Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Celibate Life

they say that the hardest part of quitting any drug is the first so many hours or days. then it's a matter of putting the psychological behind you.
first, you leech out the chemical you've abused, then you change your lifestyle to move away from the habitual ritual.
why then am i, after only being on a medication for three weeks and now off it for a full week, still having the random regimen of withdrawal symptoms that turns me into an asshole and recluse as i combat the hypertension? i went through this last wednesday and (now again today). grinding jaw, neck and shoulder tension, dark cave searching. i'm damn well not going to take another pill to mitigate this, but fuck if i've ever been through this type of thing before. and the shit was prescribed to me for quitting smoking! i did a bit of weaning before i stopped, but i guess it wasn't enough.
sorry to any of you who have had to deal with this so far.
which leads me to the topic of:
paris hilton. she's giving up sex for a year. a whole year. 365 days (i don't know if she's counting holidays). she's 25 years old and tired of the games, by gum! the naughty videos, the paparazzi, all of it. she gets lady di. she really does. so much so that she is going to go 8,760 hours sans the the baloney pony...525,600 minutes without a muscle in her bustle...31,536,000 seconds not attending a premiere at the Hard Cock Cafe. that seems a long time without a skank shank.
if the average woman lives to be 80 nowadays, this means that paris is declaring herself offlimits to the bloke poke for .08% of her lifetime. laudable, but what does it really mean? she claims that she has only had sex with two men so far and she is 25. according to these numbers, she has been having sex with a different man on an average of 12.5 years so far. at this pace (if she lives to the average age) she will have sex with 6.4 men. and if we equate heighth with a whole number, she will only have to have sex with tom cruise once to take care of the .4.
to put this in perspective, let's say that i am (hypothetically) 41 and i have had sex with (hypothetically) 35 different women. in order for me to remain celibate for an equivalent amount of time based on the number of encounters i've had in my life vs. hers i would need to...
cut my dick off? well, that can't be right. ah, 4.1 years. and i have done this multiple times with no effort. and i can tell you that, after the second year, you don't even notice anymore.
however, i think it is safe to say that she really doesn't need to take a year off from the public eye sexually in order to maintain her (for lack of a better word) virtuessness or virtuosity or...whatever. but she should think about the fact that she has had sex with only two men and one has made a videotape that she knowingly engaged in. that's one out of two, which equals over her standard lifetime to 3.2 naughty videos that she knows of. that i know of.
that she knows of...
so, i take my hat off to paris hilton, but that is all. for now. and i think i speak for all of us when i say that this would make for one hell of a reality show ala The Simple Life. call it The Celibate Life.

edit: redid the math. paris will have to have sex with tom cruise twice to make up for that .4.

13 comments:

Mintzworks said...

Wellbutrin, improperly titrated downward, can cause side effects for 1/2 the life that you took the medication.

That's a direct quote from Dr. Vinnie BoomBotz, who knows a thing or two about drugs.

As for Paris and you....I'm amazed at the lack of pure dripping sarcasm over your remarks. Paris Hilton ONLY having had two lovers is like Apj claiming SHE'S had two lovers...in the last 4 years.

A total joke.

Which you tried, of course, to make, but you have to take into consideration the average Dyerama reader IQ of 17-19 before trying to make statistical sarcasm your stock in trade.

Speaking of Wellbutrin and sex, how did it affect your libido? It can really mess with your junk.

I'm on lexapro. Lucky for Apj, it can often take me a veeerrrryyy long time to be um, satisfied. Which is NOT conducive to 'hm, I only have 10 minutes before I leave, I'll just rub, I mean, SHIT. I need at least 30 minutes for that. Ah, hell...I'll just do the dishes."

I have amazingly clean dishes.

Fricking lexapro.

scarysquirrelman said...

boombotz? vinnie boombotz? that son of a bitch owes me vig on a two-year-old loan. i'll break his fucking kneecaps!
no, what gets me is the lapse between withdrawal days. i'm fine for three days, then i'm in lockjaw and lockdown again. what the fuck???
and you should have not put upper case "had", not "she" for APJ.

Mintzworks said...

yeah, the lockjaw is RIDICULOUS.

It will go away soon, and is tied to dehydration...so when you feel it coming, water and tylenol or your favorite muscle relaxant will get you through.

Saucy Monk said...

i concur - they ought to make The Celibate Life. You think she's as dumb as a tree stump in the simple life? Lets see this paparazzi-happy sex-twinkie battle off the muscleheads now that she's given them extra-incentive: being known as "the one" who broke Paris.

Katie :) said...

I can't comment on the meds and withdrawl part of anything, because I haven't ever been in a situation like that, but I do hope it starts getting better.
As for Paris, I guess I can't comment on that for the same reason as above... LOL
She's looking for publicity, guess she found it......
Good for her?

Mustang said...

Hey,

did you check the buttons on your calculator?

scarysquirrelman said...

oops, mustang's right. the polarity on my calculator reversed and my numbers are indeed off. a year for paris would actually be 17.5 for me. not gonna happen yet.

airplanejayne said...

please do not take your hat off for Hilton.

ALWAYS keep your hat on......

airplanejayne said...

memo to self: never eat off of Mintz's dishes...

memo to mintz and SSM - your preoccupation with my (lack of) sex live is entertaining. Please remember -- there will be Amber Alerts, fireworks and phone calls upon the HAVING/HADING --
choose whichever verb tense floats your boat.

egads -- Mintz is probably doing the dishes again....

scarysquirrelman said...

nope, not too interested, APJ. just noted that mintz had made what appeared to be a grammatical error.

Katie :) said...

You are worried about grammatical errors, and you almost NEVER use capital letters????
;)

airplanejayne said...

squirrel see, squirrel doo...

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work here