Friday, January 04, 2008

Looking For Backers

Item:
New Parental Control Unit
Use:
Stopping Babies From Crying, Inducing Nap Time
Cost:
Unknown At This Time
Status:
Planning Stage

how many of you have endured the endless crying, mewling, whining and general stubbornness of the average american baby? how many of you have had to stop everything to pick it up, hold it, cradle it, rock it and cater to its every whim?
how many of you have suffered a loss of sex and/or sleep due to a baby's demands on your time?
how many times have you said to yourself:
"if only i had a way to stop my precious baby from crying at inopportune times, like when i'm trying to do the nasty?"
"if only that damn brat would shut up i could study for my GED."
"how, if it won't stop that goddamn bleating, will i ever convince mr. moneybags to have sex with me and accidently knock me up thereby relieving me of all future monetary worries?"
"mom said she'd have her revenge and i guess this is what she meant."
"i need a tv with higher volume."
"AA didn't tell me about this."
"i miss my bar friends."
"dear god, just one fucking night..."
"i'm feeling really pro-choice right now."
"duct tape! where's the fucking duct tape?"
"so, let's try two parts bourbon to one part milk."
"is there a CSI episode that covers this?"
"i have a new-found empathy for britney right now."
"you know, honey, in china they sell the girls to stupid americans."


well, this is your salvation. now is your time. today you can change your life. henceforth, you can be liberated from your chains of childrearing, freed from your baby bondage.
with my simple revolutionary invention you can return to the life you once had and still want.
need an hour to shop or rest or party or sex it up or read or get with mr. lucky and his d cell carnival? want an extended moment of quiet? craving that extra cigarette? needing to slip down to the corner bar for a double irish car bomb?
here it is. here is the golden ticket to your new freedom, to your magic carpet ride out of this craptastic life of slavery at the grasping hands of an infant no smarter than the average house spider clinging precariously to the corner of a hermetically sealed room.
presenting the latest in homecare help, primal child repression, kiddie outburst suppression, we give you:

TAZER TOTS

featuring a low level voltage, this handy homehelper will put you back in the driver's seat when it comes to personal space and private time.

TAZER TOTS

at a low low hit of 1000 volts it will put your little loved one down for a nap for no less than two hours depending on weight. if that's not enough, the TOT has an adjustable volt-o-meter ranging from 50-10,000 volts. practice makes perfect and, with this added feature, you can find the ultimate voltage needed to keep your kid quiet.
don't have children yet, but think this is a good item to have? buy it and check it out on your partner. 5,000 volts has been proven in the prison system to induce erection, but not to kill. 2,500 volts right on the money and the little lady can have fun and know that her beautiful offspring are protected and prepared.

TAZER TOTS

the TAZER TOTS will come in a velvet lined case, complete with sterile wipes. measuring at 8" by 1", it's both intimidating and not too large. it comes with a money back guarantee and limited replacement warrantee. use voids all agreements. we will check all returned equipment with UV light.

TAZER TOTS

invest now. get in at the ground level. we expect orders in the millions. this is a surefire item. expect to see this on every "as seen on tv" commercial, QVC, in the Martha Stewart magazine, on Oprah and the Colbert Report. this is groundbreaking, history making.
be the first to to say that you had a hand in shutting up the next generation until they actually had something to say. help bring back civility and respect for one's elders in this century before the pre-pre-teens can utter anything more than "ow-zzzzz....."

TAZER TOTS

do it for the breeders. do it for yourself. do it for the children.
just do it.

2 comments:

Gareth Keenan said...

"It's a deal, it's a steal....It's sale of the fucking century"

I need 12 of them.

Is there any way to get the voltage up to say about 15k??

mintzworks said...

"Now with fortified Benadryl, for that extra D-Cell Carnival time you need!"

This was hilarious.