HI!!!

Hi. I'm unemployed, but eager. I left my last employer, because I wanted to move and help take care of my parents who are feeble and demented (not to mention they have halitosis and constantly soil their undegarments). I am happy to take care of them and wipe their buttocks when they whoosh. In fact, my motto is: You whoosh, I floosh.
However, being a wonderful son and selfless giver does not pay well in the coin of the realm (so to speak since shit flows downhill and I am at the bottom). So, I am putting myself on the market to the highest bidder.
What do I bring to the market table? Only this:
I can drink 12 beers without puking;
I can write my name in the snow;
I can shovel shit;
My name is not Ishmael;
I can kill a mockingbird;
I once made red soda fly out a friend's nose without touching him;
I can read an entire book in one day;
In the home library, I like to play with my shelf;
I once hit a foul ball really, really far;
I once got a telephone salesperson to say "I am not looking for Dick" 20 times;
I once got a telephone salesperson to tell me that her company's online service would give me better access to donkey porn than the one I already had;
I eat radishes and Fritos together, because the belches make my wife run in terror;
I've sharted at least 5 times in my adult life;
I envy no penis, but I am a little bit jealous of Oscar Meyer;
I can start a week from tomorrow unless it's a workday.

You know what Fresno has that Spokane doesn't? A helicopter that circles around and around with its spotlight on for no apparent reason.
You know what else Fresno has that Spokane doesn't? Bars within walking distance.
You know what else Fresno has that Spokane doesn't? Streets and sidewalks free of snow.

You know what Spokane has that Fresno doesn't? Blue laws for liquor. And churches on every corner. And five fucking feet of snow!!!