they suck up to fringe associates who fill their ears with what they want to hear and they don't stop to wonder if they aren't just giving a free ride to trollocs. but they're "blessed" to be raised in a godly family. by the way, republicans (of which harris is one) have a higher rate of divorce than democrats. coincidence?

and that is my rant for this evening. please stay tuned for your regularly scheduled program of insults should i decide to post another.

by the way, got to watch the new harry potter movie last night. oh yeah. it just keeps getting darker and darker. such a fun series. and hermione got her boobies. that's so cute. and harry is now, like, the shortest guy at the school. neville towers over him. great stuff from brendan gleeson. and michael gambon is doing a heckuva job standing for the late Richard Harris. the other stalwarts (maggie and alan and gary and robbie) just keep on having fun. and a nice touch having hagrid try to grab his girlfriend's ass at the dance.
anyway, we were talking politics or what passes for it nowadays. i think that most people are, by now, scandaled out. what with the spying and torturing and vote rigging and lobbyist payola and record deficit and lying about why we're in Iraq and shooting our friends in the face and stabbing them in the back and outing CIA agents and obstructing justice and flying prisoners to other countries to be tortured and opting India out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty (but not pakistan) and forging documents to bolster the Iraq invasion and completely fucking up hurricane katrina (i'm walking on sunshine, we-ell...) and medicare and social security and gutting the treasury and ignoring global warming and trying to open alaska to oil drilling and defending the NRA and intimating that abortion should be outlawed in toto (why is it that being pro-choice means i want all women to have an abortion each and every, let alone any, time?) and granting faith-based nonprofit groups lots of money while giving almost none to outreach programs that won't adhere to very strict moralist rules and cozying up to the likes of pat robertson, ralph reed, bill o'reilly, rush limbaugh, ann coulter, jesse helms, rick "man on dog" santorum, randy cunningham, jack abramoff (again, jack...off), the Saudis, Dubai. it gets to be too much after a while. we can't keep track of the numbers. clinton had a blowjob. that was easy. carter lusted in his heart and let a bunch of spies, i mean embassy workers, get hijacked in iran. also easy. but isolated. this group has a new scandal just about every day and eventually we throw up our hands and say "fuck it".

you know what else sucks? i used to be able to change the time of my post. now, i can't. it's 7:16 on the left coast. adjust your wrist clocks as needed.