Sunday, April 15, 2007

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off While Masturbating With One Hand

this, obviously, is a scientific investigation in its infancy, but it just reminds me to say one more time (and this time on my blog): yo, people, drop the cell phone and start living. what's so effing important that it can't wait until you get to work or get home? why do you need to answer the phone in the car or on the bus or in the supermarket or as soon as you get off a plane or at a sporting event or on your morning break or when you're visiting someone at their house or...anyfuckingwhere?
of the people i know who have cell phones, how many have a land line as well? um, i think all of them. and how many of those have a message machine or voice mail attached to their land lines? um, yeah, once again: all of them. you will, of course, let me know if i'm wrong.
am i opposed to all cell phones? no. do i think the cell phone is an important invention? yes.
a cell phone on a road trip is a good thing in case of a flat tire or engine breakdown or injury accident. a cell phone is a nice luxury when one is on vacation in a remote or foreign land when something of import (e.g. death of a loved one) occurs. sometimes a cell phone is even financially preferable to a land line, but that is a very rare and shaky premise considering the amount of time most users spend on their cell phones (free minutes notwithstanding).
i spend approximately $31.75 per month to keep my home phone in operation. i don't feel the need for caller i.d. or three way or call waiting. if you call and my phone's busy, call back in a few minutes. if you're a telemarketer, watch out (i evidently have a bad habit of fucking with you when i've been imbibing). if it's important and you're local, drive or walk over.
i remember, as a child, not knowing what a phone sounded like after 6 p.m. that black made-of-graphite bludgeon, which sat somewhere in our kitchen, was something that adults talked on and sometimes made obscene gestures to. it was an important piece of furniture, but it was as foreign as foreign could be. as a child i knew what it did. but i didn't know why. i would be given the receiver on occasion to say hi to a grandparent or someone, but generally it was the possession and responsibility of an adult. and it sits there in my memory as magic as the fourth of july (which, for a couple of you dear readers, would include my firedancing).
rereading the above, i feel i need to give my definition of an adult:
"someone who knows how to use a tool properly". say what you will about the neanderthals. they learned about fire and spears to use in catching and cooking their prey. say what you will about the nazis, so did they. although, the nazis used the equivalent of the cell phone and it wasn't about survival. and it wasn't proper. so, the nazis really shouldn't be included in this definition of the word. let's scratch them out and go back to the neanderthals.
another quite interesting and disturbing phenomenom is the need for IMing while at work. or just checking for new text messages while at work. it's like email without the hassle of having to write real words. I M LOL. INMHO. LMAO. LMFAOWMWOH.
LOL has got to be the most overused acronym by people who want you to understand that they are making a joke. it's the new equivalent of the comedian's rimshot. you know, just in case we didn't get it. most of the time we get it. most of the time we still don't laugh. most of the time we're wondering if they got it when they felt the need to write LOL.
sometimes, it's a self-deprecating move. along the lines of "in case you thought i was serious...". or "no one gets my sense of humor unless it's in person, so i better put this one in or they'll think i'm a big buttfuck of a egotistical prick". or "please don't take it seriously yet that i'm depressed and suicidal".
but i digress. i meant to simply address the need to use cell phones away from working bees. my goodness, if any living being needed a cell phone it would be the bee. they travel from their hives, ride the breezes smelling for scent, get there, gather pollen, fly back to the hive, do a complicated dance to give directions to where they found the pollen, then hit the road again. several times a day.
then there's the giant cat (tiger, leopard, jaguar, puma, etc) that is forced to leave its mark wherever it goes to let the other cats know that this is its territory. it's been doing this since time immemorial with no upgrades. it could use a cell phone. call its rivals. let them know it's in the transvaal 40 until 5 p.m. and to stay the hell away.
elephants (when migrating) would be able to call ahead to traffic control and ask them to make sure the road was devoid of turtles and such that are slow to clear the way.
geese could get weather and windshear updates.
punxsutawney phil could just call it in.
but it is, of course, the humans who are blessed with this privilege. and use it to no effect at all.
so, excuse me when i say the LOL's on us as we waste our intelligence with gellifying our braincells on extravagances like the cell phone so we can get a call from a friend when they see us on national television at a ballgame.

we don't need cell phones. the rest of the animal kingdom might, though.

3 comments:

mintzworks said...

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD)??????? LOL.

As you expected, I am one of those who have a cel phone only.

I do so much of my work on the phone and at all hours, and thank goodness for Cingular rollover minutes.

However, in reality, I'm addicted. If I left my house and drove 20 minutes without my cel, I'd turn around. Seriously.

Hey, I don't drink much, I don't smoke, and I've never tried drugs. I get a few addictions.

airplanejayne said...

....you said a grownup was one who used a tool properly.....

I am LMAO, ROTF, LOL and, because it is me, and it is all about me, I am, of course, WFSTTMDAFMH.....

yeah, go ahead, try to figure the last one out....just try!

poor bees....I wonder if it affects the birds too? Hell, does that mean that the world will soon be celibate!?!?!?

Katie :) said...

LOL
you are a funny man you know that!
I think I'd be a bit unhappy if a bee on a cell phone flew into my hair.....
or what if they ended up pissed off at not being able to connect to another bee on the cell and stings the first thing in it's sight.....