sometimes i go out and shoot the camera.

sometimes i stay in, get ripped and shoot the cameraman.

From Nancy Pelosi came this statement either this morning or last night:
“Democrats intend to lead the most honest, the most open and the most ethical Congress in history.”
Those of us who voted Democrat need to make sure she and our Party live up to that or this election will have meant nothing. Actually, worse than nothing. A failure to live out those words will put Democrats and government at large into an even deeper hole than it already is. So, no more hiding perverts, money launderers, liars or thiefs.
Of course, that could mean that Dick Cheney has to step in to break a Senate vote tied at one to one.

while there are still some fallings out from the last post i did that i am not bothering to address (because i no longer give a shit) and i had flirted with the idea of not posting again for a while (because certain among us make it not nearly as much fun as it used to be before the warring was determined to be worth gerrymandering), i have just one thing to say:
does saddam hussein's surprise guilty verdict (i know i was on the edge of my seat) in any way influence the manner in which you will vote this week? i mean, what a whopper. who knew after a 12 month trial financially sponsored almost entirely by our government that saddam would be found guilty in a matter of nanoseconds? and who knew that it would happen right before an american election that decides the fate of a "war president" and his ideology that we are in the "end times"?
do you think that republicans involved in crimes (legal and ethical and moral) at a rate not ever seen before deserve punishment?
do you think that wimpy democrats with no unified message can be trusted to take over both Houses?
does ted haggard represent the entire conservative community when it comes to denying one's own urges in order to maintain political power?
will bill o'reilly lose his job on foxnews if the democrats win the house and senate? will he lose his job anyway if the democrats win either, because the conservatives see him as a divider in a time when they realize that division is a losing proposition even though they totally believe in division if they're in charge?
will the neocons maintain any semblance of credibility given that they were the primary architects of our current foreign and domestic policies?
if there is a swing in majority parties, will the gays and lesbians get any more arrogant (if possible)?
what will happen within the black community if kenneth blackwell loses in ohio and condoleeza rice watches as her administration becomes worse than a lame duck? and obama barack's star continues to rise as a possible 2008 presidential candidate?
just thoughts of mine before these next couple of days unfold.
by the way (and i'm breaking my above promise to not editorialize):
did you ever wonder what the definition of common courtesy was? so did i. it turns out to be whatever the person calling for it deems it to be. common courtesy has no real definition (other than the overarching societal one), because it must always be placed within the context of the situation. at a dinner party, a thrown and shattered glass on the head of another goer could be considered improper...unless the party givers were members of Capital Punishment. so, it seems to me that instructing people on internet hygeine is as useful and educational as the pope leading a seminar on proper penis/vagina insertion with or without a condom.
each of us has a manner in which we approach our use of the internet. and the rest of us have another.
all of which leads me back to my last post...and so i must say "fuck all of this" if no one can keep their egos and angst to themselves. not that i will either, because it's so damn fun to piss people off in any way that i can...and angst sometimes must be put out there for examination by others in order to get a committee's look at an internal problem.
ego, on the other hand, should get in line with porn and slap itself on the sidelines.

i'm tired of other people's problems. there, i said it.
i'm not talking about the life altering tragedies of a family member dying or a job lost at the hand of another or a disabling car crash or any of those things that make one recreate one's life from the ground up.
i'm tired of the pissant relationship problems. i'm sick of the manipulation i see happen every day between supposed friends. i recoil from the unhappiness in everyday life experienced by almost every goddam one of us that is then handed out like a laced halloween candy by those who can't seem to deal with the fact that life is not fair. never was, never will be. "fair" is not a word that exists side by side with "life".
"fair" is how one deals with others despite being unhappy. "fair" is choosing to keep your unhappiness with yourself to yourself.
"fair" is knowing when to reach out to another and ask for a shoulder to cry on and when to compose oneself and accept that life is not fair to anyone.
"fair" is knowing the difference between self-pity and actual pain.
"fair" is being able to tell the difference between real enmity for another's actions or words and self-projection based on a faulty interpretation.
too much lately i've found myself surrounded by petty injuries and swollen egos and i'm sick of it. get over yourselves, people. learn to live with your frailties.
learn to live with your insufficiencies.
learn to live with your imperfections.
or learn how to better yourselves without vilifying others for no better reason than you are unhappy.
take the time to hear what others are saying and stop living to hear yourselves speak.
take the time to think about the problem you face and ask yourself how much you had to do with creating it before blaming others.
stop looking for scapegoats. there seems to be this grand movement underway for the last oh-i-don't-know-how-long of everyone believing that they are perfect and no mistake is ever of their doing. entitlement is not a birthright.
so, stop looking for the bogeyman when life seems to suck. chances are you did most of the building on that structure.
bad things happen all of the time, just as good ones do. some are happenstance, but very few of them turn into full-fledged problems without handfeeding. the human experience is one of myriad opportunities that make no moral judgement. it is left up to us to decide how to proceed. and lately in my 'hood most of us seem to proceeding blindly with no pause to check the effect on others.
so, there it is. i'm tired of other people's problems. and you all seem to have a lot of them. you make me feel very normal and boring, which is a hell of a good thing. but it's bad as well when i can't get out a complete sentence without being overruled, overrun or cut off. it makes me want to turn you off. and that's no way to live.
think before you speak. we humans have an endless capacity for sympathy and compassion, but we have none when we realize it's pity that's being requested. or sides to be taken based on emotional opinion.
and i am done with it.

Fiscal Wake-Up Tour

our current GAO Comptroller is out and about telling the good folk what is on the financial horizon (just in case our politicaanites won't). check it out.

dear SBC fuckheads,
when i told you back at the end of May this year when i was signing up for local phone service that i didn't need your long distance service (because i already HAD long distance service through a calling card) maybe you should have mentioned that you were going to call my service to let them know they should open a new account at my new number for me.
finding out about this 5 months down the line when i receive a collection notice isn't exactly the netflix surprise i tend to want.
also, finding out from MY company that you interpret my denial of your service as a request for someone else's service ain't all that cool either. i never requested anything. you asked me if i wanted your long distance service and i said "no, i'm happy with who i already have". end of discussion. you did not state that you would contact them to instigate new service at my new number. i even told you fuckwads that it was a calling card plan and i didn't want long distance attached to my phone. what about that didn't you understand???
fortunately, MY company (working assets) isn't out to rape the average consumer. it works with me and was able to delete almost all of the collection bill i received (i obviously agreed to pay for the two long distance calls that inexplicably made their way onto that bill from july). and it was as pissed off as i was that they had created a second account in my name based on the info you gave them.
i can only hope that you will instruct your sales reps from HERE ON OUT to inform prospective clients about this process you engage in. i understand creating some form of long distance service for people, but when someone tells you they already have service, maybe you need to stop and consider the ramifications (legally) of going behind their backs without consent.
i hope to hear from you on this matter with the comment that you have stopped this action.

hey, just for kicks, check out Heywood Banks "singing" Yeah Toast over on YouTube.

oh, and i just transferred my blog over to the beta version, which is why all of the thousands of you might now be having difficulty leaving me praise in the comments section. don't worry. i feel the love anyway...and still don't really care. cuz i'm cool. beta cool.

Espresso, Anyone?

note to self:
upon completion of watching documentary about serial killers, an episode of Cold Case and 25 minutes of Evil Dead, do one of two things:
1) drink excessive amounts of coffee so as to ensure a complete lack of sleep before the next working day, or
2) drink copious amounts of alcohol so as to avoid dreaming.

it's not that the dreams were scary. in fact, they were not. but they were very bizarre and disturbing. being stuck in the house of a madman while he kills everyone but me was (while educational) just the wrong place to be. plus, it's not amusing to be bound with packing tape and sent out to give his list of demands (which were never enunciated to me anyway).
then, being visited by a troupe of magicians who used nothing more than a pack of tarot cards to create their tricks and a gun to kill off the "volunteers" was (again while educational) also the wrong place to be.
odd odd odd and it took about 4 hours for the dreams to fragment enough that i could focus on work.
it is, however, always fun to try and figure out what external forces were at work putting together the previous night's dream.

this is the text of the 6th anniversary statement by our president:

President's Statement on Anniversary of USS Cole Attack

Six years ago, on October 12, 2000, al Qaida attacked the USS Cole, a U.S. Navy warship refueling in Aden harbor in Yemen. This terrorist attack killed seventeen sailors and injured many others, leaving the victims' loved ones and our Nation to mourn our collective loss.
On the sixth anniversary of this attack, we pause to remember those brave servicemen and women whose lives were cut short by this act of terrorism and to give thanks to the brave crew whose heroic actions saved their ship and fellow shipmates.
With the men we believe to be the key architects of that attack now in custody, this anniversary should serve to renew America's dedication to bring terrorists to justice and our gratitude to those men and women of the U.S. Government serving abroad who take great risks in protecting America.
Six years ago, our Nation was tested by terrorism. Terrorists continue to be an active threat to our Nation, but we are responding resolutely and forcefully. On this solemn anniversary, we rededicate ourselves to the fight against the enemies of humanity, offer our prayers and condolences to the families of the Cole victims, and offer thanks to the men and women of our Navy who protect our country and promote peace and freedom around the world.

...while this is a nicely written (albeit brief) commemoration and the people who died do indeed deserve some form of public remembrance for the role they played in serving our nation and their untimely deaths, i am left with the questions:
why did president bush decide to give this to them on the 6th anniversary, but not on the 5th, 4th, 3rd, 2nd or, even, 1st? why is it suddenly so important that we remember them 6 years after the fact, but not before? the 6th year is an odd one in which to begin, don't you think? that this year is a year of mid-term elections and, at this time, most pundits and polling groups are predicting serious losses for the republicans in the House and Senate shouldn't play a role in bush's newly-found respect for those who died on the U.S.S. Cole, right?
perhaps, bush has been too busy saving our country from terrorist attacks during the previous years.
perhaps, bush wanted to do something for them in previous years, but the budget was too tight in light of the money being spent on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
perhaps, he was being compassionate and didn't want to bring it up so that bill clinton wouldn't look bad.
perhaps, he just forgot. it happens.
but perhaps, it's one more ruse of his and karl rove's and dick cheney's to keep us scared, to keep us thinking that without him, karl and dick we wouldn't be free right this very second, that if they weren't so hellbent on raising fences and barriers and dropping diplomacy and cooperation we would be living under the veil (as it were).
perhaps, he remembered, because he was told to. because he needs to be out front rallying the voting base. because it may be the only way in which he can be seen as helping his party to retain power even as his approval ratings plummet and more and more soldiers die for they know not what.
perhaps, it's time to vote.

Oh, screw the Fresno Fair. now, THIS is fun stuff. at today's White House press briefing, Tony Snow laid down some thick brown fog...if you get my drift:
“We're making progress,” he replied. “I don't know. How do you define ‘winning’? The fact is, in taking on the war on terror -- let me put it this way, the President has made it obvious, we're going to win. And that means, ultimately, providing an Iraq that is safe, secure, and an ally in the war on terror. And at any given time, as you've seen in previous wars, there are going to be spikes in violence. And it is natural for Americans who have -- really are probably the most empathetic people on the face of the earth, to feel deeply the loss of those who have given their lives in battle.”
(huh? i'm not so sure i'd define the American people as the most empathetic on Earth. maybe spoiled, lazy, entitled and naive, but not so much empathetic past the tip of our collective nose. and empathy is defined by one source as meaning:
"The imaginative projection into another's feelings, a state of total identification with another's situation, condition, and thoughts. The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without explicitly articulating these feelings".
well. thirdly, former president bill clinton was badly maligned by the republican party and all conservatives in general for uttering the words "i feel your pain". does this mean that in the 1990's we weren't empathetic? but now suddenly we are? somehow over the last ten years we have become able to understand what it's like to be bombed daily, to have our families dragged out and executed by those who used to be our neighbors and buy from our stalls? we now know what it's like to live under an occupying military and wonder if we're going to be called a terrorist by someone else in order for them to freed by their captors? somehow, i think not)

Q That's the proposition that the White House put out there, that as they [the Iraqi government] stood up, violence would come down, and we'd stand down.
MR. SNOW: As part of our constant adjustment, let me just add that apparently, the terrorists have also decided not to stand down. They've got to stand down.
(so, the terrorists have to stand down, the Iraqi government has to stand up and then WE can stand down? when did the terrorists get invited to this game of musical chairs? and what's with "constant adjustment"? kind of sounds like "we have no fucking clue what we're doing")
and while the standing up and standing down goes up and...well, up, the newest round of peace talks in Iraq have been cancelled as Sunnis and Shiites continue to massacre one another. heckuva job, georgie.
and now it seems that only 16% of Americans polled think that bush and company weren't lying about what they knew before 9/11 happened. 84% think that they lied or withheld info crucial to the terrorist hijackings. and that's only down 5% from 2002. so, we've been extremely cynical about bush and his for 4 years and still they are in power and every day increasing their hold on it and destroying our rights as citizens.
but, finally, good news from California (where only the fruits and nuts seem to grow in abundance according to most who don't live here): if this source is right, then you and i can request paper ballots when we vote on november 8. click on the link, then the pdf link within the story. hopefully, this plays out. i, for one, am mighty distrustful of electronic voting at the moment.

Fresno Fair

well, the Big Fresno Fair has come to its end yet once again. seems like every year they say it's over and, whatdayaknow, next october here it is again. just like a rolling stones' tour. or that fruitcake that's been sent between my familymates for the last century. hmmm, both are about as old.
and since it was the final day of ye olde faire i decided to accompany katie and do the do as it were.
we started off with a stroll through Kid's Town where the icky sticky reptiles were (gorgeous banded snakes, geckos, chameleons, tortoises and the like) and into which katie was a bit apprehensive about stepping. no worries, though, no one got bit...by a reptile, that is.
then, we marched over to the mammals enclosure where the hairy beasts were. unfortunately, mustang's pen was empty. but we did see the championship judging for pygmy goats, big-balled bulls, bunnies and guinea pigs. and we're talking serious ballage on the bulls. plus, they both had boners. we couldn't ascertain if it was merely an experimental college thing or they were truly sweet on each other

we completed the walkaround, (after visiting the mineral and gem building where i got these shots of mineral rocks under black light)

found beerocks and corn on the cob and prepared ourselves for the main event- horse racing and the losing of money thereon. we were very confident walking in. we'd done all of the homework we felt we needed to and had a good feel for the horses and jockeys (though i wasn't wearing any jockeys) and we immediately began laying down big dollars on the longshots.
as it turned out, sunday was not a day for longshots. until, of course, two races after we left at which time the longshot won and paid off huge. we did have one quick thrill, though, when the 38-1 came out of the last turn with a full length lead. at about that time the jockey (who just happened to be the ancient mariner in need of only a musket to look right at home at a Revolutionary War Old-Timers' Home) evidently decided he needed to make a can-and-string phone call and let all of the other horses pass him so he could hear better. and, yes lecram, once again i didn't wait to see which nag he was riding before placing my bet. personally, i believe he is the stable mucker and only rides the flesh that needs stat padding for a bigger stakes race. or the horse owners are so cheap they won't hire anyone under the age of dirt. or faster than glacial melt. i think the very rotund bugle blower could have beat him. on foot.
so, in my four years of pony betting i have now won a total of ONE time. and that was my very first bet ever. when i had no idea what i was doing. which doesn't seem to have changed. damn fun, though.

there a couple of other pictures, but blogger's not letting me upload them. i'll try again later so you can see the pint sized bronc buster and the deep-fried twinkie i was dared to eat.

hey, kids! wondering why the price of gas is suddenly falling in such a precipitous way? thinking that the new huge "find" of natural gas in the gulf is involved? or the supposed lessening of of the possibility of our attacking Iran or north Korea? think again.
as i believe was the case in 2004, this year it seems that the Saudis are helping out Bush et al in much the same way. remember, also, that when the price of oil was expected to surge all of the major oil companies bought hard in order to stockpile in the event that a much larger war was to begin, which would encompass all of the mid-east. that didn't happen and now they've got this glut of reserve and they're selling it off as fast as they can. so, while one of the leading experts is saying that $1.15 a gallon isn't out of the question, don't be surprised if the price of gas per gallon begins to stabilize after the november elections (depending on who wins...or not).
also, did anyone notice the most recent report on this year's national deficit, which is said to be much smaller than anticipated and the smallest in the last four years? did anyone, also, notice that social security loans are not included this time around? the administration decided that this year borrowed money shouldn't count as part of the deficit. it always had before, but not anymore. so, any monies borrowed from the social security funds is just that-borrowing with the intent to pay it back sometime in the future (no date specified).
and ain't a sex scandal grand? doesn't it help you focus that anger that seemed so spread out in oh so many directions and you couldn't begin to feel strongly one way or the other? and suddenly out steps this guy who was being nasty and bad and repugnant with teenagers and now you can get pissed again and it feels so goddam good, because it doesn't have the word "iraq" in it? or the word "torture"? or "lobbying"? or "terrorist" or "patriot act" or "eavesdropping" or "tax cuts for the rich" or "abramoff" or "Ohio" or "Florida" or "Minuteman" or "enemy combatant" or "collateral damage" or "pat tilman" or "jihad" or "bin laden" or "billoreillyrushlimbaughseanhannityanncoulter"?
no, sex and scandal are great! because it's easy and fun and we feel so morally superior to an actual living, breathing fuckhead. and he's ours. and he's gay. and he's an alcoholic. and he was buggered by a priest. not that i believe the last two. but he's someone we can look on and spit at, because he's in our backyard and he's done stuff we can look down upon.
it's so easy. and it's such a red herring. while he was being "outted" our congress made it legal for bush to continue torturing suspects and to arrest anyone he deems a threat to our country (be they terrorists or little white children) and to determine what exactly constitutes torture by our interrorgators. bush no loonger has to follow the geneva convention rules or any other international treaty we've signed. simple as that, we are a rogue nation which has announced itself as a true empire. we follow only those laws we deem acceptable and will create new laws to negate the older ones we no longer like.
i wonder if Rome saw it coming.

A Tipple or Two at VVV's

Tower Life

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. "President",
I believe that, based on your new Terror Detainee guidelines, I should be arrested for being a terrorist sympathizer. I know people of dusky descent who are not enamored of your pogrom to eliminate any and all who disagree with its provisions. I have stood up with those who protest our so-called "war on terror". I vote Democrat. I sometimes help to feed the hungry and clothe the poor. I support Planned Parenthood. I am active in the artistic scene and back gay and lesbian movements. I work to educate those who support you and your lies by reading and disseminating accurate reports and facts about said lies (which include: the war in Iraq and its insugency; your ignorance of Afghanistan and the resurgence of the Taliban; your disregard for the rest of the world's opinion of what you do at the expense of the rest of the world; your approval of military incursions to Iran; your protection for pedophiles, racists, mysogynists; your work to help big businesses (i.e. Halliburton) reap obscene profits at the expense of middle and lower class Americans).
So, in order to further your agenda for enriching those who need no further enriching and impoverishing those who can stand no more impoverishing, and to keep me and my kind from pursuing the truth about your empirical and hitlerian fantasies, i must ask you to arrest me and put me into an unknown and unseen prison without access to lawyers or information on which you based your decision. Otherwise, I will continue to debase your name and legacy and seek out those who will stand by me in denouncing your "messianic" zealotry.
You say that only history will judge your Presidency, but I say that you are being judged right now and you are being found wanting and in contempt of everything this country has ever stood for.
So, bring your Secret Service to my door. Bring the FBI or the CIA. Search my computer records and my mail and my credit card statements. Question my friends and associates. Make them think that I am a National Security risk. Bring it on, I say. Because, until you have arrested each and every one of us who denounce your "moral superiority" and your so-called "third religious awakening" and your call to another Crusade, you will never truly be a leader of a united country no matter what you say or your minions do. And remember that Hitler only unified his country by killing millions of the unwanted and disagreeing until he had only those who feared him so much that they would not speak out...until he was beaten and then they all wanted to spit on his corpse. You won't be so lucky. You will retire from politics and have to listen for the rest of your life about all of your lunacy and ludicrousness. And I can only hope that you will go to bed each night and remember the number of innocent people who were killed or maimed by your juvenile, kneejerk decisions.
There is a reason State and Religion were required by our Founding Fathers to remain separate. And it is because they knew the two were incompatible. They knew from experience what happens when the two mix. It's a big part of the reason they left Europe. For you to not remember (or disregard) that lesson is enough in and of itself to impeach you.
But I digress. As I said before, you should probably arrest me for being an American Insurgent. I think you are a disgrace to my country and have helped bring shameon it. And I will continue to tell people that and to offer them the facts refuting any and everything you say, because all you do is lie.

Pic Me

oh, just a random assortment of photos i've taken or been sent. all but the first one are of tower folk or taken in the tower.

sun and moon

promised myself i'd put these two photos up. the first is the space station and the space shuttle framed against the sun. notice how the shuttle is pointed up from our viewing aspect and the station may actually be upside down. the second is a color composite of the moon. yes, the moon does have these colors if you own access to a telescope powerful enough and patience beyond the longest shutter stop. i will see neither of these like this in my lifetime without the help of others.

it's nice to know that someone who can will share:

GetYourWarOn

my goodness i've been lazy. about 9 new pages of getyourwaron are available. so sorry. and if you don't know what getyourwaron is i advise starting from the beginning (as in page 1) so you can stop staring at my manly tee shirt in real wonder and start staring at my manly tee shirt, because i have great boobs.

Just a comma...

(on a seriouser note)
today over at kien's music site he plays one of my faves. check it out, spread it around.

Spot The Elephant

(YOU tell me what's wrong with this email i received today)
JOEL,
TigerDirect thanks you for your continued business. We work hard to be an industry leader and continue to bring our previous Ultra customers the best prices around.
Help out your fellow customers by submitting a review of the product you purchased. It is simple and quick, go to http://www.tigerdirect.com/, navigate to your product page, then click on the "Submit Review" link.
For your convenience, I've also included some of our latest tech deals below. Again, I want to personally thank you, Deneke, for being a loyal TigerDirect customer.I look forward to serving you again in the near future.
Regards, Carl Fiorentino President
TigerDirect.com

my friend lecram sent me this link. he thought it might be something i would find interesting. indeed. not only interesting, but riveting, thought provoking and i could could only say a hearty "thank you, brother" afterwards. if you find keith olberman to be the devil or the antichrist or (worse) an appeaser or terrorist sympathizer and you would rather listen to the vile spew of ann coulter or rush limbaugh or bill o'reilly (because you care not for truth and decency and the american right to dissent), then move on to someone else's blog.
if you hate politics and the very thought of thinking outside your protective little bubble of ignorance, then you, too, should walk to the next window.
if you are so deadset against anything president bush has done or not done or stands for or doesn't stand for and can't for one millisecond suspend your hatred for him or those he chose to prop him up for the last almost seven years, then you as well might want to click out and on.
for keith olberman gives a damning and sobering commentary on the state of our ground zero, our nation and our very existence as we advance to the future on the shoulders of those giants who helped create this very country, whose visions we reap the benefits of.
but if you still give a damn about us, about our nation, about our history, present and future, then perhaps you might give this link a listen.
in the end you may still feel as you did before (agreement or no agreement).
in the end, you may curse keith olberman. you may curse me for getting you to listen to him. you may banish my blog and never visit it again. but it would be worth that small price if only to have you listen to what he says and maybe (just maybe) consider that there is a truth here that exists outside what we are told to believe by our government and by the majority of the large media and that there is a man who is not afraid to say it.
however, this post is not about keith olberman. it is, rather, about the words and ideas he expresses in this most poignant and pointed commentary. words and ideas delivered without partisan rancor, without personal attack, without reduction to libel and innuendo. it is emotionally charged, personally felt and judiciously laid out in a professional and reasonable format. but with no quarter given.
click on this, give it a watch and a listen, then keep on living with or without the message he imparts. for this is what it is to be free.

as an addendum, i found this quite lengthy editorial round-up in the washington post, which gives a rundown on what really went on as the republicans wrangled over the new terror torture legislation. and a tidbit about karl rove promising an "october surprise". as we should all know by now, that phrase when uttered by rove means something very unpleasant and most likely untrue in order to scare our populace into voting for his party.
oh, and it's been leaked that our military has been alerted to a deployment in or by october to iran in order to start a blockade of that country.

Twist Me Up And Smoke Me Out

"I am not going to dignify a comment by the Venezuelan president to the president of the United States," Rice told reporters in New York. The main U.S. seat in the assembly hall was empty as Chavez spoke, though the U.S. Ambassador John Bolton told The Associated Press that a "junior note-taker" was present, as is customary "when governments like that speak."

now, correct me if i'm wrong, but is this the tone we as american people want our leaders to take concerning government leaders of other nations who stand opposed to our actions and stances? while i find chavez's rhetoric to be just that (words to whip up the emotions of those already allied with him) i find it hard to accept that our representative would not even be present for the speech. i could understand walking out in protest if the language turned violent or juvenile (as it obviously did). but isn't bolton paid to attend UN meetings? and isn't he in a sense acting just like those our government dismisses out of hand? it doesn't say much for our maturity, diplomacy skills or respect for international bodies to just refuse to show up during the working week. perhaps, tomorrow i'll refuse to go to work, because it's krispy kreme donut day and i only like the ones that come in the pink boxes.
seriously, though, we act as if the UN exists solely to follow our every whim. yes, their headquarters reside on our soil (which i think is a good thing for the general physical safety of the building and its delegates...for the time being), but they do not answer to us, never have and never should. so, why does our administration get away with this type of 10th grade attitude? why aren't we getting so pissed that the national polls show us ready to vote for anyone not an incumbent in order to make our government act more in line with the rest of the world or even our popular thought (which has nothing in common with what our government has been about for the past 5 years)? i don't ask these questions, because i'm naive. i already know the answers. i'm just curious if any of you have thoughts about this that might make me think a bit sideways about the issues.

p.s. and, because katie never saw this video, i'd like to repost its link now and may she have sweet golden slumbers after viewing it (once you're at the link, click on "the big finale").

Quickie Dickie

i was hemming and hawing about putting this link on my site for a while ( read: 10 hours), but i feel i have to. if you have the stomach, click on this and read the article. then click on the video portion that accompanies it. kids for another crusade.

Thanks For Little Things

for the past few months since i've been back in the state and at my old lab i've been noticing that all of my old lab mates (but one) have picked it up interms of work output, professionalism and willingness to learn new things. yes, i said all but one. and we will be calling her "But One".
when i left the state for greener and more lucrative pastures back in december of last year, But One was my heir apparent. i began to hear a bad thing or two about her as i attempted to run my first lab all on my own. stuff like "a bit lazy", "arrogant", "not keeping up with the workload". i paid it no mind until i decided to move back and return to my old lab.
that's when i got an eyefull and earfull from the labmates about what she had done to my old department.
i have to admit i was somewhat dumbfounded at the pigsty it had become, but i was taking over a new department within the lab and wasn't too concerned. not my problem. after a month of watching But One i began to get irritated. not so much at what she had done to destroy the clean, efficient area i had left her, but at the snail's pace at which she worked. and the backlog of pending work she had created. and the half hour conversations she would have with people about how backed up she was. and the disappearing acts. and the swagger. and the absolute unwillingness to work overtime. and the lack of reaction by management to this mess she had made and was getting away with not fixing.
after two months of my being back she gave her two weeks' notice. she had accepted a job with a competitor and even went through their required physical. management panicked, because she held almost enough state certifications (wasn't lazy in that regard) to certify the lab. management talked her into staying, even though when polled we (as the lab) stated that we were fine with her leaving and that it wouldn't affect us. she was given a sizable raise and unspecified incentives. she agreed and didn't leave. it had become a soap opera by that time and the lab in general wasn't too pleased by all of the hoopla. i, in particular, was blown away by how she manipulated the system (whether on purpose or not is a question not for me to answer) for a large raise and other stuff even though she was seen by the lab as a liability.
since then, she has fallen even further behind in her work and not stopped any of her bad and lazy behavior. management has asked repeatedly for me to step in and help her (to the point have suggesting that i work night shifts), but my manager has replied every time that i am not in that department anymore and my work is ever ongoing. for me to step away from my work would result in my department falling behind (my work comes in 365 days a year as opposed to hers, which is off and on).
well. today, not more than 5 weeks after the dust settled on But One's last "i quit" episode, comes news that she has given her two weeks' notice yet again. this time, i think, she will not be argued with. this time, i think, she will be allowed to leave. this time, i think, the core lab folks will get their wish that she be let to ride off into the sunset as quickly as possible so that we might clean up the pile of horse manure she built. so that we might rid ourselves of a noxious presence that poisoned the very air about her with her poor-me atitude, with her apathy toward her responsibilities, with her nonchalance about deadlines and turnaround time. and with the delicate manner in which management handled her by not holding her to the same standards the rest of us were.
i had actually gotten to the point where i refused to help her. she has been in that position longer than i had and was still coming to me with stupid questions that only helped to highlight her laziness. within the last three weeks i began to look at her and say "i don't know" to her queries, because i was sick and tired of her not doing her own research or even thinking out the logic of the question.
and, now, she is leaving again. and this time i think it will stick. and i am thankful for that. because no lab runs well when one person is allowed to get away with not carrying their weight. it builds resentment and resentment creates laziness in others as they see the one get away with floating. our lab has a lot of perks and flexibility, because we produce in a big way. we can take a few longer breaks, catch a couple more quick smokes, stop to chat, take a longer lunch, arrive late or leave early for personal reasons, create our start times based on the need we see. it's a great environment. but it only takes one lazy person in a critical position to take it all away. so, she can and must go.
as for fixing what she created, not a problem. we'll be caught up and on schedule within two months is my guess. hopefully, we save all of the contracts and clients that are currently in jeopardy.
as for lessons learned, probably not. that's a management issue and i think we all know that bad management is the only thing that's not better than no management at all and the only kind of management that most of us will ever see in our lifetimes.
(which would be part of the reason i moved back to this state and gave up my management position. there is a certain mental nerve ganglia that upper management expects you to cut out in order to rule over that which you just belonged to.)
so, long wind and strong wind in order to make the simple statement that i am happy for the little things: like an abcess about to be cut away from the otherwise productive and fun body of a lab.

p.s. aughra's about to "give" birth in the next who knows how many hours (c section). go and let her know she's got support for a difficult journey.

another small pictorial with no editorial. you rascals know who you are, where you were and what i think of you:

Saturday Night the 9th

on this particular night about two of them ago i went to a gig at the starline put on by Ticket To Ride. got there early as usual and set up camp on the wallbench. it was 8:45 and no one was there yet. about 25 people, but no one i knew. i took a walk and wound up in front of the stage. this is what i shot:

very soon after, the friends i was expecting arrived. not all at once. and not at all together. drinking ensued as did tactless jokes:
somewhere (in all of the joviality) the band showed up:
then the drunk brit exposed himself, wet all over the bar and performed the most herculean projectile diarama i have ever seen:
he was subsequently invited up on stage to reprise his cameo with the band:
after that, well...we had us a beatle rave. or a bugrant. whichever y'all wanna call it:
except for stan who never raves or rants. he is an island in the sea of chaos:
however, chaos soon reintervened:
women were talking to men, men were listening, drunks kept being drinked, a camera's flash wasn't on, and liaisons erupted like pimples on a cold sore (have no idea who is in this picture, but, shit, it looks sexy, don't it?):
finally, it got bad. everyone was feeling blurry. but still dancing and carrying on as if it was the end of the world...(which it could be, i suppose...if i hadn't just sent $100 to pat robertson to save the souls of the jews and get him to tell God that i really am wealthy and ready to ascend after the Fresno Fair):
and that's what i remember. i do not remember leaving early, because my blood sugar had dropped precipitously. i do not remember waiting at the checkin at lipari's for 5 minutes and then leaving. nor do i remember going to livingstone's and sitting, ordering and waiting for a chicken salad. i don't remember getting up and asking for the chicken salad to be boxed. i didn't know i wouldn't go back to the club to tell people i had to get home and eat NOW! i do remember someone getting home later and asking me what happened and being okay with it.

i got even by kicking her out of bed in my sleep.

update (9:55 pm): yahtzee is a fun game and was just played to christen my oak table.

i'm pretty sure katie cheated. i don't think you're allowed to roll four 2's and a 4 and call it six of a kind the hard way.

Amazing What Friends Will Send Me

i received the following missive in my email inbox today. normally, this emailer sends "jokes". i just thought i would share it with you, because it made me reflect on the importance of only exalting God so that i might live forever (and i mean that in the corporeal sense based on the following):

NEVER MOCK GOD!
Make a personal reflection about this.
Very interesting, read until the end.It is written in the Bible
(Galatians 6:7): "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Here are some men and women who mocked God:
JOHN LENNON:Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said: "Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about that. I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, Today we are more famous than Him" (1966). Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.

TANCREDO NEVES (President of Brazil):During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency. Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being ma de President, then he died.

CAZUZA (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):During a show in Canecão ( Rio de Janeiro ), whilst smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said: "God, that's for you." He died at the age of 32 of AIDS in a horrible manner.

THE MAN WHO BUILT TITANIC:After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe he said: "Not even God can sink it" The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic.

MARILYN MONROE:She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said: "I don't need your Jesus". A week later, she was found dead in her apartment.

BON SCOTT:The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang: "Don't stop me, I'm going down all the way, down the highway to hell". On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked by his own vomit.

CAMPINAS/SP IN 2005 In Campinas, Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend. The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter - holding her hand, who was already seated in the car: "MY DAUGHTER, GO WITH GOD AND MAY HE PROTECT YOU."She responded: "ONLY IF HE (GOD) TRAVELS IN THE BOOT, CAUSE INSIDE HERE IT'S ALREADY FULL"Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the boot was intact. The police said there was no way the boot could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the boot was a crate of eggs, none were broken.....Boot means trunk.

Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus. Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive. JESUS!!!

P.S: If it was a joke, you could have sent it to everyone. So are you going to have courage to send this?. I have done my part, Jesus said "If you are embarrassed about me, I will also be embarrassed about you before my father."What benefit does it have, if a man gains the whole world but loses his soul? What can man give in exchange of his soul? (Mathew16:26).

Vote For Evans Or The Librul Might Win

DeLay no 'Idol' threat
Former majority leader urges Republicans to vote for 'Dancing' contestant

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Tom DeLay once twisted arms for votes in Congress.
Now the former U.S. House majority leader is rounding up votes for ABC's "Dancing With the Stars."
That's right. DeLay has e-mailed his supporters urging them to vote weekly for contestant Sara Evans, a country singer who sang at the 2004 Republican convention because she "represents good American values."
It wouldn't be DeLay if he didn't find a cultural split among the contestants.
"One of her opponents on the show is ultra-liberal, talk-show host Jerry Springer," DeLay wrote. "We need to send a message to Hollywood and the media that smut has no place on television by supporting good people like Sara Evans."
Will political scientists track Evans success or failure as a harbinger of the mid-term Congressional elections?
Who's next on DeLay's radar: "Survivor" or "American Idol"?
Admit it: You'd watch a smackdown between DeLay and Simon Cowell.

(the above is from the Statesman and I can't vouch for its authenticity, although it sounds exactly like something the "Hammer" would pull...or pound...or hit on...)

some quotes from the news today:
On Tuesday, kicking off the mid-term elections campaign, Bush delivered a speech that cited Bin Laden's screeds, Lenin's What Is To Be Done? and Hitler's Mein Kampf, and promised "complete victory". Rice contributed her own comparison of the "war on terror" to the American civil war. "I'm sure there are people who thought it was a mistake to fight the civil war to its end and to insist that the emancipation of slaves would hold," she said.
But the more delirious the rhetoric, the more hollow the policy. "There is no plan for Iraq," a senior national security official with the highest intelligence clearance and access to the relevant memos told me. "There is no plan."
· Sidney Blumenthal is a former senior adviser to President Clinton

Newsman to Tony Snow (Bush's Press Secretary during a press conference):
"Don't point your finger at me".

Richard C. Woollam, who was transferred to BP's Houston offices in 2005 amid concerns that he intimidated potential whistleblowers, invoked the Fifth Amendment of the Constitution in refusing to answer all questions from a House subcommittee.

Oil services contractor Halliburton Co. said Tuesday it has received a contract worth more than $70 million (€54.6 million) for cementing and related services from the Abu Dhabi Company for Onshore Oil Production.

Bin Laden Got Back

from ABC News.com (that vital so non-partisan bastion of a free press that's also broadcasting the 9/11 docudrama that blames former president clinton for not killing bin laden and thereby causing 9/11 to happen) comes this little not a bombshell bit of news:

Bin Laden Gets a Pass from Pakistan
September 05, 2006 5:41 PM
Brian Ross and Gretchen Peters Report:
Osama bin Laden, America's most wanted man, will not face capture in Pakistan if he agrees to lead a "peaceful life," Pakistani officials tell ABC News.
The surprising announcement comes as Pakistani army officials announced they were pulling their troops out of the North Waziristan region as part of a "peace deal" with the Taliban.
If he is in Pakistan, bin Laden "would not be taken into custody," Major General Shaukat Sultan Khan told ABC News in a telephone interview, "as long as one is being like a peaceful citizen."
Bin Laden is believed to be hiding somewhere in the tribal areas of Pakistan, near the Afghanistan border, but U.S. officials say his precise location is unknown.
In addition to the pullout of Pakistani troops, the "peace agreement" between Pakistan and the Taliban also provides for the Pakistani army to return captured Taliban weapons and prisoners.
"What this means is that the Taliban and al Qaeda leadership have effectively carved out a sanctuary inside Pakistan," said ABC News consultant Richard Clarke, the former White House counter-terrorism director.
The agreement was signed on the same day President Bush said the United States was working with its allies "to deny terrorists the enclaves they seek to establish in ungoverned areas across the world."
The Pakistani Army had gone into Waziristan, under heavy pressure from the United States, but faced a series of humiliating defeats at the hands of the Taliban and al Qaeda fighters.
"They're throwing the towel," said Alexis Debat, who is a Senior Fellow at the Nixon Center and an ABC News consultant. "They're giving al Qaeda and the Taliban a blank check and saying essentially make yourselves at home in the tribal areas," Debat said.

p.s. check this video out (may have to wait through the ad) for the most pissed off cat i have ever seen. i would adopt it in a heartbeat.

The Amazing Levitating Pith Post HNT

Some of you may know about the Almighty Pith and the way in which i loved it up in my last HNT. Some of you may know that it belongs to Lecram. Some of you may know that lately Lecram has been leaving his helmet behind when making a grand exit. none of you, however, know (until now) that I have unlocked its magical powers. I, yes I, have opened its little box of fairy dust and managed to create........The Levitating Pith!
Here in picture #1 you see me caressing its contours in order to coax out its witchy potential:

After a few minutes in which I called on the supernatural powers to help and guide me in my most mysterious and arduous task I was able to release the Pith and let float gently on the wings of my wind:
And, finally, I was able to recline and enjoy the awe of magic well done. Now you might be thinking I used some earthly mechanism to prop the pith aloft. Verily, though, i say to you that this pith touched not my body in any fashion. It is truly magic:
Thus ends this week's HNT. Thus continues the defiling and desacration of Lecram's Pith. Happy HNT, everyone!
P.S. According to a recent HNT post of Katie's I will only get my hat back if I do a full frontal HNT. I believe that this should qualify. What say all of you?

it's funny how when i start thinking of changing companies in search of better financial security my guts get all wiggly. but i sent out the emails with my resume that i needed to. now i only hope it isn't seven months before they even consider me. oh well. my current job isn't so bad as they go. it just doesn't pay very well for the skills i possess. certain among you may be used as references. so let me know now if that isn't a good thing to do. other than that, i got nothing. so i'm outta here.

WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!

did donald "the fuck" rumsfeld just call me an appeaser? because i think this so-called war in iraq is a fuckup of the nth magnitude? because i think that invading iraq was something that was on the table long before 9/11 even happened? because i was yelling about the fact that none of the bush administration's arguments for invasion actually squared with the information coming out of any of the intelligence agencies? because, while i had nothing against going into afghanistan to root out al quaeda (since they were nested there and the taliban had publicly proclaimed its support for the group), i had just a teensy weensy little problemo with taking out saddam hussein under the totally crap guise of destroying his WMDs? which didn't exist in the first place and EVERYBODY in the intelligence community knew it? because i think that donald, dick and george don't care about stopping terrorism so long as it makes them and theirs lots and lots of money? because i'm convinced that george believes he is doing God's will by bringing about some kind of Armageddon in his lifetime? because i believe that adding "by killing people" to everything these "neocons" say makes what they say the truth (got that from jag)? because i believe that $212 million and more could be better spent securing our country than it could bombing and shooting iraq back to whatever came four ages before the Stone one? because i believe that power is first and foremost in the minds of these thugs who rule our country and couldn't care less about the concept of governance?
remember that those who rush to war and call others appeasers are usually, in fact, the very ones who should be feared the most.
do we need to protect ourselves from harm at this time in history? you bet. but at what time in history shouldn't we have? at what time in history did we not have enemies who would destroy our way of life given the chance? never. as soon as we declared independence from the english we had an enemy dedicated to our quick demise. as soon as we began landgrabbing we had enemies in the french and germans, then the indians and mexicans. any and all of them would gladly have slit our throats in order to rebalance the board as it were.
now we have an enemy who has decided to fight us here rather than over there (if you believe our administration) so we must fight THEM over THERE instead of here.
but we can't even take care of ourselves. we can't even stop fighting with ourselves over healthcare, gay marriage, hurricane katrina, south of the border immigration control, voting irregularities, alternative fuel sources, global warming, the minimum wage, race relations, blahblahblah...
if you want a country unified against a common foreign enemy, then unify it by coming together on those things that affect it in its daily life. come together in the spirit of everyone belonging to each other. come together, because we're all we've got when we get up in the morning and walk out our doors. we are all different, yet we all are the same. we are the same in our basic needs. we are different in how we approach them. we are the same in bits and bytes and stems and seeds. we are different in how we smoke it. we are the same in wanting the high that comes with being american and human.
so, donald, don't call me an appeaser. call me your brother who wants to walk a different path to the same destination.
you fuck.

A Moosical Post

"Cows have regional accents, a group of British farmers claims, and phonetics experts say the idea is not as far-fetched as it sounds."
i believe it. after all, new york birds say "choip" and new york pigs say "ernk".

update: a friend sent me this picture and i thought i should share it with you: it's a male camel toe. what accent do YOU think it speaks with?

Well, he said it...finally. Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. And when did we come to have a "freedom agenda"? Seriously, Bush admits that Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 and who's going to call him on all of the crap propaganda his administration was trotting out in the run-up to our invasion concerning Iraq's ties to al-quaeda and its backing of the group? Watch the video and listen for yourself to his bluster, defensiveness, dismissal, and condescension. Right there and then is the bullet by which he should be brought down.

Rantless Thursday

Note to Steph: why should I go on a rant about the Jon Benet Ramsey case? Why should I care? Thousands of little children are murdered each year. The majority of them are not white and garner no attention from the Press, national OR local. So, a blue-eyed, blond haired dress-up doll was brutally victimized by someone (we still can't be sure even with a professed confession). So what? It's not the murder that is so heinous as it is the manner in which she was being raised by her parents. Do you remember the photo stills that made her to look as if she was giving a come-hither pose? Do you remember the pageant videotapes in which she flirted with the camera as if she were ten years older (which still would have left her a minor)? Do you remember the parents who wouldn't allow police access to certain parts of their lives, documents and interviews while claiming the whole time that they were innocent? What did they have to hide? What was so shameful that they couldn't speak to the police in order to help find her killer? It's not her death that I find despicable. It's the manner in which she was led to it by parents who cared more for the glamour she brought them than the light she carried within. This was not a financially strapped family hoping to enrich an otherwise bleak future with her possible success in the modeling field. This was a family obsessed with caste, not cash. This was a pair of parents who looked outward to others within their social class and decided for their child what she would do and become. Jon Benet was a Barbie in every sense of the word, dressed and made up and told who she was at all times by the very people she trusted to take care of her and allow her to grow up as an individual. I think of her and Paris Hilton comes to mind: vapid, vaccuous and inured to the realities of the everyday world by money and manipulation.
Perhaps, they have found her killer. In my mind, though, that does not exonerate her parents one whit. They lied to the police, they refused to cooperate with the police, they hired lawyers to shield them from the police and they accused the police of targeting them (which all police do in this situation, because most often it is a family member or family friend who did the deed). They used this little girl for their ends. They made her up to look like a tart, then basked in the glow of her lolita-esque success. They claimed there was nothing wrong with what they did, that beauty pageants were good, clean, wholesome fun for little girls. They would not "see" what she looked like as she pranced around on stage and made suggestive dance moves that adult males were watching. They were creating a Madonna/Whore. Innocent, yet seductive. Chaste, but naughty. And all for the almighty dollar. All for the vicarious thrill. All to kick sand in the faces of the Joneses. All because they could not do it themselves.
That's the tragedy of this. Not that she was murdered, not that she never had a chance to grow up. But that this happened to her, because the very people she should have been able to trust with her life chose to use her in an absolutely indefensible and disgusting way to fulfill some neglible void in their neglible lives and it incited someone else to kill her.
And that's why I won't write a rant, Steph. Because it would (in my mind) just add more attention to a family that deserves none. Jon Benet was not a real girl like the ones we see running to school every day. She was a plastic figurine her parents bent into a new shape every day as it suited them. They did not give birth to a real child. They ordered one from Mattel. And they incited lust within the bodies of grown men by dressing her up as a prom queen and coquette every chance they had. So, fuck them.
By the by, they've made quite a bundle from their interviews with the press and the books they authorized to be written, yes?
Oh, and I know the mother died recently. But I don't care. The fact that she died doesn't make up for what she did to her child before then.
So, no rant today from me, Steph. Sorry.

5.1 Surround Sound System

i don't know about you, but after a long night of drinking with friends down at the local watering hole it's nice to come home, open the box containing my new surround sound speakers that i got for 1/4 of the price circuit city was asking ($200), hook it up and experience massive noise fulminating from my wall. previously, i had two altec lansing speakers doing the bidness for me (and they do rock), but my wall air conditioner made them sound like two week old pussy kittens mewling for an extra bit of milk. now, i am concerned that my neighbors will never sleep again. i know i won't. i know i don't want to. music is good. loud music is better. pissing off the neighbors is bestest. plus, they're having a party tomorrow night and i will not sleep until they are done. good thing i'm invited. good thing i invited my own peeps. good thing i have booze stov=cked. good thing i own a gun. oh, shit. i sold it. good thing i own knives. good thing i'm a pacifist. good thing i like to drink. see you there. or here. or in between. you're all invited. if you know how to get here. up to you, not me.

Father Mechanic

for any of you going through lecram withdrawal i offer this little ditty, which you won't like nearly as much, but i don't care. so long as someone gets offended.

FATHER MECHANIC

(Scene: A mechanic's garage, front office. The waiting room. Bob is at the counter. Man enters, kneels and genuflects beneath the Tire Iron Cross on the wall. Approaches counter. Bob doesn't notice. Man waits a bit, finally rings the bell on the counter. Bob looks up, gives beatific smile. )

Bob: And another greasemonkey gets his flanges. Yes, my son?
Man: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been 3,116 miles since my last confession.
Bob: You are overdue, but it's a venal sin. Tell me all.
Man: I mixed 20/50 oil with the 10/40 you prescribed.
Bob: Hmmm. What else, my son?
Man: My battery is trying to give up the Holy Ghost.
Bob: Ah. Are you having trouble in the morning infusing it with the Holy Spirit?
Man: Yes, Father Bob.
Bob: It could be a cable straying from the flock.
Man: There's more.
Bob: Go on, child.
Man: It shames me.
Bob: There is no shame when you repent before the True Light of the Tire Iron. Go on.
Man: Last month I tried to adjust the brakes myself.
Bob: Sweet Mother of All That Is Oily. That is serious. Why?
Man: The shoes were beginning to speak in tongues. I was scared. I heard weird sounds and voices in a harsh metallic language and tortuous screeches like demented, lost souls each time I attempted to control my automotive Ass. I panicked and tried to exorcise them with my Lay Wrench.
Bob: But you were not successful?
Man: No. Now my Ass balks and shudders when I wish it to simply stop.
Bob: It is good you have come to confess. I only wish it were sooner. I can save your Beast of Burden, your locomotive Ass. I comprehend the various tongues of the Devil and I can talk to your Ass. But I must know if you have told me all. Is your Ass flatulent and does its exhaust reek?
Man: Yes.
Bob: When put to bed at night does it complain and refuse to settle down in a timely fashion?
Man: Yes, Father Bob.
Bob: And, when unsupervised, does it excrete a dark, viscous discharge onto the floor from behind its manly pipe?
Man: Yes!
Bob: And you say it's been 3,116 miles since I last looked at your Ass?
Man: Yes.
Bob: By any chance, was part of your Ass manufactured by Germans?
Man: No, it's a fine American Ass. Corn fed.
Bob: Ethanol, eh? If I didn't believe in the Divine Schismatics I'd say your Ass was infested with demons. Wormwood. But I believe in the Healing Power of the Diagnostic. Your Ass will reveal all when I attach my clamps to its fuel-injected nipples and stick my probe up its glasspacked tail orifice.
Man: Thank you, Bob! Thank you! What is my penance?
Bob: (toting up on a calculator) Oil change, valve and brake adjustment, timing, tire rotation, smog check, oil filter, fuel filter, ring replacement, crankcase seal, biorythmic enhancement, possible Deomnic possesion and four mea culpas...$414.17. Oh and pray for a Hail Mary in tomorrow's Notre Dame game, would you? I have a twenty riding on it. Now, go and sin no more for the next 3000 miles.

(Man exits and at the same time a woman enters. Woman genuflects and approaches Bob)

Woman: Forgive me, Bob, for I have sinned. Can you remove semen stains from leather upholstery and unwrap a bra from my rear axle before my father returns tonight from his vacation?
Bob: I'm not omnipotent, child. Go next door to John Paul and Traci of Lourdes Miracle Car Wash.

The Celibate Life

they say that the hardest part of quitting any drug is the first so many hours or days. then it's a matter of putting the psychological behind you.
first, you leech out the chemical you've abused, then you change your lifestyle to move away from the habitual ritual.
why then am i, after only being on a medication for three weeks and now off it for a full week, still having the random regimen of withdrawal symptoms that turns me into an asshole and recluse as i combat the hypertension? i went through this last wednesday and (now again today). grinding jaw, neck and shoulder tension, dark cave searching. i'm damn well not going to take another pill to mitigate this, but fuck if i've ever been through this type of thing before. and the shit was prescribed to me for quitting smoking! i did a bit of weaning before i stopped, but i guess it wasn't enough.
sorry to any of you who have had to deal with this so far.
which leads me to the topic of:
paris hilton. she's giving up sex for a year. a whole year. 365 days (i don't know if she's counting holidays). she's 25 years old and tired of the games, by gum! the naughty videos, the paparazzi, all of it. she gets lady di. she really does. so much so that she is going to go 8,760 hours sans the the baloney pony...525,600 minutes without a muscle in her bustle...31,536,000 seconds not attending a premiere at the Hard Cock Cafe. that seems a long time without a skank shank.
if the average woman lives to be 80 nowadays, this means that paris is declaring herself offlimits to the bloke poke for .08% of her lifetime. laudable, but what does it really mean? she claims that she has only had sex with two men so far and she is 25. according to these numbers, she has been having sex with a different man on an average of 12.5 years so far. at this pace (if she lives to the average age) she will have sex with 6.4 men. and if we equate heighth with a whole number, she will only have to have sex with tom cruise once to take care of the .4.
to put this in perspective, let's say that i am (hypothetically) 41 and i have had sex with (hypothetically) 35 different women. in order for me to remain celibate for an equivalent amount of time based on the number of encounters i've had in my life vs. hers i would need to...
cut my dick off? well, that can't be right. ah, 4.1 years. and i have done this multiple times with no effort. and i can tell you that, after the second year, you don't even notice anymore.
however, i think it is safe to say that she really doesn't need to take a year off from the public eye sexually in order to maintain her (for lack of a better word) virtuessness or virtuosity or...whatever. but she should think about the fact that she has had sex with only two men and one has made a videotape that she knowingly engaged in. that's one out of two, which equals over her standard lifetime to 3.2 naughty videos that she knows of. that i know of.
that she knows of...
so, i take my hat off to paris hilton, but that is all. for now. and i think i speak for all of us when i say that this would make for one hell of a reality show ala The Simple Life. call it The Celibate Life.

edit: redid the math. paris will have to have sex with tom cruise twice to make up for that .4.

Fuck You Friday #4

Stepped on my cat's foot last night. So, it was the big Fuck You ScarySquirrelMan! Yeesh, what a bitch.



Happy Fuck You Friday to y'all. Go here to find the creators of this sordid little weekly affair: Tequila Girl.

Finger Food? HNT

so, last week i think i showed a naked shoulder and wondered to myself what could be too naked about it. well, this would be it:

that's my new tat and i am so fucking stoked about it i want to shag all of you one by one by one and then by twos.
however, something happened in between the tat and tonight that truly disturbed me and made me question my inherently heterosexual sexuality. despite the beefy tat and manly arm holding that manly ink, something was, well, um, lacking. it wasn't so much that a yearning overtook me for no reason. what actually happened was a "present" fell into my lap, so to speak. a certain friend of mine forgot to take his hat with him one night when he suddenly jumped up and left the bar. for no apparant reason. for no discernable reason. no je ne se qois that i know. jump and run.
so, we looked at his hat. we looked at each other. we looked at his hat. we looked at each other. we looked at his bar tab. we looked the other way. we casually exited the bar . i ended up with the "Hat". i took it home. i made sweet love to it. i kissed it goodnight. i slept well for the first time in a month. when i awoke i made sweet love to it again. then i cooked it pancakes. then it bade me goodbye and disappeared. i thought i would make it through and live with the memory of that hat clutched between my tight toes. it never came back and i am left with that memory. and only that. i am not resentful or bitter. but i can't help but wonder what might have been

if i'd made waffles instead.

happy hnt, y'all.

This Is Dedicated To The One I Love: Steph.

Rumsfeld = Asshole. Too busy? Doing what, may I ask? Commiting more troops to cover a royally blown foreign policy? Spinning damage control throughout the Mid-East? Stumping for political candidates who feel too closely tied to this administration and its myopic idealogies? Meeting with Swiftboat morons who are now attacking Sen. Murtha?
And College Republicans are now actively campaigning for "Say It Ain't So" Joe Lieberman who has thrown off his sheep's clothing. Of course, when the GOP is willing to fund a Green Party candidate to run against a Democrat and a Reublican I shouldn't be surprised, especially when the Republican involved is Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum. Rick, you may remember, is the man who suggested that if homosexual marriage was legalized, then we would have to legalize bestiality as well.
And in Kansas, it's Evolution 1, Creationism 0. Of course, this score is subject to change. And rest assured that no one will ever score more than 1 point. They'll just keeping handing it back and forth. Me, however, I think of the question:
Which is more true?
A) Without us, God would not exist.
B) Without God, we would not exist.
If you think A is more correct, then you should be pushing for religion in all aspects of public life in order to bolster your "theory". If you think B is more true, then it really shouldn't matter one way or the other. In fact, I think keeping "Him" low-key would further bolster the argument that religion is only for the faithful.
This is sweet. Roy Blunt says he will not allow any meaningful forward movement on global warming so long as he is in charge. nice. Not until he has more info on whether or not it might be truer than what just about every fucking scientist in the entire galaxy is saying. Yep, best to remain skeptical up until the fuzzies on your eyelids burn off and you can't blink away the truth anymore.
So, what is it about Iraq and soccer that scares so many of those insurgents and terrorists. To date, national team members have all been threatened with death for wearing shorts in public (kind of hard to compete on the international level in oversized sarongs or bhurkas), the coach resigned because of death threats to him and his family, and now hidden bombs are blowing up children on playing fields. In this war for minds by both sides, no one is winning because only the extremists are calling the shots. Moderate voices are drowned out by the violent, executed by the insane, and called traitors by the traitors. How do the civilised on either side stand up and be heard without fear of attack?
Finally, this is too good not to share. The government has identified Exxonmobil, the New York Times, AP News Service, USA Today, PBS and Microsoft as small businesses. There's your Zen moment of the day.

The Revolution Will Not Be Seen At This Time

well, kiddies, it seems that the great squirrel has been duped. scammed. snookered. hooked, lined and sinkered. taken to the proverbial cleaners.
there shall be no mars opposition as i had been told there would. it happens next year. and the "great mars opposition", which i had posted about earlier happened three years ago. see, what happened was someone found a reposted article on that opposition. the date on the repost was this year and, quite naturally, the reader didn't research further. neither did i until just now. so, no mars this year.
and those of you who attended a certain barbecue and were treated to a view of saturn's rings were luckier than you know. the rings' visibility will not be that good again until 2014. so, keep that memory intact.
however, jupiter is still cruising around the night sky and that is what i shall be taking aim at in the coming days. if i had more of an easterly view i would, also, shoot for uranus and neptune. alas, i'm hemmed in by redwood trees.
and there is a meteor shower approaching sometime this month, which is always worth a latenight blanketwatch.